‘Me before you’ vs ‘Guzaarish’

Me Before You Poster

So these are two films that came out that are about a quadriplegic man who had a great career and life until he has an accident and the relationship he has with his caretaker afterward. 2016 versus 2010 isn’t a bad distance to have between movies. ‘Me before you’ is very much a romantic comedy and ‘Guzaarish’ is a melodrama.

There are 3 main differences with these movies that made me like ‘Me before you’ more even though I usually go for the Bollywood.

Guzaarish Poster
1. The main guy character is a straight up bitter jerk in ‘Guzaarish’ and this is Hrithik Roshan! The awesomeness that I love! Yet, I never really sympathize with him. He was a blatant egotistical narcissist before the accident and after he is a woeful guy who is trying to get the government to let him commit suicide. In ‘Me before you’ he is a jerk for a second but that is just armor so he doesn’t get hurt. He was a good guy and businessman before the accident, that doesn’t change. Having that balance of a good guy in a hard situation made more feeling sense then a selfish guy who is still a selfish guy.  They show both their hardships but I feel like The English film made it seem more horrifying than the other.

2. The romance is odd in both. There is no real clue in either if what you are seeing is love forming or simply a normal bond of caretaker and patient over time. The difference is that In ‘Me before you’ she is actively fighting to save him from suicide and in ‘Guzaarish’ she isn’t helping but neither is she not helping. It is odd to see both of them fight through their feelings of wanting to help him and wanting to love him.

3. The fact that they keep it so light in ‘Me before you’, it is hard to think that he may actually die at the end of the movie. It is why I decided to see the movie instead of the book just in case he dies. In ‘Guzaarish’ it is so dark, it is hard to not assume that he will die and thus I tried not to get attached. Also a lot of time is spent in the courtroom with the Bolly and the focus is less on their relationship because of it.

This is not a ‘logic’ movie, it is very feelings based, so even though it is basically the same movie, the feelings may make you like one versus the other though. That is th lovely thing about feelings for me, they can be very illogical and yet they are what make us fall for the wrong guy, save a family member at the price of our own life, play all day and night and rush to finish some homework and hour before deadline. Emotions are the spices that make this life so wonderfully unique.

This is one of the most enjoyable part of Guzaarish. The caretaker is serious the entire time and then let’s loose in some of the most random ways.

 

 

Super late:so fun

I just love this so much, geeky stuff!

I didn’t like the president as a politician but I find more and more that I like him as a person. We don’t agree on politics, but that doesn’t bother me when I find out he’s really funny. Same for everyone else. We don’t have to agree just be cool together!

Recently I got a …thing.

I was talking to mi madre who will randomly bust out with a ‘word from God’. Super heavy, really random, mostly on point. (Something’s are a future I haven’t gotten to yet so…’mostly’.)

She began by saying that I need to stop letting people push me against a wall and force me to do things their way. Then she added that I am just where I need to be and in flush with the Beloved and where they want me to be.

One of the few times that she has done this was when I went to college and told me that I was just where God had me. Mi padre was later in the same camp.

I knew before anyone told me that I was where I needed to be and it was more like one scientist doing an experiment and finding the same findings of another and thus backing up the first. I didn’t need a parent or anyone else telling me I was where I needed to be.

And yet, I cannot help but see the goodness and kindness of having support in this way.

Still….I am left with feelings.

On my journey, I have had to wrestle for all of me. What I think, believe, the way I do things and for someone to tell me, even one I hold in high esteem, that I am right, I would have liked to have had it much, much sooner.

Parents aren’t meant to be cheerleaders so I do not hold this against her or anyone, really…I simply hoped that my years of doing the right things would be a letter of writ unto itself.

I don’t need a lot of things but the one thing I desire most is having the confidence of my loved ones. To have them say that they trust me no matter what I do, where I go or what goes on.

