RTW: Flavor Red

There is a cousin of mine who reminds me of myself, she is intelligent but hides it in attitude. She was a wild child as a kid and brilliant. She is magnificent and has a potential for a world that she doesn’t really accept as a world for herself.

One year I heard her say something so inappropriate that I had to violently leave her presence, physically moving her out of my way because inside I wanted to actually slap her face. She disappointed me.

This caused a firestorm and later she is chewing me out to her madre and mine and even brought another cousin, the relationship never repaired. She called me out for all kinds of things, some I didn’t even know about or thought were true. I had been disappointing her for years and I didn’t even know.

When given a chance to speak I let loose. I spoke about all the horrible things that I had been seeing in her…that I had seen in myself already. I wanted to help her see how bad she was and never got to the part about how awesome she was. I hurt her.

She cut off contact from me. I was left numb.

Didn’t she see what I was trying to say?? No, why would she. I didn’t here her for years how could she be any different.

I regretted not telling her the fact that what I saw was what I saw in myself that had caused me pain and I wanted to spare her from that. Instead I stabbed her emotionally and never went back in with medicine or love or really anything.

Her favorite flavor when she was little was ‘Red’ and we all thought she was so adorable for it. I thought she was brilliant and was simply waiting for the days when she would be older and we could play like teen sisters. Instead I did what my older sisters did to me, trying to help but doing more harm than good.

God help me I want to tell her the truth, and truly there is no greater time than now, but this requires more skill than I have yet to fully possess and I refuse to make the same mistake twice and hurt her more. I pray, literally, for the day when God redeems that moment. She deserves better.

Growing up to die

Jesus says to have child-like faith. Paul said to put away childish things.

Who is right? Most people see this and of course they would go with whatever God says but many people still believe in their heart of hearts in the Paul way .

One thing God has taught me is that I don’t have to choose one or the other in this life for so many things. So why choose to follow Paul versus Jesus?

In this life we are trained to stop being silly, artists can’t survive, Happily Ever After doesn’t exist, nor true love and so many other things. We are told “THIS IS REALITY!”

I want to set us all free.

Why not take both?

If God almighty says it’s possible, because it is all one word coming from the mouth of God, why not expand our mind, hearts and souls?

The truth is as kids we believe in the improbable and as adults we learn the true width of what improbability looks like. The childish thing seems more to be to not take these possibilities of failure into account at all. The child-like thing is to look at the improbable and the probable and do what you want to do anyway.

I’m not saying that we all become artists: I enjoy art but I still LOVE accounting. I’m not saying we should all get married: Happily Ever After and true love do not have to be romance alone. Many of the characters in our fairytales are just happy they survived the adventures of the their life (Red Riding Hood) and some are single parents and truly love their children(forgot the name).

The point is that we do not have to grow up and become shells of our former selves. It is so hard to grind through a life you hate so why not grind through a life you love instead? Haha

Finishing Toriko

OH MYYYYYY!!!!

I was on the edge of my seat for this whole story. I enjoyed it so much and I just didn’t want to stop reading. It gets very strange but it is still a great story. The second to last chapter is so worthwhile and I cried at several parts. I also thought the ending was satisfactory an end instead of just stopping. I will say that parts of it can get…they seem wrong. Almost as if the artist’s should have gone another direction but I still thought I was correct. A story doesn’t have to sound right to be correct. I may not like God telling me to forgive others but it is still correct and he helps me do so. The same goes for this story…I don’t want to have spoilers so I won’t explain that one.

I so want to know what this ‘Gourmet World’ would look like in real terms. There were so many things that I wanted to eat from the story, like BB corn!!! and Melk stardust?? I have already told God that in eternity we are building this planet, maybe minus a few things but still good things. The soup stock in the ocean was an a amazing concept as well and seems like a viable thing that could be done if I knew how to build a planet. I enjoy the concept of working with my best friend to build a planet that is all about food. What a more wonderful thing because of how important coming to the table and eat food together. My family is all about this. We grow closer and closer in Christ because of eating together. Even when we disagree about things in passionate ways we come together to eat and grow in Christ’s love. This is my Beloved family who are just like the principles that Toriko and his family always held.

Also, I just love Zebra, especially him and Brunch. I want to see a whole new story with these two fighting, eating and cooking together. However, the friendship of Toriko and Komatsu is just stellar and a bit how I could Jesus and John. 🙂 I also would love to see a story of the four kings with chefs of their own (not including Toriko and Komatsu, of course) This is the first time I have read a story and seen that this was really just a beginning instead of the end and never again. I love this so much!

Off Facebook for good I think….

These past two months I have given up on Facebook except 2 days out of the month. This past Friday I went on and saw what I have been seeing but with different headlines. However it is summed like this:

“I have a problem, and no one cares or is doing anything about it.”

