My family has been forced into A DAY OF CLEANING! (Imagine this with a heroic sound please^^) By me actually. We need to take stock and find out what we need for the new year. Like new remotes or jeans or carpet. On the other side we need to get rid of a few things. Both parents got startled and started cleaning beforehand. It feels good to know that I can manipulate them in such a way.
I may not be able to lie to them, but I can get them to clean! Maniacal laughter ensues!
Last week was super long for me so it is nice to be spending a few days in the house instead of running around shopping or entertaining. My introverted HSP self needs downtime! Even if it is to clean.
A lot of people are looking at the year in review and my year wasn’t that great. There was lot of growing pangs and lessons to be learned; tears and healing; pain and learning about myself. It was a lot of work this year. I don’t want to go through this again. Not ever.
On one side I made a great friend and I find that my ministry with people is sooo much better and helpful. God also is like my partner now instead of this God that I am slaving behind.
On the other side…I didn’t get a lot of what I thought I would this year. I found out that I have even more inward work to do and that leaning on God is going to be a full time gig and not just a seasonal thing. Talking about my feeling is also a lifetime thing and I can’t ignore them at all.
The really hard parts were finding out who I really am and what I want and need in life.
It won’t be easy on other people to accept. I am strong now and I know how to lean into God but I still do not relish having to stand my ground about who I am and what I believe with people that I love and others who can’t really be taken out of my life. I did this fight before when I was little and had no help. As an adult, I have to remember I am an adult and not that little kid any more.
I wish I could be the type that thought that a job and kids and the usual stuff is important. I wish that I could talk to my friends about the ins and outs of marriage and buying things for the house and dealing with the baby at night.
But I’m not.
I’m the type who will be talking about Doctor who and Sherlock when I’m 40, 50 and 60. (Hopefully there will be more BBC Sherlock by those points 😉 I’m the one who even when I get a man will not be talking about how strange he is but how sexy he is and look at that butt in those jeans! I’m the type who even when I have kids won’t be talking about what the kids are doing, I want to talk about God and fun stuff!
I WILL ALWAYS WANT TO TALK ABOUT GOD!!!!
Even when I get a job it won’t be the first thing I talk about with those I care about. If I talk to you about work…we may not be that close and I’m just looking for something to talk about. Unless it is good news in which case, yeah let’s talk about how God has blessed me and celebrate him!
I find that this year has been more about purging my heart than anything else and it hurt more than I can say and I don’t want to review that. Yes, I am stronger, but it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me want to take a break and sleep. Most of who I was when I left college is mostly gone. I’m becoming who I really am and it’s the same feeling as when I was going up in the airplane to skydive. I was ready to go until we got in the air and then my fight or flight instinct kicked in and I needed to get off that plane but the only way was either being embarrassed going down in the airplane or jumping.
I’m not even sure if I have another option than jumping right now…. I trust my pack and my instructors and to this day I have no idea of what I was afraid of in that airplane but that adrenaline rush I felt then to not jump is here right now. Whether I’m in the airplane getting ready to jump or if I’m about to get on the plane…I don’t know. What I do know is that this journey will have new direction when I land.
4 years of training with God. I had 6-8 hours of training for skydiving.
Then I jumped and I became an adult to mi padre.
When I jump this time…will I be an adult to God?
Skydiving didn’t change my life, it was my father’s rite of passage for me and it was fantastic; I will never forget it.
But it was for him. Him telling me that to him I am adult now. Yes it made me stronger but I was changed over getting to shoot at a target for he first time, THAT was for me.
I always thought these 4 years would be for me and it feels like it was just God acting like mi padre telling me I’m an adult now.
What happens after this is up to me… (yes that is a Matrix reference.)