I am aware that I watch a lot of shows that talk about murder, like Sherlock but those are my desires to solve puzzles and play detective coming out, not my desire to kill a person and know how to get away with it. I know I talk about wishing to have tons of men around to flirt with and date and have fun with, but truth is that when I am around men, I found out pretty quickly they aren’t the one and get VERY bored, vastly quickly. I am also quite attentive to the Holy Spirit when he says I need to avoid a particular way of walking and end up NOT being mugged or anything of the kind.

I am not only secure in God, good at what I do but also have a history of doing well in most situations. My people know this, friend and family alike.

So, why do they not have confidence in me?

To say that they do not have confidence in themselves may be at the root cause but…right now I don’t care about root causes. I care about the fact that it seems that I and God are the only ones who believe in me and my abilities and it hurts. I have spent so long being good enough for every body and to find that they are actually becoming convinced… it should feel like an accomplishment, right?

So why does it feel like an annoyance? Have my feelings been hurt so badly and I am only just now paying attention?

As more and more begin to see…I will need to have a plan in place with God because right now, I have only negative feelings and I don’t want those long term. This is not happiness or satisfaction, it’s just me seething at broken people who are just as broken as I am. It’s hard to stay angry at them logically even if I feel that way….

Adjustments

I have a ‘passport’ that holds a lot of the things that I hope to do like writing a book and eating chapuline tacos. I looked at it again this week and found something interesting. I had written that I wanted to continue my year long blog. I was astounded since I had written this over 2 years ago and was happy to see that I was on the right path without even thinking about it.

I pulled out the packet of ideas that had titles of the things I wanted to talk discuss. There are so many things I believe in and I want to say them now. I have been silent since I had neither the inclination, energy or fight to battle through all my old programming to do it.

Since I found it though I will be adding them to THIs blog. I will be looking at ideas and talking about the set mindset within cultures, religion, the world at large and then my own personal feelings…or maybe I will just have my own, we all know what everyone else thinks. It is true that I write here so that one day someone who walks my same road can see what I did to grow but this is still for my own mental/emotional health and growth.

The point is I want to begin to formulate my own ideals into words.

I’m kind of …not at ease. Before when I have spoken my true opinions that have been shamed, pushed or questioned out of me.

I can be a rock in some areas but if you ask me my personal stand on things like rape or abortion or depression, I will tell you how everyone else feels about it. As if I am trying to give the person options, which, there is a time for doing that.

But I don’t know MY thoughts. I know they are not like other people’s…but I don’t really know my own in terms of words, only feelings.

I look forward to the journey, but I wish to keep it to myself for awhile from those I know. Maybe one day I will print this year into a book and give it my friends and family, but by then I will be a lot stronger and when they see it, I know I won’t have a ‘Peyton Place’ on my hands.

P.S. Don’t see that movie if you haven’t, it is just a horrible plot, those people were NOT good people. Like ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’? Really abhor that story!

Gidget

Ever seen this series?

It’s a few movies and a TV show about a girl who takes up surfing in the 50s in a male dominated culture. Where girls were meant to only be bikini clad, soaking the sun, make-out partners, Gidget stood out as being the girl that hung tough with the boys.

Girl+ midget= Gidget.

Sandra Dee played her best in my opinion, however, the iconic character is actually her paramour interest, Moondoggy. He is played by the same actor for most of the movies, James Darren, and is the one who teaches her to surf, along with a gang of other guys.

Gidget is the typical good girl next door but the difference is that she wants to enjoy things the normal girls don’t care about. She’s not really considered sexy but she has her charm. Tomboy would be the way she’s best described.

As a whole I have seen it too much to enjoy it anymore, but still I like her. She was different in the age when women were beginning to see that they didn’t want to just be whatever a man wanted her to be. She wanted to explore her own interests and enjoy the guy. ‘Hidden Figures’ is another movie coming out soon about the 50’s and women who are looking to be more. ‘Good Girls Revolt’ is a show that has the same themes.

This past week a group of us studied Mary and Martha.

We looked at not only the tension between the two of them but also the pull of culture to be something that God doesn’t want and then try to justify it with scripture or cultural religion.

