“Bdee bdee bdee that’s all folks!”

This is a churro ice cream sandwich. However, this is also the most ridiculous awesome thing to eat.

I’m not a sweets fan. I like salty. For my dessert fan(atic)s this is unconscionable. But I have a few sweets I do like.

I went to downtown Disney with some friends and ate this right here. They give you and cup of ice cream and two warm churro to put around it. Forewarning, get a knife and fork. Honestly having a steak knife would be preferable. We could have eaten this between the three of us but only two shared. It was epic. Cold and warm and brilliant.

Could we have eaten it just ice cream on a spoon and a bite of churro at a time, sure! 

However, if I have a chance to eat food in a different way like with chopsticks or my fingers or 15 forks, knives and spoons, I’m honestly going to take it because I’m a foodie. And “adventure is out there”!

Happy end of the year. Thank you GOD it’s almost over!

Am I the hero or the backup?

(Los Angeles Public Library)

I have two photos taken in the same place but from different angles. The light you see is the same but because of my phones camera I could either show off the walls or the light itself.

This has all kinds of “wise” connotations, but for me, this week, I am seeing the sides of myself. I can either focus on the light or focus on the walls. Through the lens of other people’s focus I can see things differently but never the full scope. When I put down that focus, I can see my world in its fullness. 

Which is difficult.

I don’t want to see the good in a rapist nor do I want to see the bad in its victim. Black is black and white is white and never the twain shall meet.

But my eyes see more. My eyes see all of it and that is overwhelming. I want to see parts of life and not be at all compassionate. 

My friend once told me that just because I can see the good in bad people and bad in good people doesn’t make what they do or what has happened to them irrelevant, less or more. That fullness helps me see them and love them in ways they need to be loved. There is balance.

Having my metaphorical “other people view” camera is good. Having my whole view is better. 

Because it’s mine.

I’m the hero of my life. If I don’t carry my view and only others than my story will lack. More than that it will be more like the main characters of fight club, split in two.

RTW: Sisters

hmmm….My sister and I aren’t close. She’s older than me so it’s a little strange.

She the wild and free type and I’m the good kid who stays home. This makes her selfish a lot and me stuffy.

When we do see each other it’s like nothing is really wrong. I don’t even feel like I have a right to say anything is wrong. When we were younger she had to ‘watch me’ some times. I was just young enough that being alone wasn’t okay. We were cool. We played the randomest games and had fun.

Then we would go to church and things changed. Everyone at our church was older than me or younger by like 8-10 years. So it’s play with the toddlers/babies or play with the teens/young adults. I did both but it can get boring when it becomes babysitting all of the time. So I’d try hanging with the older teens and my sister…she began to treat me like I didn’t exist. Not like Hans from Frozen, but enough that her best friend began to look at me with pity and tried to include me. The back and forth was so strange to me. Friends at home. Strangers at church.

I began to feel pathetic.

Hmm… I just noticed that.

To me, the body of Christ is a family and that’s what the pastor taught everyone else too. I thought everyone believed that too. The pastor’s kids treated me like their little sister, so I thought that this was how family was.

As an adult I began to compare the family I made to the one of the past. The family that had called me family, the sister I thought was family….

They weren’t a very good family.

It wasn’t in the big things that I could even notice it. My family now, when something is wrong, GOODNESS! These Christians go from good saints to heavy packing thugs. They threaten to take down the people who have hurt me, go to the mat for me! It’s quite cute and though I know part of them is bluster I see their heart telling me, I’m hear for you, talk when you are ready. When I look low, I get space and hugs. A look directly in my eye to see if I’m really “okay”. They aren’t perfect but they do love me.

The people I used to know…looking back I think about how much they used to make me feel bad about myself. They used names you really shouldn’t call a kid because it leaves marks. They made me work when I really should have been playing. Lifting each other up wasn’t a thing for them so they didn’t do it for me either. Put downs were more the norm. Isolation, the norm. Being laughed at, the norm. I became a different person entirely simply out of the need to keep my self-esteem alive.

hmm…I didn’t notice that either.  I always thought that was because of school… huh. Writing really does focus me. It is up to me to change my life now. However, I do believe that finding root causes to your problems so that you can let go of them and grow is important as well. So I guess this isn’t to call out the people I used to know, though part of me does want to do so. I once wrote several letters to them calling them out, but never sent them. Not my way, really.

