8 minutes of world building

So, I met someone today. A person one of my parents works with.

I seriously didn’t know her but she knew who I was and acted like we had met for drinks and had fun at least once in our lives. She is a prankster and really cool. Then she starts talking about Japan and teaching it and when I say I want to learn it and go to the Olympics in 2020 she says I am welcome to stay at her family’s place.

This went from a casual, “hey, have you seen my parent?” to “Yes, I can help you with one of your top goals and dreams.” in about 8 minutes?

Both parents are now super duper pressuring on taking up the offer and making this happen.

Me? I see the world in my head beginning to build itself out into my life like watching the Doctor Strange trailer. (So excited for that, hopefully I make it without watching any more of the trailers. They can ruin so much.) I’m calm because I anticipated this. They are not because they simply see an opportunity for their daughter to go out and see the world that she won’t shut up about.

I want to be excited, sure, but I… my focus is different. I have been so focused on the big future that my present now slipped away and my soul died. The little and medium things are important to me now. The fact that I tried the first day of a morning routine and was actually happy and full during the day. The fact that I got a new phone and cover so it won’t break.

Plus I want to think about the next 3 months. What will happen to explode my territory and life? What do I want to add so that I have a full life and not just others burdens and lives pressing in on me? Who do I want to add more into my life, if anyone?

My friend asked me what I want the rest of this year to look like and I don’t want it to be only building for the coming year. I want it to be filled with delight, magic and me. I want to keep myself honest, that’s why I did this blog. I don’t write everyday, but I will have a post for everyday of this year. I will add in the pieces of my life here not for any reason like:

• So I know I lived.
• So the world can see I lived.
• So someone can see this in the future.
• To hate on those who hurt me
• To see the world from fresh eyes

I am doing this:

• To keep myself from drowning.
• To keep myself grounded.
• To grow.
• To live my way.

My way is vibrant but it is not loud. It is alive and full but it isn’t extroverted. I’m more like a stream in the woods or an ocean. I am deep and full but out of most people’s way. I am enjoyable but if you enter into tender spots I am violent and aggressive. I like this about me. I like that I can be as cool as ice and just as strong. Wild as a storm and just as beautiful. Soft and energizing as a stream in the woods and powerful as the ocean it connects to. Soft and mesmerizing as steam that can be hot or cold as needed.

I am alive. I am me.

 

 

Give a girl a journal?

Found this while perusing {Words of me Project} site as one of her favorite blogs. Hearing this spoke very deeply into me, maybe it’s just because of how I am feeling right now, but, who cares? Some things are made for one specific moment in time, and that is more than fine with me. Having a person out there who gets these feelings in me is exactly what I need RIGHT now.

52 weeks starting Oct 1 (officially)

I have been talking about changing my life and taking a year to get my life into my way of living and I stumbled onto this blog:

http://wordsofmeproject.blogspot.com/p/welcome-to-my-year-long-and-free-e-class.html

In her welcome posting for the 52 weeks she wrote this:

“The idea came about because I was sick and tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger look back. When in the world did I become so frumpy and cynical and mad all the time?? Where had the fun and perky and sweet Leslie gone?? My energy  had all but vanished, eating everything in sight and not caring AND my creativity has been at an all-time low.

This is NOT the way I want to live the next half of my life!!”

I have been having these same feelings SOO I’ve chosen this site as my practical 52 week teaching, adding on as I see necessary and going according to my needs. So far so good. She’s more artsy than I first thought this year would hold for me, but I don’t mind since I want to be more artsy too. I will be looking all over website but one week at a time so I don’t get overwhelmed. We will see how this year progresses. I may not be posting every week about what I’m doing since this may get personal but I’m not sure what will happen, yet. 🙂

Yesterday was heavy, today is light

Very simple concept, add the funny to the heavy and you get a nice hunny feel to life. 😉

Also this:

RWBY is really a longer anime than just the Chibi but they are on hiatus for the summer so they are putting these small things out till then. I miss the show, it’s not the best drawn but the storyline is impressive. A friend of mine keeps getting me into these stories that are epic but still very sad. I want to beat him but they are REALLY good so what can I do?

