8 minutes of world building

So, I met someone today. A person one of my parents works with.

I seriously didn’t know her but she knew who I was and acted like we had met for drinks and had fun at least once in our lives. She is a prankster and really cool. Then she starts talking about Japan and teaching it and when I say I want to learn it and go to the Olympics in 2020 she says I am welcome to stay at her family’s place.

This went from a casual, “hey, have you seen my parent?” to “Yes, I can help you with one of your top goals and dreams.” in about 8 minutes?

Both parents are now super duper pressuring on taking up the offer and making this happen.

Me? I see the world in my head beginning to build itself out into my life like watching the Doctor Strange trailer. (So excited for that, hopefully I make it without watching any more of the trailers. They can ruin so much.) I’m calm because I anticipated this. They are not because they simply see an opportunity for their daughter to go out and see the world that she won’t shut up about.

I want to be excited, sure, but I… my focus is different. I have been so focused on the big future that my present now slipped away and my soul died. The little and medium things are important to me now. The fact that I tried the first day of a morning routine and was actually happy and full during the day. The fact that I got a new phone and cover so it won’t break.

Plus I want to think about the next 3 months. What will happen to explode my territory and life? What do I want to add so that I have a full life and not just others burdens and lives pressing in on me? Who do I want to add more into my life, if anyone?

My friend asked me what I want the rest of this year to look like and I don’t want it to be only building for the coming year. I want it to be filled with delight, magic and me. I want to keep myself honest, that’s why I did this blog. I don’t write everyday, but I will have a post for everyday of this year. I will add in the pieces of my life here not for any reason like:

  • So I know I lived.
  • So the world can see I lived.
  • So someone can see this in the future.
  • To hate on those who hurt me
  • To see the world from fresh eyes

I am doing this:

  • To keep myself from drowning.
  • To keep myself grounded.
  • To grow.
  • To live my way.

My way is vibrant but it is not loud. It is alive and full but it isn’t extroverted. I’m more like a stream in the woods or an ocean. I am deep and full but out of most people’s way. I am enjoyable but if you enter into tender spots I am violent and aggressive. I like this about me. I like that I can be as cool as ice and just as strong. Wild as a storm and just as beautiful. Soft and energizing as a stream in the woods and powerful as the ocean it connects to. Soft and mesmerizing as steam that can be hot or cold as needed.

I am alive. I am me.

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Give a girl a journal?

Found this while perusing {Words of me Project} site as one of her favorite blogs. Hearing this spoke very deeply into me, maybe it’s just because of how I am feeling right now, but, who cares? Some things are made for one specific moment in time, and that is more than fine with me. Having a person out there who gets these feelings in me is exactly what I need RIGHT now.

52 weeks starting Oct 1 (officially)

I have been talking about changing my life and taking a year to get my life into my way of living and I stumbled onto this blog:

http://wordsofmeproject.blogspot.com/p/welcome-to-my-year-long-and-free-e-class.html

In her welcome posting for the 52 weeks she wrote this:

“The idea came about because I was sick and tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger look back. When in the world did I become so frumpy and cynical and mad all the time?? Where had the fun and perky and sweet Leslie gone?? My energy  had all but vanished, eating everything in sight and not caring AND my creativity has been at an all-time low.

This is NOT the way I want to live the next half of my life!!”

I have been having these same feelings SOO I’ve chosen this site as my practical 52 week teaching, adding on as I see necessary and going according to my needs. So far so good. She’s more artsy than I first thought this year would hold for me, but I don’t mind since I want to be more artsy too. I will be looking all over website but one week at a time so I don’t get overwhelmed. We will see how this year progresses. I may not be posting every week about what I’m doing since this may get personal but I’m not sure what will happen, yet. 🙂

Yesterday was heavy, today is light

Very simple concept, add the funny to the heavy and you get a nice hunny feel to life. 😉

Also this:

RWBY is really a longer anime than just the Chibi but they are on hiatus for the summer so they are putting these small things out till then. I miss the show, it’s not the best drawn but the storyline is impressive. A friend of mine keeps getting me into these stories that are epic but still very sad. I want to beat him but they are REALLY good so what can I do?

It’s something

I have a 52 week course I’m going to go though, more info later, but it first talked about morning routine. Suddenly I had this revelation that I don’t like mornings because… waking up has been hell for a long time.

I confided in a friend my feelings and she asked me how long it had been this way. I didn’t want to answer because saying it would have made it more real than I needed in that moment. When we got off the phone I watched this:

I have never been raped, but I have had a lot of things happen in my life that were “something”, but not enough for me to tell anyone. I felt pain but I just expected it to pass. At mark 19:30 of the video, I just broke down.

July and August were so hard but because I thought the feelings in my stomach and before that my neck would pass I thought I could just wait to go to the doctor, the pain will pass. Getting to the ER and them saying I should have come in, hearing from a friend that a week is how long you wait….right in this moment I see all those things that I let pass because I either compared them to others experiences and said they were nothing or I just thought they would pass…

It’s been over 15 years since I remember having a daily wake-up of wanting to embrace my days. I feel just like I did when I the doctors or nurses kept asking how long I had had pain. I felt so dumb looking back. It’s so idiotic to hold onto pain for so long. Emotional, mental or physical.

A few people caused pain in my life and I never got it treated. They were young they didn’t know so I let them off but I never got the treatment I needed or tools to deal if it happened again. And it did, and it kept happening and my pain got worse and worse with every person who didn’t mean to hurt me or was too young to know what they were doing but did.

Yet, I don’t want to approach my past in bitterness…there’s enough of that to last me a lifetime, I just want treatment and healing.

