Drawing

Tried a thing. 

Thing I tried:

Thing I did:

Found that to do a side face, I have to draw it like mountains sideways and the hair upside down in order to get a good swirl.

How do I say goodbye, when I suck at it?

Today was hard…like had a friend just randomly hug me simply because I looked sad. Do you know how many times that has happeed? Less than 5 in my lifetime. One of those wasn’t a hug so much as a pull into a room and sat down so I didn’t kill someone….

My friend is moving. It was very sudden and will move suddenly. The circumstances surrounding why aren’t fair or clean and seem almost illegal, but they aren’t so she’s not protected by the government. So 1 whole state away she goes.

At church they had a stand up and be encouraging moment for her, say a few words, pray…and I couldnt. 

I mean….I felt that at any moment I was going to breakdown. Not the pretty cry or even ugly cry, but mentally and emotionally have a break. Haven’t had one in awhile and I don’t want one. I’m not losing her, I know, but I’m still messed up about it. Losing 2 friends in less than a year, sucks.

I wrote a letter and it was my only redemption. I’m good with words written, but from my mouth to people in front of me, I need a script and it’s not like I knew they would have a thing for her.

Endings are like taking sledgehammer to a tree and watching it splinter and rip apart. It’s gruesome and not what should be done. Sure there may be more story or in this case a new place where the tree was…but for now all I can hear is the sound of the tree coming apart and I want to climb into a whole and cover my ears till the sound stops.

And I stop hurting.

Hugs before words

I wish I had a magic carpet sometimes so I could fly to wherever and hug people. 

I have a school friend who I found out lost a baby, a church friend who got criticized for having a baby and another who got called out for having too many babies. 

And I’m at a loss on how to help a lot of the time. All I can think is hug the friend and slice open the leg of the perpetrators. 

But that’s certainly not Christian and not going to help the situation. Especially for the friend who lost a baby. There’s no one to fight. 

I feel like that a lot: there’s no one to fight! 

Diesease, death, ‘life’…there’s no one specific person to fight. I think that’s why guys are always starting fights randomly. They have all this anger at the world and their people are hurting and all they can do is take it on someone willing to fight back. Even if they get knocked up a little at least they let out some of that steam.

But I can’t really give a hug over the internet. Physical touch is way different from *hugs*. 

And so my carpet idea….

Next steps

Fast approaching august and that is my official stopping point. I haven’t checked the date, but it will be a full year since I started blogging daily. It has been hard since I started working and honestly the stopping point can’t arrive sone for me.

Yet, simply stopping gives me this feeling that I won’t be writing ever again.

When I first did this for one month I felt satisfied with that month and I was ready to stop. Than a few years later when I began the yearlong blog I found myself excited to continue, but thinking I wouldn’t make it. Now I have and I want to stop cuz I’m tired, like being in a marathon and just ready to stop tired. However, I don’t want to stop entirely and want to begin to do something else that pushes me to write everyday, but maybe not in a public way. Or maybe start putting up my poetry or write short stories or post drawings. (Yeah, no to that last one.)

But still this weekend I’m going to look through my options and decide how I want to move forward. I won’t delete this, for sure, but neither do I know what I want to do with it. Maybe I will let another few years go by and pick it up for some new project. Either way I’m happy at my accomplishment and am looking forwaRd to next steps.

Sherlock vs Watson revisited

For years I have looked for a Sherlock of my very own and I would be their Watson. Someone who would bring adventure practically by sneezing. Yet, I only found Watsons, or Blair Waldorfs who either wanted a Sherlock to follow or and army to rule or at the very least a Serena who was worst than they were. (Gossip Girl)

When I was myself and at ease I even found my own male Irene Adler and he was magnificent. Not meant to be, but still magnificent. 

I have so run from being my own version of myself that it takes time to find her. She’s hidden deep under the layers of other people’s version of me. She’s vivacious and stunning, slightly inappropriate and not very kind, skirts the line between good and bad, but is never evil and the good can be found even in the bad. She is no Snow White, but very much the wonderminded Ariel, and gets stuff done closer to a Daenerys, but wants to be free like Elsa.