I didn’t really comment at the time about how this affects me on a personal scale because at the time I felt I had spoken too much already and I didn’t know if it was a place I wanted to speak. There is a time to be acknowledged and a time to have a dialogue and at the time I wanted a back and forth and not simply…an ‘awww, that sucks.’

I think about the big things we don’t talk about like how I have learned defensive positions not because of the zombie apocalypse but because I am afraid a man might try to rape or kill me because I didn’t give him what he wanted. We don’t talk about the medium issues of having to wear certain clothes in church because we may tempt a man, women are expected to simply not have these feelings at all. The issues of dating within the church as a male or a female, who I am told to change into in order to better serve my husband but rarely talking about how a man is to love his wife except on mother’s day. (I caveat this with the fact that we just talked about this at church on Sunday and it was actually very good in my opinion but it isn’t the norm compared to how much it has been pushed for young women versus men.) There is so much we don’t talk about on a large scale level that why would I want to talk about it on a smaller group level? I wanted to ask, ‘what is the point?’ but I knew my group is actively looking for ways to improve each other’s lives.

As a woman there are so many things that are, in all sizes, not the ‘kingdom of God’ way. Just as there are all kinds of things that are just not right in the world from the big of murder to the small of annoying traffic. I find that though I do not want these in my life there are parts of me that grow bitter as time goes by because the world is not quite right compared to the world I wish I had.

I’m not Gidget. I’m a woman who is often considered pictured like Gidget, but that doesn’t make me her any more than my ability to bake makes me Betty Crocker.

Yet her ideals of living the life she wants and fighting through all the adversity so she can do what she wants? I get that.

I have always loved God and fought for the relationship I knew I could have with him. Yet, there was always someone in my life who said it wasn’t possible. They wanted a balance in my life of religion, drudgery and ore that was simply not okay with me. So like Ender Wiggin, I took that egg of life and hid it away and travelled through time and space until I found a safe place for this life to be planted.

As this relationship with God grows and I find greater and greater satisfaction in him I find him gently leading me to windows to look out at the world, doors to rooms that have been locked for a long time.

Seeing my own mind though is what I am looking for now. What is my surfboard moment?

Heart dumping

So, strange title for me, I know…

I have so many things that weigh heavily on my mind, like not dying, other people dying and how I could get a working TARDIS. Some of course are less important or logical than others.

There are also things that weight heavily on my soul, as an HSP the feelings of others are like a bunch of cookies on a computer that often need to be wiped clean. Often I need a break or someone to talk to and writing is a great part of this process.

The third is a bit trickier and please go with me as I’m still figuring it out. My heart is a thing that I have no real concept of what it is. My mind is logic, my soul is feelings and my heart is neither of these but connected. And somehow just like all those other pieces I have to …keep it updated?

On top of maintenance I have to make sure it is cleaned and that I dump out junk everyone once in awhile. I’m not even sure what I am dumping but I do. Things that are core issues to me and things I have buried so my feelings don’t move and my mind doesn’t spiral. Simile:

  • My heart is like the food to my feelings which are like the cooking process to my mind which actually does the practical work.

That in no way explains what the ham-sandwich this is that I’m dealing with though. I don’t want a blasted picture of what is going on inside of me, I want words and diagrams and all sorts of things.

Waiting is so ridiculous. I had to wait so long until I found that HSP book and it changes everything for my soul. Just as the doctor’s TARDIS changed everything for how I view myself, God and people. Finding out about all of me is taking too long in my opinion.

I bring this up because I have found that I need to have full out stories in my head to get things out. It is my only coping mechanism. Make up a story that has all my issues, hidden desires and angst with people who don’t live my life and find answers. The Beloved is helping which makes it possible.

Thing is I have been pushing this down because of how insane it is o other people. Being an HSP is bad enough but to have conversations in my head sounds bad even if I say I have stories that play out in my head in order to solve the puzzles in my life. Wait…that actually sounded good to me.

