‘Paris Can Wait’

This goes right in the same vein as the Lucie Fink video. Here’s this European guy out to have some fun. Pretending like they don’t know where they are going and not knowing who they are. How fun does that sound? However, unlike most teen/college movies, they end up having actual fun. They enjoy dancing and GOD THE FOOD! Looked exceptional. They go where the wind takes them and actually get to enjoy it. My parents are…different people compared to the rest of the world I mean. One thing they both instilled in their own way was how to do things differently. Mi Madre is always up for a road trip or a little detour to a place that is a bit far, but will have tasty/fun things. Mi padre is more about planning great moments. He will work hard but will push for a bit more extravagant of an adventure like rock climbing or sky diving. 

It is actually a bad smell when I have people who are too focused on “living their lives”, but seem more like they are just grinding it out. Like the thought of having to get job so you can get a car but you need a car for a job. Or you need experience to get a job but need a job to get experience. On top of that they aren’t having fun!

I feel so empty when it comes to personal satisfaction in this category and really thought I had to wait for friends to enjoy it. Now…I’m just bored waiting for my friends to either:

  1. Grow up and learn that it’s better to enjoy themselves.
  2. Change to be people that are more risk taking
  3. Make time with me to do these things.

I have a friend who invited me out on a cool ecxursion and I said cool, but then she said how often she goes and I felt a little annoyed and like a mafia boss staring at someone who betrayed their trust. She goes so often, but doesn’t tell me about it. Otherfriends have trips and I’m not going to invite myself so if they don’t offer, WE don’t have adventures together. 

And isn’t that a basic in friendship? 

The adventures can be different whether it is light like a group outing to play or a singular thing to have conversations in nature or cooking together! 

Here and now I am forgiving all past friends for not being themselves and thus BORING, and I repent myself for not being myself and thus boring (and I forgive it to šŸ˜‰

But with this no more waiting for friends. On the train when it leaves the station or not. This train waits for no man! (I feel like I’m combing two different tv/movie quotes and it is really jamming me…) šŸ™‚

One of those days

How do you explain a day?

How do you describe a feeling?

I find that often it isn’t a ton of words that can best show me how my inner pieces are feeling or connecting to a day. SometI me it is one word. Or a single picture or a video or a person. 

I feel like I have waited for this day, this moment, this time in my life for 20 years. An anticipation that has flooded my soul as dread over a horror film character grows. A hope that has consumed me like the feeling an oncoming storm brings that is meant to decimate the landscape: all encompassing, wild and filling, even if the filling isn’t the best feeling.

What makes today so different, or frankly this year or moment?

I relish to find out what this boiling in my soul’s deep brings to the surface.

RTW: letting sadness flow

I’m highly sensitive, nothing new, but this week I encountered something new in my feelings. 

Other people’s feelings.

I didn’t want to look at any of it because I felt so bad. So much of it was anger and a type of hatred toward God and that wasn’t me. Not at all. 

God wouldn’t let me not talk so when I finally did, after much pushing from him…all this bitterness pouted out like a flood. Years of it, possible 25, I don’t know. 

When I calmed down and took yet another nap, I woke up feeling like a literal physical weight was off my shoulders. He then told me to write, just write and write some more.

Afterward I felt a pause and let myself get wrapped in his love again. Now I feel that time shifting back to letting off the drainage. 

I was so afraid when I started, just like the happy feeling from ‘Inside Out’, to allow myself to feel those feelings. I felt so wrong.

Then My Beloved brought me to Matthew 16:26 and had me look up what a soul is. In the Greek it is the breath of life and the seat of all a person’s desires, feelings, aversions and affections. When I deny my feelings and what I don’t like and who I love and what I want to let in my life…I am denying my soul. Starve it for long enough and I am left with a lost/dead soul…….and I have done exactly what Jesus said was so bad for us…

Lucie Fink

Lucie Fink is my favorite simply because she tries new things, especially things we all kinda want to know more about but not necessarily invest in. Monkey see, monkey do is sometimes the best option. I don’t like being the first to jump in a metaphorical pool, but will often do so after I see a friend do it. 

Moment: went to a college pool party and at some point everyone just hoped in fully clothed. (Didn’t know before hand it was a pool party, just a get to know.) This love of the moment and adventure and fun has stuck with me. I don’t have many of these moments, but I treasure them when they arrive.

However! What Ms Fink brough up is so vital to my wellbeing. Adventuring, trying new things, being creative, doing as opposed to just thinking. Daydreaming is important like reading and has its own extras like hygge and tea that enhance the experience and bind it to the soul. Doing adventures should also have their own way to bind to the soul. 