It’s something

I have a 52 week course I’m going to go though, more info later, but it first talked about morning routine. Suddenly I had this revelation that I don’t like mornings because… waking up has been hell for a long time.

I confided in a friend my feelings and she asked me how long it had been this way. I didn’t want to answer because saying it would have made it more real than I needed in that moment. When we got off the phone I watched this:

I have never been raped, but I have had a lot of things happen in my life that were “something”, but not enough for me to tell anyone. I felt pain but I just expected it to pass. At mark 19:30 of the video, I just broke down.

July and August were so hard but because I thought the feelings in my stomach and before that my neck would pass I thought I could just wait to go to the doctor, the pain will pass. Getting to the ER and them saying I should have come in, hearing from a friend that a week is how long you wait….right in this moment I see all those things that I let pass because I either compared them to others experiences and said they were nothing or I just thought they would pass…

It’s been over 15 years since I remember having a daily wake-up of wanting to embrace my days. I feel just like I did when I the doctors or nurses kept asking how long I had had pain. I felt so dumb looking back. It’s so idiotic to hold onto pain for so long. Emotional, mental or physical.

A few people caused pain in my life and I never got it treated. They were young they didn’t know so I let them off but I never got the treatment I needed or tools to deal if it happened again. And it did, and it kept happening and my pain got worse and worse with every person who didn’t mean to hurt me or was too young to know what they were doing but did.

Yet, I don’t want to approach my past in bitterness…there’s enough of that to last me a lifetime, I just want treatment and healing.

15 years I have been hurting and ignoring my pain. God, help me, that sounds worse writing it down. I’m not even sure how I am going to say this out loud to my friend. Or anyone really.

God has been gently pushing me this direction for 3 1/2 years. I was so angry at him for making me take time off and just talk to him and I was so confused as to why. How long until…..lots of things. He sat and watched me in this pit as I covered myself over and wouldn’t hear from anyone, let alone him. He who loves me more than anyone had to endure me change from a fun, light playful girl into a dark, pain-shamed filled woman. As I was destroyed internally….I look back on all those moments where he loved me and I saw only the ‘love’ others had already given me that had destroyed my soul, I fall apart.

Here’s the thing…this world is so broken and messed up and I’m not taking this crap any more. I want sweet sleep and joyful wake-ups and life abundant, I will take this year and make it mine. My way.

Do you really dream?

I really need to go to bed but I still have some thoughts in my head.

Thoughts about life and parents, friends and family, love interests and old pains, new things compared to old things, mysteries in my life that are losing their shroud and mysteries that are still wrapped in black.

Life is never a simple task for me in general.

I have a dear friend who brought up thinking up whatever I could possibly want. I’m a woman who hopes for a TARDIS, so he knows I dream big. I thought about and I brought up simple things like a trip to the 99 cents store for all the snacks I could want, I talked about a day at the beach with a friend.

He called me out with this thought, “You are not a grasping woman so why do you walk as if you are and need to stop yourself from wanting, dreaming and asking for things?”

We went back and forth but I brought up the idea that it is hard to dream and want things when:

1. Christians say wanting things is unbiblical, never mind that getting gifts IS a love language.
2. It is always so hard to get even a little thing that I want and I’m tired of fighting so hard for everything.
3. Dreaming doesn’t make it so and ‘working hard’ doesn’t produce results like people say either. It hurts to go so long without and more to have the picture of it but not the thing.

Some time ago I just gave up. I’d rather have my simple dreams that get accomplished than the depressing reality of none of my hopes, of any size, finding their way into the light of my life.

There are quite a few things that I have waited for and tried for and all sorts of things but timing wasn’t right and I, personally, wasn’t right…and it sucks.

Just ‘go get your dreams’ is what I have heard so much. Also this one: If you want friends you must first show yourself friendly. There is SOOO much more to it than that for an INFJ. Layers and issues to figure and all kinds of things that make this not so simple as it could be for others. This hasn’t been taken into account for me and I have to rescript my entire life with this information and it is pissing me off.