Thing is that there are so many things that I hold back on because I perceive them to be in some way wrong, because the actually insane people or mentally unstable people exhibit these same traits/things. When you have something done in the wrong way it can have horrific casualties. Nazi doctors took living people and experimented on them which left us a pile of information that pushed science but tortured so many people. People in the middle ages experimented on dead people but were imprisoned, tortured and killed for it, but again left information that pushed medicine forward. Knowing the difference between them helps us from being stupid and you know, torturing people in the name of ‘science’.

My feelings are simply mixed. This journey of discovering who I am is great but as happy as I am I am not satisfied. I don’t date, work at a job I love, have a full closet of clothes that don’t have holes in them unless on purpose, I don’t have a full family that supports and hears me. I’m not who I want to be yet, I’m just happy now, which, is sure a major step up…however, I want to be satisfied too.

I only just stepped into this idea but after having a fantastic day with a friend where we did so many of my favorite things, then sleeping in and wonderful God talk, Disneyland and a planned day for binge watching a show, my supposed list for epic happiness …and all I felt was a low wahoo?

Talking to God I melted into a puddle of tears and told him that there’s something majorly missing and I don’t know what it is…he began to tell me that there is a difference between being happy and satisfied. I can have one and not really have the other so the next step that he wants to heal me in is satisfaction. Which goes so hand in hand with all the bitterness that I am finally acknowledging.

Who knew those two were not one in the same…then again sex is not love, food doesn’t equal fulfillment and having peace doesn’t mean there isn’t a war going on.

I wonder how many Christians are satisfied with God life or themselves?

I’m not one to say do whatever you want because I think that if you are not rooted in God that can mean dire consequences for yourself or the rest of us. However, for those who are rooted in God…and I do mean the Christian God and I also mean not the religious one that blasts people out of their nike’s for you know…everything or whims. For those who are I think that we need to change the Christians deal with God and themselves.

What if there was a world where Christians were looked on with respect and not the feared Muslim kind but the real kind? What if people actually believed that love was a real thing and his kids name was Jesus? What if a person, male of female came in naked to any church in America crying because he or she was raped and beaten and the entire church rallied around him or her, providing clothes, police calls, a bunch of big people to guard him or her and another group to pray and sit with the person until the cops showed up and the person came to the church because they knew there would be help? What if instead of forced Christian love we had actual spine-tingling, inward/ outward healing and love that made even Christians sit back and say ‘Heaven, yeah.’ because there was no thought to hell any more?

This is what my heart wants in its core, it is life, hope, future, they are all things that are not really quantified in this world as having any reality to them. It is easier to say that I am angry that something has not happened. It is harder to say that my DNA is calling for something that does not, at present, exist. It is the thing that gives my emotions strength and later my actions.

Yet these dreams, this life inside, as much as I hope for it, they are not things I had thought possible because God had not shown to me that he was any more than a legend of days past; a possibility but not a high probability. It was only after 3 1/2 years of him pouring his love and care into me that I even let any of these dreams come to the surface. I had only three things I held onto and two of those happened because of him so…it helped me open up to him more. However, 2 years ago a prophet asked me a question from God, what do you want? He had already asked me this personally so I took no mind for a half a second. Then the prophet began to say that God knows that I asked for simple things but that he wants me to ask all the things.

This year that same prophet asked me more or less the same question.

The things I just wrote above are my big things. They are things that I don’t talk about because there is no other way to protect them. People are…people and I protect my dreams from them because of the destruction that has been from young/old, stranger/friend, close/far.

I don’t want to tell God about them because I had no evidence that he would in anyway move on them in my lifetime. See the thing is, I am well aware of time and its passing and possibilities, what I do not want to accept is this concept that things happen only after you dead. I do not want to be Van Gogh or Jane Austin living a life of obscurity and/or mockery until their death in which time they are lauded and appreciated the world over for years to come. I don’t want to be this person. I want to make a ripple so big that before I am 50 it is like there is a brand new and good world. One that is worth living in, in the same way that whoever made toilets with plumbing changed our world for the oh so better. It took several ideas and people to get all those ideas together as well as governments to make laws so they were good and not breaking every other day and all kinds of things.