When I see someone has posted a cute video about dancing kids, I see this is really them upset that their minority isn’t given enough attention, and is put down so they are trying to show more of it.

When I see someone post about a girl committing suicide after a tweet that’s them crying out for help, I see that the person who posted is really calling out themselves for a help.

SOOOO many people who are simply saying I am in pain and no one cares or is doing anything about it…I got tired after a few minutes. Instead of sharing life, my friends have made a platform for their pain and all its branches. It is less about enjoying each other and more about showing that they are hurting more than someone else.

I am not Captain America or Superman…I am me and….I only have these two hands as Avicii and Aloe Blacc once said in ‘Wake me up’.

I know on this site where I have been pouring out my heart and problems that it sounds hypocritical to be calling out my Facebook friends for showing off their pain.

My friends are in pain and many of them are Christians and it is this that I think of them as …Ananais and Sapphira. They claim to believe in God, but …they are still stuck in the old ways of the world. They don’t call out to God as their hope and salvation. If Ananais and Sapphira really wanted to keep the money they had gotten from selling a property, they could have. Instead they hid it from God and acted like it was nothing.

This is what we seem to all be doing we are hiding things from God and act like it’s nothing.

We personally seem to get mad that we talk to everyone but God and get mad that nothing is changing. I include myself because I can see myself doing the same things. I had to call myself out this past week as I found the reason I wasn’t hearing from God was because I hadn’t been talking to HIM! I had been hiding my pain from him and myself and didn’t know why anything was getting done. However, when I did talk to him my whole being went from depressed to joyous. I had energy to burn, I found answers to other questions and I was ready to do more.

Why don’t we treat God, like God, when it is important?

Why don’t we treat him like he is ‘real people’ when we need him to be?

He can be God when we want to yell at him for the world being so bad, but he’s ‘real people’ and unable to do anything when something needs doing? This is messed up.

The God I know cares that I am crushing on a guy who treats me like I don’t exist and also cares when I bring up having to walk down the street thinking a guy might rape me. He really takes a second when I ask him what shoes I wear, telling me the rain boots are better than the sandals today but he also takes a second when I ask him how to talk to my friend about her committing suicide. If people don’t see this God than I wonder why they are following or IF they are following him at all. I don’t want a God who doesn’t care about the ‘Black Lives Matter’ movement any more than I want him to ignore the ‘All Lives Matter’ movement. I want him to care about cops dying, blacks dying, sex slaves, politics, hate, racism and I want him to now only have a way to heal my pain but steps on how to heal my community be that the city, nation or world. If he isn’t that God…than is heaven to be with this God forever such a great idea?

I know there is more to be said and maybe one day I will get there but right now I just want to curl up with a cup of coco, a book and snuggle up with the God who cares what happens in the next chapter. This journey matters, not the end, and I’m not planning on walking it without some great love in my life, and not just at the end when there is no life left in me.

 

Writing outlandish life histories

Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
–Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

Hahaha. Man, I enjoy puny, geeky jokes.

I once saw a book about a young woman who wrote ‘outlandish life histories’ because the past she had lived in was simply too much for her. I thought about it and realized that I do the same, but not out of a need to retreat from my own past or present life or even uncertain future, but because I just enjoy stories. I want to live out all kinds of quests and journeys so I make them up for myself.

Everything from the life on board a ship pretending to be a boy, what it would be to BE a boy, to be dating some favorite character. (This changes regularly, and I don’t often end up with them because my logic says no, so silly, my story you think it could go anywhere!)

I love talking to people and hearing their stories. Learning that someone I love has had two VERY different jobs in their lifetime after knowing them for 5 years? Priceless!

This is why I read too! I want to know all the possibilities out there. It is not only a good tool for problem solving but it also helps to get a broader view of life.

One day I hope to encourage my friends, my children and loved ones to dream a little outside of their comfort zones and for the sheer pleasure of this instead of just for the sake of accomplishing some goal. It’s a good thing to use an imagination and if more people would calm down and do it in love, maybe this life wouldn’t be so hard for all of us.

For those looking for a little encouragement, check out this book by LonelyPlanet:The Travel Book: A Journey Through Every Country in the World

There is a 2016 addition but I haven’t read that one. This one just has the greatest pictures that can fuel a mind for days. Maybe you always wanted to be a disciple of Jesus, or a courtier to one of the Elizabeth’s, or maybe a hermit on some Asian mountain, this book will help you see a lot of where you would be staying.

Best part? You are in your own mind so you always have indoor plumbing, a hot shower and you can eat anything without negative side effects.

Fuuka review

FuukaI have really been enjoying this manga, I hear it is also an anime if anyone cares and because it has a music angle, I highly suggest checking it out…whenever it comes out. I may later.

I found this online and tonally binged it while I had a cold. It’s by Kouji Seo and is a really encouraging look at the music industry. It gets very ecchi later on, so warning ahead of time.