So here I am planning a thing. I won’t build “one” me; I don’t have only one side to me. I have tried to force this normalcy long enough. I will build styles based on the intricate inner world that is my mind, body, soul and spirit. I want my inner and outer to self to showcase my full self and not just the sides of me people want to see. 

…those sides are so boring.

A cautionary tale

My old friend got married and just called up our family to invite us to a reception. I walked in from a long day at work to, “oh, here she is!” and practically ran from the phone.

This is one of my last friends to get married and ….I’m not happy for her. I’m jealous and envious and angry at myself and and bit at God and…trying to get on the phone and get the high “OMG” voice….I couldn’t do it. 

For all my friends when I heard they were having babies or when they got married I was inwardly and outwardly pleased…but after so many and now really being pretty much the last….I think I internally broke something. 

This is in lieu of finding out 3 friends are pregnant and I’m just sitting here on my period filled with hormones that aren’t going anywhere. 

I don’t even want a baby.

I just feel so far behind. I JUST got a job and it feels everyone is 3 steps ahead. The marriages, the place to live, the jobs, the kids now? 

I’m in my 20s I’m nowhere near being an old maid…but I expected to be in a different place. Boyfriend at the least, travelling way more, job with more money and a different one. The job thing was based on other people’s goals for me so that doesn’t count. Yet, still…

I put my ambitions in a hole because I saw how ambition could hurt people. I chose to put my desires aside because I thought it was the Christian thing to do. I buried my wants in order to better handle people…and at the end of the day I was left with having a gaping hole where my wants, hopes, desires and ambitions should have been fullfilled.

I spent so much tI me on other people thinking all that was related to me was sin and they were all godly.

And now when I should be reveling with a friend, I am left with a bitter stomach.

I have still much growth and learning to do it seems.

A blessing

Today was a blessing. I went to work later than the usual and so I would have ended up at home by 10pm. My bus drove by as we were closing up, so that meant a wait time of half an hour.

As we were leaving a coworker offered me a ride and I gladly took it down the road to my transition for the second bus. I didn’t need a ride all the way home, just closer. Got home by 9 pm and boy what a blessing.

Sometimes days have little things added in like that to make them sweeter. 

Cookies

Micro chocolate chips make all the difference in my mind.

Made these and I think they are the best because of the chip. They are like sprinkles and you barely notice them. Warm they are magnificent. I made a batch, but then I tossed it in the freezer. Which I found is a no no. Important to scoop them first or its hard getting them out. Still glad to have them.

“The” moniker

I had an acquaintance who used to add “The” to the beginning of my name. I’m sure I could have taken this in many negative or even positive ways, yet, I always saw this as her way to show me what she thought about our differences, the status of our friendship even. 

She saw me as this princess type, aloof, going places and a tad snobby. She never called herself that so I’m assuming she considered herself as a “normal person”. She liked herself, sure, but didn’t considered herself to be royalty. 

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. 

It also goes in the reverse. Young ladies who think of themselves as better and thus everyone else are…peasants? Maybe that’s too harsh, but divas can be hilarious and come in many forms.

I recognize that people see me in a particular light and based on how other people have treated them, they treat me either as lower or higher than themselves.

So, sometimes I get treated like a princess or sometimes like a respected servant. 

In the past I have laughed at this in the way a scientist may laugh at a test subject who has taken over the experiment and preens around as the leader. 

Not so much any more. Now it’s just annoying. I was trying to make real friends and they thought in terms of hierarchy. To me we were always equal, but when they pushed me into a “role” I emotionally stepped away and just let them do their thing. 

I’m not “the” anyone yet. Unless it is THE Morgan Freeman or THE Shahrukh Kahn….none of us count. I get that people need certain levels of thinking to survive, the Queen bee needs strength to make it in Hollywood and the missionary needs humility in India (bless you Amy Charmichael), but when it comes to friends? 

I don’t need that crap. I need friends.