Everyone chose to place their version of themselves on me and so it has taken me so long to find my own path, even the beginning, because no one took the time to know me as I am instead of what they thought I was. Never going below the surface I sit here a physical and emotional wreck. Though healing I am all messed up because I didn’t even know myself.

This is really why I am so angry and appalled at the people I once called family. They said they were family but never made a space for me to be all of me. The family I have now, they just expect you to be you and don’t question unless you question. They are by my side even if they don’t get me.

I have to take this next year, not only getting to know myself more but also pouring into myself, finding others who want to know me and get me, and then when all is finished, be the person that I find and not let anyone take her from me. Take that life as mine and not allow anyone to take it from me.

So:

1. Learning and exploring more
2. Pouring in
3. Partners
4. Holding fast

*Puts head on the table*

Simple steps for such a long road. Knowing what the problem is makes the next steps seem so simple. Yet the amount of work it took to get here seems in proportionate to how much pain has gone on before.

*Screams in frustration*

Now I feel like it will take me longer to get to sleep!

Leverage

If you have not seen Leverage you are missing out in so very many ways. Leverage is a TV show about a bunch of thieves who are brought together by an ex-insurance agent to help a guy who was stolen from. This turns into a setup and they are almost killed for it. They get the guy back but they have so much fun, make so much money that they don’t want to go back to their old lives.

They decide they want to follow Nate, the mastermind of it all. He has mega issues throughout the whole show but is human about is annoying habits so though I got annoyed about how long it takes him to get over himself, I got used to it.

Main characters:

1. Sophie Devereaux (Not her real name): the grafter, person who gets people to do what they want via a whole litany of psychology/manipulation tactics.
2. Eliot Spencer: The hitter, bodyguard of the team…sort of, he’s great at a lot.
3. Alec Hardison: the hacker. Best known for “Age of the geek, baby.”
4. Parker: Thief, who is emotionally odd but has an awesome journey.

There is so much to love about this show. From the wonderful layers of planning from Nate Ford, to the comedy and banter from everyone, bromance between Hardison and Eliot, the will they-WHY HAVEN’T THEY? from Parker and Hardison, the deeper subjects that are explored throughout like grief. The show is a whole masterpiece for me. It has everything.

I noticed, of course, the people that I wanted to be more like and what I would want to do on a team like this. I wanted to be like Parker in her fearlessness and I identified with her emotional and social challenges, yet, I loved Hardison! I am all about that geek life but the idea of sitting at a computer for so long and coding? No, thank you.

Each time they helps someone I wonder about how I could build a team in real life that could help people in a fun and cool way. Ahh. dreams.

It has 5 seasons but though you can binge it, you can miss a lot so I say 2-4 episodes at a shot. 4 is only if you are really a binge watcher. You can get a little wrapped up in the action if you have too much and want to go mess up some people. Trust me, you most likely don’t have the skills and really need a team for this.

Though this is something I want to add to my life, taking the skills I have and using them in such a bold way, without the thought of jail time of course. 😉

Delilah Dirk!

 So this is one of my favorite comics. Tony Cliff has posted 2 chapters for free online if you want to read it: http://www.delilahdirk.com/

The story is about a young woman and young Turk gentleman. Kind of like a Sherlock and Watson story, the woman is outlandish and always up for a calculated thrill and the young Turk is super out of his element as he gets swept up in her path of crazy.

I bring it up because the second just showed up at the library and I got really excited. I hope to read it this week!!

The story is pure adventure but it also has this pull of what it is like to change your entire lifestyle. Easy to see why it interests me. At a certain point the Turkish gentleman has to decide to go with Delilah or if he wants to stay in the comfort of his usual life. His mind says not to be stupid and go with the usual flow but his heart enjoys the adventure. I read this a couple of years ago and really it called to me because of this. Also I love main characters who are adventurers and maybe even a little bit pirate. I want to be like this but my moral compass can’t push myself to steal. 🙂

Delilah is brazen and fun and more often than not stealing because she thinks it’s right. Not Robin Hood really but more like a Lily from ‘How I met your mother’ punishes people by taking from them when she thinks they are in the wrong. This makes life very hard for the young Turk who  just wants to enjoy his tea and not get killed. And, yeah, he makes a bomb cup of tea. Which makes me love him. 🙂

My new year

So, I tried one of the 7 questions and this really made me re-think where I am.
“If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you be remembered.”