Here is a warning as well, read till about chapter 35 and then stop. Get some tea or whatever. Then pick up the story as if it is it’s own new story.

I accidently did this, call it intuition or whatever, but it gave me a lot of comfort when I read chapter 36 and 37.

I hate to use spoilers, but this is a tearjerker story and I wouldn’t ship anyone in particular since this also is a ‘harem’ genre. It’s so annoying half the time I just want to yell at the book ‘Just pick someone or tell everyone to go away!’ I am really not a fan of guys in stories who really can’t see that a girl likes him. I don’t like the egotistical guys who think EVERY girl likes them either, but still. Also the girls are pretty violent in here. When a girl shows interest in the main character, they hit him! Who does that?

I also suggest that when they get to the music part, throw on some tunes, it vastly adds to the fun. I used: (Caution some do curse or are not for people under 16)

  1. Papa Roach:Face everything and rise
  2. Pop Evil: Beautiful
  3. Fall Out Boy: My Songs know what you did in the dark
  4. Fall Out Boy: I write sins not tragedies
  5. Awolnation:Sail

You really want to get some heavy rock, headbangers. The more soulful ones don’t seem to cut it. The ones that made me drop my head and throw my hear around, really scratch the itch.

OKAY! The plot itself is about a young guy who meets this ‘manic pixie dream girl’ type and she pulls him out of his shell while he kind of uncages her from what she thought she ‘had to do/be’. Later she forces him and three other people to start a band and the story is about how they build up their band, change it and regrow it for what the moment dictates.

One of the things I love about the story is the characters always stay true to what thy believe. They may end up doing EXACTLY what someone else suggest but they wait until they personally are ready to do so and not just based on what some is telling them is best for their band.

This story is very uplifting but it also shows off a concept of finding what you love and sticking to it, finding new ways to get over hurdles and really enjoying yourself instead of forcing a situation. I have always wanted to find something that I enjoy that is also fun. I don’t mind doing something hard as long as it is fun.

Again, I warn you, read up to 36 and then stop for a bit, it will vastly help in the long run. Also, they haven’t made these into books in the US, yet, but I saw amazon.com has it for kindle if you use that? Happy reading, whatever happens. 🙂

 

 

Image result for happy turkey geek day

Today, I won’t be cooking at home but, instead going to a friend’s house. I am honored and also a bit humbled to have someone invite me into their home. This is a thank you over how I have blessed them but what they don’t know, because I haven’t said…they are my blessing.

They are older than me and we do not really share life experiences, but we share pain and confusion and all kinds of things that are basic emotions. I don’t help people easily because of how much pain I have endured as I am told to sit down and shut up or that I was wrong or how I am not supposed to talk to adults like I am an adult. (I was over 18 at the time that last one was said.) This friend of mine listened with open arms and wept with me and heard God’s heart instead of her own pain and shame that just wanted to cut me off.

I have been so encouraged to have people around me who are like me and not just spinning alone in outer space that I am so humbled and relieved to have another person I can call friend and family in Christ. We may not have the same past but we connect in ways that I haven’t been able to with others. It is hard that it is our pain that connects us but I am glad that it doesn’t end there but with God binding us in healing and his love.

I want so much more of this, I’m excited for the days when I will be stronger for more.

RTW: Dating a gay guy

Ever accidently date a homosexual and your the opposite gender?

My one fake boyfriend (long story) was gay. I didn’t know this but his family told me sometime after we ‘broke up’ that he was. I was shocked. How do you date someone when you don’t even like their parts?

In middle school I found that there were all kinds of types. My school was highly progressive and every type of sexuality, way of thinking, kind of person, we accepted pretty much anybody but bullies and racists. I got used to a concept of be who you are, or at least the version you want to share; same in high school.

I have been watching an older show called ‘Perception’ and in the 6th episode called ‘lovesick’, homosexuality is the topic. The word disease wafts around the episode like a foul-smelling cheese. You either eat because someone tells you, you truly think it’s good or toss it. I haven’t formed my personal opinion on homosexuality as a whole, I don’t really want to. I have all kinds of ideas about the subject and selecting one formal ‘yes or no’ just doesn’t cut it for me.

Today I’m talking about one thing, kindness.

For years after my fake boyfriend came out I began to wonder if something was wrong with me. I have had several people either tell me they were gay or I found out …after being lied to for a long period of time. The whole world knew about a close friend of mine being gay but he wouldn’t ell me and I was so hurt when I found out. I accepted him as he was no matter what and yet he hid so much of his life from and being gay was the snow on the iceberg.

Part of me just had to step back at that point because at that same time I found quite a few of my friends were hiding secrets, big ones and lying directly to me.

