hmmm….My sister and I aren’t close. She’s older than me so it’s a little strange.
She the wild and free type and I’m the good kid who stays home. This makes her selfish a lot and me stuffy.
When we do see each other it’s like nothing is really wrong. I don’t even feel like I have a right to say anything is wrong. When we were younger she had to ‘watch me’ some times. I was just young enough that being alone wasn’t okay. We were cool. We played the randomest games and had fun.
Then we would go to church and things changed. Everyone at our church was older than me or younger by like 8-10 years. So it’s play with the toddlers/babies or play with the teens/young adults. I did both but it can get boring when it becomes babysitting all of the time. So I’d try hanging with the older teens and my sister…she began to treat me like I didn’t exist. Not like Hans from Frozen, but enough that her best friend began to look at me with pity and tried to include me. The back and forth was so strange to me. Friends at home. Strangers at church.
I began to feel pathetic.
Hmm… I just noticed that.
To me, the body of Christ is a family and that’s what the pastor taught everyone else too. I thought everyone believed that too. The pastor’s kids treated me like their little sister, so I thought that this was how family was.
As an adult I began to compare the family I made to the one of the past. The family that had called me family, the sister I thought was family….
They weren’t a very good family.
It wasn’t in the big things that I could even notice it. My family now, when something is wrong, GOODNESS! These Christians go from good saints to heavy packing thugs. They threaten to take down the people who have hurt me, go to the mat for me! It’s quite cute and though I know part of them is bluster I see their heart telling me, I’m hear for you, talk when you are ready. When I look low, I get space and hugs. A look directly in my eye to see if I’m really “okay”. They aren’t perfect but they do love me.
The people I used to know…looking back I think about how much they used to make me feel bad about myself. They used names you really shouldn’t call a kid because it leaves marks. They made me work when I really should have been playing. Lifting each other up wasn’t a thing for them so they didn’t do it for me either. Put downs were more the norm. Isolation, the norm. Being laughed at, the norm. I became a different person entirely simply out of the need to keep my self-esteem alive.
hmm…I didn’t notice that either. I always thought that was because of school… huh. Writing really does focus me. It is up to me to change my life now. However, I do believe that finding root causes to your problems so that you can let go of them and grow is important as well. So I guess this isn’t to call out the people I used to know, though part of me does want to do so. I once wrote several letters to them calling them out, but never sent them. Not my way, really.
I just want to heal and not talk to them any more. I don’t want to be bullied into being and doing things that aren’t me and then called out for not lining up their standard.
Ai, chincha! How did I miss such a big thing! I talk so big about not wanting to be put on a pedestal and I did the same to all of them.