I just want to heal and not talk to them any more. I don’t want to be bullied into being and doing things that aren’t me and then called out for not lining up their standard.

Ai, chincha! How did I miss such a big thing! I talk so big about not wanting to be put on a pedestal and I did the same to all of them.

Mass Effect 1, 2 & 3

This is by far my favorite game. One of the few I have ever played as well…and gotten full through. There are several I have tried to get through and I either get bored or freaked out. Hate it when they just breathe nearby, but you can’t see them!

I always try to get the girl to look just like me, except for the hair, always go for purple and pink. 🙂 I played tech for a long time but later, when I just needed to blow off steam, I played mi padres saved dude (….he deleted my saved files. All of them. I’m still working on forgiveness of that one.) and this guy was a solider and I learned the rush technique and I was IMPRESSED. I want to play again as different types.

Moving on this game, if you don’t know is about one character who is sent to investigate about some mysterious aliens. I hate to have spoilers but the game has been out for some time now. The aliens are not only vastly dangerous, like meteor meet dinos dangerous, they are also infiltrators so there are times when friends and allies turn on you and kind of wake up to reality 10 seconds before hey die. It is quite horrific. The ending of the trilogy was….to say the least, a bit like the latest election. All kinds of feelings and not at all happy about any of the results. At the end you are left with three choices (four if you are bulked up in points) and I know up to the last second what I was going to choose…and then changed my mind. Ugh, but I felt better about my choice.

There are a TON of different characters you meet but my top faves: Tali, Legion, JAVIK(!!!), Jack, Kasumi and Thane. Mordin and Liara are next in line. If you don’t want to play the game at least look up cut scenes about Javik, this guy has been asleep for thousands of years and his whole civilization was…um…different. I can’t exactly say racist but he gets into some nasty arguments with…just about everybody! And, boy, are they funny. Also look up Mordin singing! Oh and my ship for the whole game is EDI and Joker. Love them so much, totally pushed them to get together.

Since I played a girl I did save Kaiden and have a relationship (I did not realize I was doing this till, boom, they were in bed. *blushes*). When I play this game again, I will save Ashley. Kaiden was cool in the first game and got mean in the second and whiney in the third. There was NOTHING good about him by that last one and I cut him off as soon as I could.

Many people die in the third if you are not leveled up so please do that to save your sanity. I’m told Tali can die and it is SUPER nasty. I in no way lost anyone I could save. One person who did die, and couldn’t be saved…I cried in real life. Actually one messed me up so bad I had to leave the computer for awhile.

The next in the series is coming out next year (supposedly!! >_>) So I wanted to review his before then. I want to play it when I get my own rig so I don’t have to worry about someone deleting anything ever again. (>_>) This game will be the same universe but I don’t see how they can when there were 3 different choices and this is in the future(??) Keep your saves they say! Again >_>

This game does have sex, drugs, drinking and violence, warning I guess. Also, even though the graphics are better I did like the second better…this may also be because I played it twice (please, don’t ask, this padre over here is all kinds of trouble) however I just like not having to deal with all the downs in the last one. Hahaha, still a great game!

Clean up day!

My family has been forced into A DAY OF CLEANING! (Imagine this with a heroic sound please^^) By me actually. We need to take stock and find out what we need for the new year. Like new remotes or jeans or carpet. On the other side we need to get rid of a few things. Both parents got startled and started cleaning beforehand. It feels good to know that I can manipulate them in such a way.

I may not be able to lie to them, but I can get them to clean! Maniacal laughter ensues!

Last week was super long for me so it is nice to be spending a few days in the house instead of running around shopping or entertaining. My introverted HSP self needs downtime! Even if it is to clean.

A lot of people are looking at the year in review and my year wasn’t that great. There was lot of growing pangs and lessons to be learned; tears and healing; pain and learning about myself. It was a lot of work this year. I don’t want to go through this again. Not ever.

On one side I made a great friend and I find that my ministry with people is sooo much better and helpful. God also is like my partner now instead of this God that I am slaving behind.

On the other side…I didn’t get a lot of what I thought I would this year. I found out that I have even more inward work to do and that leaning on God is going to be a full time gig and not just a seasonal thing. Talking about my feeling is also a lifetime thing and I can’t ignore them at all.

The really hard parts were finding out who I really am and what I want and need in life.