I am a person who says, ‘live and let lice as long as you are not hurting others or yourself.’ If you want to commit suicide or murder, not okay. If you want to have sex to get back at your parents, not okay. If you want to experiment with all kinds of things in life and live all kinds of crazy, move to Antarctica, have the American dream, throw it away and have your own, make new friends, have tons of consensual sex, okay. I may not want explicit details about any of it, however, I wouldn’t share my own either.

If a person isn’t ready to be, talk about, explore, etc. any of what they are feeling, okay. We will have a phrase to say that there is more to the story but I need to let it go. No questions asked.

The point for me is …why hide something so big from a friend? I don’t have ‘gay-dar’. I have ‘yeah, they told me they were gay intelligence’. I don’t magically know if you have a personal problem or if you are an illegal immigrant. You have to tell me. If you were once a druggie, were raped, had a baby, had an abortion, were a gangster, I DON”T KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL ME.

Not everyone who ‘seems’ gay or like a gangster or a particular political party or anything out there, is. We choose who we want to be. Some people thought I was gay for years but talked among themselves about it. It was brought up later to me and I was astounded, why didn’t they just ask? They thought that since I had never had a real boyfriend and some other stuff I still don’t know about that I was gay. I felt betrayed; you gossip about me behind my back and make assumptions, ostracizing me for other reasons I had no control over nor was I a part of and I’m supposed to…what? Want to be in relationship with you? Act like it’s nothing? They were supposed to be family but they didn’t act anything like family.

As an adult I fight for forgiveness and kindness to myself and others. I was shocked to have a crush be gay and say he was interested in dating. I was hurt over friends keeping secrets. I felt betrayed over family who was distant and cold over hidden and made up secrets.

If I could talk to the people from my past I would yell so much at them. “I love you!! Why can’t you see that??! I still and will always love you because this is who I am. Even if I can’t be in relationship with you because of my own issues or we are countries away from one another, I LOVE YOU! I love all for you, not just the parts you want me to see. Maybe I couldn’t say this then , because I didn’t have the right words, but it will always be the truth.”

For those in my present I would say “I am still working on myself and so I can’t always be there for you when you need me but know that I am getting stronger every day so that I can be there for you they way I want to be. I love you, you are my people.”

For those who are in my future I would ask one thing, “Please, be kind to our relationship and us individually. We may not be forever but we don’t have to be fake in the process. You are who I want to see and know.”

Bye Casey Neistat vlog

My favorite youtuber is stopping his daily vlog.

He has been doing it for over a year and he did it for the express purpose of getting his creative juices flowing, having the challenge a daily thing provides and a few more things that can be heard in the video.

It’s a bit why I started my own blog. I wanted the challenge, I wanted to have a daily connection to life but I also wanted to get ‘better’ at writing. In my terms this meant actually writing. It is so easy for me to be overcome by writing, I get this feeling of not being good enough or really that it is a waste of space. In a way it has been me thinking that I, personally, am a waste of space, and I don’t need to think this way any more.

It is sad that he is stopping but it also brings to mind this concept that I will get to the end of this year, with time to spare, maybe.

I’m not working uber hard on this, but I am putting in myself which is a challenge for me all on it’s own. I need low stress on this because I am putting things that are so hard to talk about in real life. I am glad to have space where I can talk about the things that are important to me in this way ‘I can contribute a verse.”

What’s your coffee/tea strength?

How much can you handle in life before you get bitter?

Can you steep for 6 months in a job you hate with low pay, peers who bully and no managerial support? What about a year? 10 ?

How long can you stand living a high paced life with little downtime, no weekends, long hours and constant challenges before you break or simply become unhappy about your job?

When I was a kid I was given a ton of responsibility, nothing abusive so I thought it was fine, I didn’t really have friends I could trust, my family’s words mostly carried barbs or manipulation, I spent very little time just playing around and doing the kid/teenager thing. When I left high school I was A MESS. I had reached my personal limit but I left the tea bag in and worked past that point.

I was SOO good at anything I did, want me to be a waiter, hostess, prep cook, accountant, singer, dancer, daughter, listener, preacher, give me a job and I would make a homerun almost 90% of the time. Yet, I was sooo unhappy. Who cared if I was good at anything if there was no love or enjoyment in what I did. So easily I see 1 Corinthians 13, how good I can be and without love I am nothing.

With more time on my hands I find that my tea strength is very low. Just a little too long in emotional raging waters and I lose sight of the shore easily. My balance is askew and everything can feel all wrong and I want to include my emotions now and just stuff ’em down!

I have been living in so many tomorrows and now sitting here in the present I see a fuller scope of myself. I see the woman who is happy seeing movies with her padre, who is growing away from her old addiction of entertainment and is becoming more balanced, I see a woman who falls but not quite as far. I see a woman who can help a friend in one moment and need that same friends help moments later, who is a leader and a follower at the same time, who sees the moment she is in and sees when she is about to go to far, be in pain or anything and everything else because she is here.