To accomplish my dreams, finding a team would be an important step but definitely not the only one.

 

 

 

 

Doing things for love

  1. Not watching my favorite show so that we can watch it together later so you can sleep.
  2. Doing the dishes till I’m tired so you will have less to do.
  3. Waking up early so I can help you at work and working with less than 5 hours sleep.
  4. Learning about psychology so that I can better assess the world and be better for you.
  5. Learning certain games so we can play together.
  6. Learning to like something in order that we can have things to talk about.
  7. Shutting myself down so that you stand whole.
  8. Cutting off my introversion needs because you need someone to be on.
  9. Silencing myself so that we don’t have a fight and we hurt each other.
  10. Meeting you at the door everyday so you have someone to come home to.

What is your good/bad list of things you do for love?

This is of course not the whole list and I haven’t gone that deep because I am not ready to do so.

Sometimes, just like a gratitude list we need to remember that we are loving people and putting in the effort. The counterweight is also that we need to remember that sometimes we do too much. There is a saying that when the days ad up that I have been living so many days hating my life than it is time for a change.

This past Sunday I didn’t go to church because I was wiped out tired. In the past, missing church was the same as cursing out my mother. As I became an adult missing church was bad because the people I knew would shame me for it in subtle ways. No in the bad way but in the missing an important family dinner kind of way, which can be just as pressurized. I asked myself a question that morning, Am I going to be there for community today or myself? I could talk to God at home, and truly I wanted some individual time with him, so I stayed…after asking his okay. 🙂 He can be so kind when I am sleepy. Holy Spirit is called the comforter and truly he is but I feel like it doesn’t really fully encompass how great he is.

  1. He’s the God who makes sure I take pain medicine and on time instead of just letting myself ache.
  2. He tells me to stay home when I’m tired and then says it over and over when I ask him if he is sure.
  3. He’s the God who pushes me to talk to him until I am so fuming mad at being pushed I spill over and curse and say terrible things and break down in tears because I was holding so much inside and had no idea I was holding something.
  4. He’s the God who has helped me to see that my feelings, wishes and hopes are valid and I need to start moving on them.
  5. He’s the God who doesn’t take my first no but waits for me to tell him the truth.
  6. He’s the God who loves me so much even as I do all manner of things so that I turn out to be nothing like him fail, fail and then helps me repair my life and heart from what I did.
  7. He’s the God who makes silly, strange, movie-related jokes until I smile.
  8. He’s the God who yells at me at 3 am that he loves me and hates seeing me hurt myself for other people’s sake.
  9. He’s the God who makes me happy even when everyone tells me I need to be messed up.
  10. He’s the God who sees me, knows me and pushes to see that and not just the mask I hand everybody.

This list is the list I have been focusing on more and more. I used to only focus on what I was doing for other people and it made me very bitter, like a tea steeped too long but now by allowing god to love me and letting him I see more of what he does for love. It may not be what other people think of when they say anything about love but for me this is my Happily Ever After, my king charming, my best friend. We’re not always good, obliviously and that makes it better for me. I didn’t want to have a God who was just that, perfect and holy. Meaning untouchable for my dirty self. I wanted the Jesus who hung out as one of the guys, chillin on the floor eatin corn straight from field, not judging based on gender, nationality, speech, coloring, disease or anything else we all hate on each other for.

I have that and he is showing more so I don’t feel like, that’s it? He’s making it so that I know that one day all the crap I dealt with from people or the enemy or even myself will weigh less than his love.

Not being there yet, doesn’t make it any less visible for me.

Being poured into is nice.

Off Facebook…for health reasons

Disneyland was great, I was pleased to celebrate with a friend and on her VERY FIRST visit to Disneyland. She lives in so-cal! Not ok to me!