It won’t be easy on other people to accept. I am strong now and I know how to lean into God but I still do not relish having to stand my ground about who I am and what I believe with people that I love and others who can’t really be taken out of my life. I did this fight before when I was little and had no help. As an adult, I have to remember I am an adult and not that little kid any more.

I wish I could be the type that thought that a job and kids and the usual stuff is important. I wish that I could talk to my friends about the ins and outs of marriage and buying things for the house and dealing with the baby at night.

But I’m not.

I’m the type who will be talking about Doctor who and Sherlock when I’m 40, 50 and 60. (Hopefully there will be more BBC Sherlock by those points 😉 I’m the one who even when I get a man will not be talking about how strange he is but how sexy he is and look at that butt in those jeans! I’m the type who even when I have kids won’t be talking about what the kids are doing, I want to talk about God and fun stuff!

I WILL ALWAYS WANT TO TALK ABOUT GOD!!!!

Even when I get a job it won’t be the first thing I talk about with those I care about. If I talk to you about work…we may not be that close and I’m just looking for something to talk about. Unless it is good news in which case, yeah let’s talk about how God has blessed me and celebrate him!

I find that this year has been more about purging my heart than anything else and it hurt more than I can say and I don’t want to review that. Yes, I am stronger, but it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me want to take a break and sleep. Most of who I was when I left college is mostly gone. I’m becoming who I really am and it’s the same feeling as when I was going up in the airplane to skydive. I was ready to go until we got in the air and then my fight or flight instinct kicked in and I needed to get off that plane but the only way was either being embarrassed going down in the airplane or jumping.

I’m not even sure if I have another option than jumping right now…. I trust my pack and my instructors and to this day I have no idea of what I was afraid of in that airplane but that adrenaline rush I felt then to not jump is here right now. Whether I’m in the airplane getting ready to jump or if I’m about to get on the plane…I don’t know. What I do know is that this journey will have new direction when I land.

4 years of training with God. I had 6-8 hours of training for skydiving.

Then I jumped and I became an adult to mi padre.

When I jump this time…will I be an adult to God?

Skydiving didn’t change my life, it was my father’s rite of passage for me and it was fantastic; I will never forget it.

But it was for him. Him telling me that to him I am adult now. Yes it made me stronger but I was changed over getting to shoot at a target for he first time, THAT was for me.

I always thought these 4 years would be for me and it feels like it was just God acting like mi padre telling me I’m an adult now.

What happens after this is up to me… (yes that is a Matrix reference.)

LA Christmas

Today I celebrate the birth of one who gave me life. Twice. Today also I spent time going to the place I love. I was even a bit self oriented and didn’t walk with the people. In my hurry I could only focus on that skyline. 

My friend later rushed ahead and as I walked I talked to God. We spoke on how little I felt in the season of things this year and he asked me what was in my heart. He helped me look at what I didn’t want to see. I’m so used to going with the flow and this year, such a precious time…I found I wanted this year to be special, to have layers of life and deep joy that can even surpass laughter. 

My heart cried out for a depth that only God could belly. 

I felt his smile as he told me that his heart cried for the same thing. This is my first time doing something different from my family and my own choice so I had to deal with a little guilt. Still as I saw the snow on the mountains and the blue cold water…my heart wept with a hope for what is. My God who loves me so much; lived and died and live again. This depth helps me in ways I don’t yet have words for. 

And yet how glad I am.

Rain, rain…please stay

Man this rain came out of nowhere!

Negative: Short on electricity made computer die, but that got fixed.

Positive: ALL THE THINGS!

Rain is life to me.

Inside with tea, a few good books and a warm blanket.
Outside dancing around like we’re in a Bollywood.
Running to class/work trying to keep work from getting wet.
Playing hide and seek inside like kids because you can’t go out.
Listening to the rain play on the roof as you drift to sleep.
Hoping, waiting and praying for a rainbow.
Hearing the rain start and then get ferocious.

I have so many ways that I enjoy it.

My haraboji used to say “Rain, rain go away. Come again another day.” However, that was because his work was more of the blue collar kind. He needed the money and rain would stop him from getting particular jobs or they would stop him from getting to them.

I respect that.

I just love rain to much to agree to it.

In case you are where rain isn’t:

 

Relationship goals: The Curies

http://zenpencils.com/comic/curie/

 

“E? Heibon Desu yo??”