15 years I have been hurting and ignoring my pain. God, help me, that sounds worse writing it down. I’m not even sure how I am going to say this out loud to my friend. Or anyone really.

God has been gently pushing me this direction for 3 1/2 years. I was so angry at him for making me take time off and just talk to him and I was so confused as to why. How long until…..lots of things. He sat and watched me in this pit as I covered myself over and wouldn’t hear from anyone, let alone him. He who loves me more than anyone had to endure me change from a fun, light playful girl into a dark, pain-shamed filled woman. As I was destroyed internally….I look back on all those moments where he loved me and I saw only the ‘love’ others had already given me that had destroyed my soul, I fall apart.

Here’s the thing…this world is so broken and messed up and I’m not taking this crap any more. I want sweet sleep and joyful wake-ups and life abundant, I will take this year and make it mine. My way.

Do you really dream?

I really need to go to bed but I still have some thoughts in my head.

Thoughts about life and parents, friends and family, love interests and old pains, new things compared to old things, mysteries in my life that are losing their shroud and mysteries that are still wrapped in black.

Life is never a simple task for me in general.

I have a dear friend who brought up thinking up whatever I could possibly want. I’m a woman who hopes for a TARDIS, so he knows I dream big. I thought about and I brought up simple things like a trip to the 99 cents store for all the snacks I could want, I talked about a day at the beach with a friend.

He called me out with this thought, “You are not a grasping woman so why do you walk as if you are and need to stop yourself from wanting, dreaming and asking for things?”

We went back and forth but I brought up the idea that it is hard to dream and want things when:

  1. Christians say wanting things is unbiblical, never mind that getting gifts IS a love language.
  2. It is always so hard to get even a little thing that I want and I’m tired of fighting so hard for everything.
  3. Dreaming doesn’t make it so and ‘working hard’ doesn’t produce results like people say either. It hurts to go so long without and more to have the picture of it but not the thing.

Some time ago I just gave up. I’d rather have my simple dreams that get accomplished than the depressing reality of none of my hopes, of any size, finding their way into the light of my life.

There are quite a few things that I have waited for and tried for and all sorts of things but timing wasn’t right and I, personally, wasn’t right…and it sucks.

Just ‘go get your dreams’ is what I have heard so much. Also this one: If you want friends you must first show yourself friendly. There is SOOO much more to it than that for an INFJ. Layers and issues to figure and all kinds of things that make this not so simple as it could be for others. This hasn’t been taken into account for me and I have to rescript my entire life with this information and it is pissing me off.

Everyone chose to place their version of themselves on me and so it has taken me so long to find my own path, even the beginning, because no one took the time to know me as I am instead of what they thought I was. Never going below the surface I sit here a physical and emotional wreck. Though healing I am all messed up because I didn’t even know myself.

This is really why I am so angry and appalled at the people I once called family. They said they were family but never made a space for me to be all of me. The family I have now, they just expect you to be you and don’t question unless you question. They are by my side even if they don’t get me.

I have to take this next year, not only getting to know myself more but also pouring into myself, finding others who want to know me and get me, and then when all is finished, be the person that I find and not let anyone take her from me. Take that life as mine and not allow anyone to take it from me.

So:

  1. Learning and exploring more
  2. Pouring in
  3. Partners
  4. Holding fast

*Puts head on the table*

Simple steps for such a long road. Knowing what the problem is makes the next steps seem so simple. Yet the amount of work it took to get here seems in proportionate to how much pain has gone on before.

*Screams in frustration*

Now I feel like it will take me longer to get to sleep!

Leverage

Leverage PosterIf you have not seen Leverage you are missing out in so very many ways. Leverage is a TV show about a bunch of thieves who are brought together by an ex-insurance agent to help a guy who was stolen from. This turns into a setup and they are almost killed for it. They get the guy back but they have so much fun, make so much money that they don’t want to go back to their old lives.

They decide they want to follow Nate, the mastermind of it all. He has mega issues throughout the whole show but is human about is annoying habits so though I got annoyed about how long it takes him to get over himself, I got used to it.

Main characters:

  1. Sophie Devereaux (Not her real name): the grafter, person who gets people to do what they want via a whole litany of psychology/manipulation tactics.
  2. Eliot Spencer: The hitter, bodyguard of the team…sort of, he’s great at a lot.
  3. Alec Hardison: the hacker. Best known for “Age of the geek, baby.”
  4. Parker: Thief, who is emotionally odd but has an awesome journey.

There is so much to love about this show. From the wonderful layers of planning from Nate Ford, to the comedy and banter from everyone, bromance between Hardison and Eliot, the will they-WHY HAVEN’T THEY? from Parker and Hardison, the deeper subjects that are explored throughout like grief. The show is a whole masterpiece for me. It has everything.

I noticed, of course, the people that I wanted to be more like and what I would want to do on a team like this. I wanted to be like Parker in her fearlessness and I identified with her emotional and social challenges, yet, I loved Hardison! I am all about that geek life but the idea of sitting at a computer for so long and coding? No, thank you.

Each time they helps someone I wonder about how I could build a team in real life that could help people in a fun and cool way. Ahh. dreams.

It has 5 seasons but though you can binge it, you can miss a lot so I say 2-4 episodes at a shot. 4 is only if you are really a binge watcher. You can get a little wrapped up in the action if you have too much and want to go mess up some people. Trust me, you most likely don’t have the skills and really need a team for this.

Though this is something I want to add to my life, taking the skills I have and using them in such a bold way, without the thought of jail time of course. 😉