Afterward, I went on Facebook to post our pictures. Her camera wasn’t working so half of them were ones she wanted to take but mine was faster. I was happy with her reactions to them.

There was some backlash though.

I had gone off Facebook because seeing all of the hectic racist back and forth was turning into physical ailments. I said I would go on twice a week in October. I went a bit earlier because I wanted my friend to have her photos.

Within 1 hour the pain in my stomach returned. I had this overwhelming feeling to cry that was only being held down by my usual training and I was slowly becoming a mess. I made sure that the photos were on and nothing else needed my attention and deleted the app.

The pain almost immediately went down. I still had to take pain medicine but the worst was gone.

Taking all my stress away is impossible, but cutting down is important for me.

There is this picture online of a wolf with a small wolf and arrows sticking out of both of them. The baby wolf looks dead and the adult wolf looks like he simply was in a battle but will be fine.

I saw that and thought of a friend…but really I see myself. In some ways/categories I am a  fierce wolf. In others I am more like this child wolf stabbed and gasping for life. People are very hard because of life and so they don’t ask questions they just assume that natural selection is the rule of thumb and those who are not helping are dead weight and should be handled accordingly. They don’t ask why.

Also do you know what the rule of thumb was? It was the concept that a man could beat his wife as long as the stick wasn’t thicker than his thumb.

Everyone assumes I’m inwardly strong and they don’t ask the question of why, what’s going on and I want them to. I want to be asked why I’m off Facebook instead of just applauded for it. I want to be asked why I don’t have a boyfriend, why I’m not in school or a superhero even though everyone thinks I’m capable it seems.

I know it isn’t but my reasons don’t seem to matter. People are waiting for me talk, I know that, but for some people it isn’t about just talking. It is about having an environment, a space, an atmosphere to talk.

We do it with God, you know? We have to have music and silence, dancing and food and all kinds of things to have church which is really just talking to God, making a FLIPPING SPACE FOR HIM!

However, I think people are pretty bad at that too so what are we to do. Why sing to your God about his brilliance and just talk about how bad you are if it weren’t for his overeager vastness? Why not sing to your dad about how cool he is and geek out about his job? Why not dance with your bro and play around? So many See only GOD and don’t see an entity that wants to love us and be loved. In my dealings it is only the disturbed who want you to grovel and kiss their feet and call it love.

It feels like I will have to make my own flipping space even in this. Good Lord! This is why I didn’t want to start on this path, so much work as a ‘first’ explorer and there are so many downsides the only enjoyment you can have is that it is going to benefit you as a person.

Either way, I think I’m off Facebook for life now, but I will give myself until the end of the year with the same twice a month thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ultimate Otaku Teacher

Denpa cover.jpgOtaku: a young person who is obsessed with [—-] or particular aspects of popular culture to the detriment of their social skills.

So this is the oxford dictionary answer to what an otaku is. Most people would say that the obsession can be so many things so that is why I left it blank. This manga posits that an otaku is anyone who truly enjoys something. Got a person who enjoys soccer and it is all they do and talk about? Otaku. Person who loves make-up, buys a lot of it and is all they talk about? Otaku.

This story, written by Takeshi Azuma, is about an anime otaku who has an abusive sister who forces him to go to work as a teacher. He was once heralded in the science world for trying to build the impossible but left after a so-called failure. Added he suffers from AWD or YD (depending on the translation):

“Only lets him do what he yearns to do.”

This particular story is a lot like ‘Assassination Classroom’ and is quite wonderful and ecchi if that bothers you, also cursing. This doesn’t bother me however I am aware that many people find both offensive. I also find this odd considering how much a person sees in a day that is offensive and I have simply built a thick skin for.

The main character, Kagami finds that he is able to take people with lowered potential and bring them out of their shell with a mix of his skills and YD. The only reason he helps these kids is because they are in some way related to his animes. He later goes to a different school and the chairman is able to twist him either by moving an interesting student into his path or simply bribing him with something. He makes up names for everyone so honestly I have no idea who anyone’s name is. I like that he calls the chairwoman ‘options’ and they are probably my ship. 🙂

What is most intriguing about this story for me is

  1. His YD.
  2. His ability to change the world around him
  3. His ability to enjoy life and forcing others through strategy to do the same.