This is what I want to explore in my life. It is why I have a “this year book”. All the things that are vital on continual basis to boost my soul, and every day stuff and huge stuff were my staples. I think I need to go deeper, like medium soul level and look for things that aren’t part of the every day for me. That aren’t really more the enjoyable 2-3 months kin of things. Like when you need to clean your mattress or cut the lawn or your hair. Doesn’t have to be everyday, but it shouldn’t be every 6 years!

I am me

I am a writer, I have always enjoyed it. Getting my words, my thoughts and my heart on the page.

I’m an artist. I enjoy cute doodles, city scapes, clothing for all kinds and faces that have one or two abnormalities like pink hair or neon eyes. 

I’m an organizer, but not really a cleaner. Give me your room or purse (etc) and I can give you a new thing that has a relaxed uncluttered feel. 

I’m a dreamer, whether in my room wrapped in a blanket, at the beach sunning myself and picking up shells or at a park watching the bugs and birds go by, I take my imagination with me.

I am a person who creates a space so that something amazing can unfold. That special magic is mine alone and it has helped me through hard times and good times. 

A friend asked me if I knew who I am. Of course I do. I am all of the singular parts of myself that add up to a whole. The things above are what I DO, not who I am. 

I am not an arm or a leg, I am me and the sum of who I am is not based in how I express that self. I enjoy what I do, and it can be easy to not enjoy all the parts of that self when I look at myself through others eyes. 

I find myself editing according to the audience, all of the time. Which…is normal, when we are honest. An artist, a writer, a person who is putting out something they want someone elsend to enjoy must be mindful of who they serve. We think of art as merely a thing from the artist, but the things that capture the hearth of those around them must keep in mind trends and “allergies”, timing and hunger. 

Art doesn’t happen in a vacuum and neither do the people who enjoy it. 

…I guess what I am saying is…I think that this makes me better.

And…I also want a space, a sanctuary, an island…where I don’t have to edit…simply be.

My center, and other things that are hard to say

This is just an internal thing that is going on, so this may be long or not even make sense or seem disjointed.

I finally have a few answers for myself. After pulling away the thoughts of others that were forced on me and I accepted thinking it was right and this was the kind thing to do I am stripped of a lot of the things that were making me go nuts. Things that don’t fit with my inner code.

I like computers, technology in this day as a whole is magnificent to me. So that’s why I talk about it and even use words to explain what I mean. I don’t feel like everyone else and so I do not think like everyone else. Things that are the norm I just don’t understand. My code doesn’t allow for it. Sure I have ego and pride like everyone else. I need love and can be angered.

But it is my needs that often separate me.

I need tons of people in my life.

I like science and science fiction so I need my science major friend and my nurse friend who likes Doctor Who. I love to eat food and even enjoy cooking if it for myself alone and not forced so I have my Chinese sister and my Japanese friend for the difference. I am not, nor will I ever be a person who is only into one thing.

I will always love God first and alsoĀ I will play video games and not focus on him at all. So I have mi madre to talk about the Holy Spirit and mi padre to talk about Mass Effect Andromeda.

This isn’t balance to me, this is simply who I am.

Each person that I connect with…they have a special place just for them in my life. In actuality no one person is above another or more important to me than another. Do I enjoy tacos more often than I do ice cream? Yeeeaaahhh….but I sure love thatĀ dulce de leche thing from Haagen Dazs. Do I love tea? Yes, every day, but I also am comforted at parties by a good cup of coffee with cream. More often is different from more important. Costing different prices is different from having more significance.

It requires less work to play with mi madre because I have focused on this particular ‘recipe’ and can easily make this ‘dish’, but it costs more from me. It requires more work to play with mi padre because the ‘recipe’ is complicated, but is more fun to play with and has a different yield.

I’d lost my footing for so long listening to what other people required in their own lives and forgetting my own needs. I had a friend who said she wanted a bunch of best friends and what was the problem with doing so. What she didn’t know was what a best friend really is to herself and those she had befriended. They were two very different things. I didn’t have the knowledge at the time of what I was looking for and so I could not tell her that this didn’t fit my personal needs. Now that friendship is gone.

There are three entities in this whole universe who I will ever call best friend and I mean this sincerely because of what a best friend is to me.

The first is God the Father. Not the Holy Spirit or Jesus, just the Father.
The second is myself. I am still learning, but still.
The third is a person I don’t know yet.