(Writer: Tsukiyuki Hana; Artist:Fujiwara Ruki)

I don’t apologize for the manga that I read. If it is eechi, violent, magical, whatever it is I find that what I’m reading has a purpose in the moment that I’m reading it. With this said:

This story is about a young lady who dies and is reincarnated into a world of magic. Normal Japanese high school girl born as an aristocrat with magic. Stories, right? The odds are so slim of this happening just on the sheer concept of being born a rich aristocrat that I just had to go with them on this one.

She remembers a lot from her life in the same way that any normal person remembers most of their life. She just has the weirdness of having a body that doesn’t really work for her for a few years. I would NOT want to go through being a cognitive baby, breast milk alone seems not worth it. She uses her memories to make her rural world just a little better by adding things like new ways of cooking, farming and even COFFEE. Even learns how to do magic and help a doctor with new forms of practice.

The ability to manipulate elements or move things like a jedi…seems practical. I wonder how these people don’t drown or set themselves on fire when they have a nightmare or dream in the same way that you can a start to pee when you dream it, but that may just be me.

(The drawing style is VERY shoujo by the way!)

This is a quick read so I do recommend it. I would say what I learned/gained from it but really I just wanted to share a good story that is light but does provide insight…but this is just me. I can glean from just about anything and find God in there.

RTW: resentment

To Resent: feel bitterness or indignation at (a circumstance, action, or person)

Do you know resentment isn’t the bible? King James version or the ESV at least.

Bitterness is though! So is indignation…

While bitterness and indignation are nouns, bitterness is a very. In other words, at least with the above Bing definition, resentment is how we carry out bitterness and indignation. Our action, movement and often our sword.

Bitter in food can often be good. Tea, greens, olives, coffee of course are things we all see as bitter and for many is really an acquired taste. I like all of the above but I do add sugar to my tea and coffee and a lot of things to my greens. Olives are the only thing I can eat alone but they have salt with them that cuts the bitterness down.

I learned a while ago that I am quite bitter, what I didn’t know is how much resentment I carry till God showed me.

Not a little.

As I sift through my lift with new eyes looking for the resentment, I find this heavy fog surrounding every single aspect of my life. There is no part of my life that doesn’t seems to have this fog; the air I breathe.

In the summer a friend invited me to look at the unforgiveness in my heart and I knew exactly that it was towards God, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. The person who keeps me breathing is not someone I need to be angry at. It took me awhile but a few Sundays back, I did. I said I was finally ready to forgive and we prayed together. A bit like Saul, the scales fell of my eyes and within days I began to see this haze over all of my life, mind and heart.

God, parents, family, friends, self, a future husband that ain’t even here…this haze had settled over my life like the fog that can billow from a graveyard. (It is the spookiest thing, btw.)

When I really began to see what had happened I looked at God shocked and told him truthfully that I simply didn’t know and tried to apologize in all the ways I knew how. I was beyond discouraged in that moment especially as I saw the full scope of how much I had let into my life. I wanted to punish myself somehow, give up a few things in repentance? Spend days on my knees? Maybe go full Old Testament and put ashes on my head and rip my clothes and sit so people could see that I had dishonored myself, God, my friends and family and the fuller family of humanity. Instead of walking in love I have been wielding the sword of resentment like forgiveness is not the first thing called for as a Christian. Sure I had forgiven…but I held the feelings of bitterness, shame, pride, embarrassment and betrayal and used them to cut myself away from all of my relationships.

“Amy, you’re not Catholic. You’re a Christian under grace. Hail Mary’s don’t fix this, ashes aren’t the way, and giving to others, to soothe your pain, will only Band-Aid this. Will you lean into my love, grace and forgiveness?”

This was my God’s response to all this.

When I wanted to punish myself and harm myself, his response is “Will you let me shine in this and burn away the fog?”

I call him ‘my God’ in this moment in the same way that John called himself ‘the one whom Jesus loved’. This precious love of mine, he doesn’t treat me like the rest nor like how he is talked about.

Tuesday, I spoke on having to lean in and give my bracing for the bad to him and replace it with listening for his heart and love, to speak life instead of death and to stand firm in his full armor. Here when I would self-harm instead I must receive love and grace, talking about these old hurts and allowing him heal them.

I once told Him that I was afraid that I would break into a million pieces if I allowed him to heal my insides.

“Then I will simply put you back together again.”

I know that I chose to follow him…but I really had no idea what kind of lottery I hit by doing so.