Instead of the usual thoughts that I might have, morbid or ‘realistic’, I began to explore the breadth of my desires. It went from a journal prompt to an actual hard look at my life and what I have been doing. I know people talk about Life audits but I didn’t need 20 questions for this to happen.

I want to pour into my life instead of only pouring out. I have learned to serve everyone but loving is different. I want to love myself and then others when I have it to give. I want to spend a whole year enjoying the things I enjoy without shame or guilt. I want to go outside a LOT more. I want to be with people who pour into me and vice versa but without the usual ‘work’ way of doing it. I have one person like that right now, but I want another one.

Most important…I want to build my life untethered to my family. All of them, blood too. It’s not that I don’t want them in my life, I just don’t want to be tethered to the dock anymore. I want to get in my boat and cruise around the harbor. I want to go random places at the best times, because it is my time. I want this to be my time and life now and not just a kid who has to go wherever and do whatever everyone else says. I want to go to the beach on Christmas Day whether my parents want to come or not. I want to elope and tell no one until I am ready to actually be a couple. I want to eat way more junk food, knowing that my version is healthy for a lot of people and not feel ashamed that I enjoy healthy and junky food. I want to ENJOY MY LIFE. I want to get a lot of good-for-me things into my life in differing sizes, shapes and colors. The ‘mundane’ like reading with the windows open and a blanket with tea to the medium of going stargazing in a truck overnight and the larger going to Japan for a month.

I’m so used to the concept of ‘servants serve’ from church that I forgot, people need replenishing. If I am to pour out God’s love into the world I better have his love, a cup and the ability to pour. Why die of starvation and thirst because you were giving it all to others? Are you not allowed to drink because you are JUST  a servant? We are fellow heirs with Christ, we get to eat too! And drink and live and enjoy his love and laugh with him!

Give me a break, Christians! Give us all a break!

So now, as I assemble a mental list of what I want in my life, and what I will begin to add, questions linger in my mind. Waiting until the new year ins’t an option, with all the medical stuff I think I need to do this now and not wait. I got to a bad place, I don’t want to go again. Others disdain, anger, maltreatment or discouragement can’t hold me back either. UGH! And straight fear from the grey unknown has to change to the beauty of a white piece of paper. I may make mistakes a few mistakes but I’d rather enjoy doing than holding back for more an more time.

HA! That settles it! I will go get a cup of tea, finish up this writing prompt in my personal journal and then….most likely go to sleep. It’s been a long day. Helpful and pouring into self but still long and full.

Good Day

https://www.buzzfeed.com/natalyalobanova/descartes-would-approve?utm_term=.njwovnbPV#.eu8EkADyq

Today 2 things happened.

1. I went to the doctor. (Finally.)
2. I finally got someone on the phone to deal with insurance stuff.
3. Went to Ikea

Both of these were really weighing heavily on my mind. I wanted to just get the bills paid and everyone kept telling me it was possible but not actually doing it. NOW, in 1-3 business days, it will be!

My doctor on the other hand, well he was a trip. He’s not my normal doctor but hey, it was an emergency. He told me:

1. Comparing me to a car: If the problem isn’t the motor, we check the electrical.
2. Three exercises, until I can get do normal exercises.
3. No reading in bed. (\O0O/)
4. I get to eat little junk food bites until I get my weight back under control.

Pretty much it was all stress. I had a neck problem that I dealt with in June though it had been going on for longer. When that was over, my stomach became and issue right after. Neck problems can lead to stomach problems, who knew! Also the race issues that have been so hard on my family have created so much tension and now, here are the results for me the HSP.

All of this has me waking up more to who I am. One day in the future I really hope to love on my family of HSP, empaths and introverts and help them to really love on themselves. Not be so deep on ‘one day at a time’. That is important in the beginning but you shouldn’t live like that. I’ve been living that way for so long, I forgot the feel of the sun. 😉