What I didn’t reconcile with my friend at the time is that to me a best friend…the best friend I was looking for, is someone who is a part of myself. No different from my arm or my blood. They are like blood family, partner, lover in terms that are not sexual and they are comrade. A bond that binds to my very soul and inside a door is opened just for them. Something that is eternal and unbreakable. Something that is beyond earthly understanding as if this was supposed to be and was made in an alternate universe and crafted by God.

The three parts of this ‘friendship’ might be called soul mates by others…not simple best friends.

I stated that only one part of God was my best friend…is that blasphemous?
I called myself as one…is that narcissistic?
A stranger…do I sound like a child reading a fantasy story?

Without these three I am not loving all of my friends and family the best I can. I’m not sure how to explain this, but I find myself to afraid to extend sometimes because I feel so unbalanced. I so love my friends and because of this lack of equilibrium and lack of center, I don’t reach to them. When I should be crying with them or going out with them or just sitting with my arm around them as the sun sets…I hold back. It’s so frustrating. They mean so much to me, dang it. When I should be extending kindness to mi padre I can only look at my own hurts. When I should be playing with my close friend, I end up just staying at home wallowing in pain because I have no shield to block the arrows of the enemy. And my adopted little bro…I don’t even go see his games…I feel so useless.

My inner code tells me this:

-Just because other people treat their friendships as whatever the flip they want to in the moment including disrespect and the like, doesn’t mean that I ever will. If a person chooses to disrespect me doesn’t mean that I have to start doing the same to them or others.

-When I have a friend I will love them to the grave and nothing will stop me from loving them. Since I believe in eternity than I will love them there too I just want to leave options open for a different kind of loving there. When I am with my people, no matter who they are, what they have done or who they choose to show me, I will treat all of them with the same love and respect that God has shown me.

-I will no longer simply be who everyone wants me to be.

This is the truth, my 3Ā best friends are people who are allowed to rewrite my inner code. They can tell me who I am and what to be. There are as my own self.

No one else.

Mi madre and mi padre may encourage me to do things, my closest friend is allowed to call me out on stuff and a whole lot more.

But none of them have the final say.

I am too many things and I know this about myself. I cry at the strangest things and can lean so heavily on a person that I can be dead weight. Maybe this is fine, but for me I need only three people to be my all. People aren’t made to be all for each other. It isn’t okay because it drains the other person causing a good relationship to lose its balance like money in the bank.

When my friends and family need space, when they are tired,Ā when they need to be alone, if they find that I am not what they need in the moment, if they are seasonal friends, if they move and go somewhere far, and other things that require us to be in some form of separation…I want to give them the freedom to choose those things.

But my best friends?

These are people that don’t get that. God is infinite so that is good and not sleeping is also his thing. I am me…so I’m kind of always with me, so there’s that. And the third? Well, I don’t really know how that works…since I don’t know them. But this is a person that I won’t be separate from in ways that I would normally easily give to a friend. Don’t want to go to the park? Get over it. Don’t want to play? Too bad.

These are the three entities in the entire universe that I choose to be selfish with and about.

I won’t do that to my other friends. They want to be best friends but for me, best friends means I get to tell you that I don’t care if you want to stay home, you’re going out with me anyway. I don’t care if you want to go out, tonight we are staying at home. Yet, this is also a person I will allow to convince me to do stuff I don’t want to do and who I will pour out onto in ways that no one else gets. They will get love hot like magma because I know they can take it, not justĀ because I want to.

And that is the difference…theĀ best friendĀ is someone who can take my kind of everything, volatile or sweet, and we are still each other’s at the end of every day…and I do the same for them.

 

Holly Journals

This month I have found a subscription box that I MUST have. ‘Holly Journals’ sends you a notebook with pens and a few treats, however! The notebook is handmade and is totally different from anything I have seen before. This video shows a woman unboxing one of them:

And the website: http://www.hollyjournals.com/

I think there are three great things about this aside from the cute notebook.

  1. Free shipping in the U.S.
  2. There is a mini one that is only $20
  3. The website has old ones as well so I’m not stuck with just the random one that comes up that month. I mean, what if I don’t like what is in it? I’m all for surprises, but that is way too much like roulette for my tastes.

I do not like the ring part of the notebook. I prefer notebooks that look like books or are smaller and thus have the one thread going down the binding. However, because of the addition of the journal charm it really takes away from the usual feel of cheapness that I get when looking at ringed binders. (It also is about having that sit on my wrist, but I digress. I plan to wait to see what the April one is and then go ahead and get the mini one. I like the smallness as well as I already have too many notebooks without uses yet and I don’t really have the extra dough for a $40 notebook at the moment. Have a few more crucial items to get first. šŸ™‚