This third is truly what I want to do in the future the problem is that I am not the best at actually going through with my strategies and having them come to a conclusion. Sure, I can run a social experiment on someone that can spit out data but to help better their lives through strategy?

It is really my ultimate desire. Accomplishing it would require…

  1. A team of like minded individuals with a mix of abilities.
  2. A central location.
  3. More defined learning for me.
  4. The ability to pass this information on as well as an assessment to say if a person should be doing it.
  5. Extras I haven’t thought of or just don’t want to say.

Sounds like ‘Scorpion’ doesn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secret identity

You ever have a secret? Like not a batman/Bruce Wayne kind of secret but a tingly awesome secret that is about you and good?

Here’s mine:

I am a 20 something virgin who is looking for a fun lover and not a all-about-him-sex moment, and THIS is why I am waiting.

So many people have assumed who I am and why and I just want to say my own reasons.

I like being able to say who I am and why it reminds me sure but it also is my life. A part of my identity, what makes me happy and joyful. More than that this is my path, I am not doing this because of some hyped up, Jesus promise ring thing, or because …you know …hell…or because it will ‘honor’ some future husband. I’m doing this because I want something good in my life with someone else.

A friend of mine talked about giving away her first time out of spite; her words not mine. Hearing her say that and the mixture of pain left me in pain for her. What do I even say to that? Her thoughts really weren’t mine, she said it to show me that my choices were good but all I could think is, my friend is super hurting and she won’t let me care for her. Instead she’s using her pain to teach/uplift me and I really didn’t want that. I wanted to help her. Her pain was legitimate and she was glossing over it in a way that wasn’t glossing but wasn’t healing either…

The next time we talk….I think I’m gonna bring this up…it may be late but, allowing her to walk over her own feeling isn’t okay for me.

This got way off topic but I sometimes need to talk through my circumstances.

The thing about secret identities is they are great but like less then 5 people on the planet are really going to know about it and most of the time it is because those people happened upon them. Someone figures out who you are and you can confirm or deny but they will most likely hound you till you tell them.

It really doesn’t matter that only 5 people know about an identity…..but it really does. There is a part of ourselves that has to let the mountaintops know who we are. It doesn’t matter if the whole world knows, I don’t know the whole world and there are villains so them knowing is really awful. Yet, someone should know, right?

One of the harder things in my life is being this saint at my church. I have actually been told this and they call themselves what I can only express as sinner. (I’d rather not put the real version, just pisses me off.) They have no idea that the reasons I do what I do are the same as them, I was just bullied into doing it as a kid and found better reasons as a teen and even better reasons as an adult.

This doesn’t make me a saint like they are thinking. It makes me a person who started in a massively strict place as a kid and made it work for herself. We all start somewhere. Some of us have their parents die and go wonky, others have their kids die and go wonky (looking at you Martha Wayne) and some of us just have a not so great childhood and are just a few bars under wonky but are very close.

I want to be a person who appreciates the hidden and the secrets of her life but right now I just want them to be noticed. I want to be acknowledged as being awesome and wonderful without that sneer, jealousy or bitterness I see on so many of my peers faces. Most of the time that meant working hard and showing off but that has just made me unhappy and feel fake because it was never what I wanted to be doing, it was what was necessary but not what I wanted.

Now, I’m trying to figure out what that looks like. I’m not telling anyone I know but in my heart I am looking for the place I fit outside of my home. Work wise, place of rest wise, church wise, and hobby wise. I feel uncomfortable honestly like my shoulders are always tense but I also feel this sense of relief that I’M finally looking for my own path and not letting a path be foisted upon me.

I don’t care what Alfred Pennyworth thinks, yes sometimes we are foisted upon but we have to find our own path or go insane with the pressure of a life chosen for us.