Maybe you are actually something special. – http://wp.me/p2xQjt-aJ

I have always felt…the way this author talks about. Most days I wouldn’t identity as a fraud, but I would say that I’m not the best person in the world. I have other, harsher criticisms for myself that are more personally break-worthy. 

Over the past few years I bring these to God and he has shown me how wrong I was about myself. How wrong other people were about me and even themselves. Later I broufht thsee to my trusted inner circle and they too began to say how wrong my past ideas were. One friend cried at my pain, and the other straight up apologized, saying that if she had known what I was going through she would have something years ago. 

This…season…I have been looking at what it is to be…fully me. I didn’t know who that was and once I found out I wasn’t okay with it. Not possible. People aren’t that nice and neither am i. How would I even exist if that wereally the truth. I refuse to embrace this. 

But I’m a sucker when it comes to God and I quickly relented to this new way of thinking and began to look at ways to build healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms as I learned more and more.

Then…this week. I asked God about partners and where mine was…he didn’t answer till the next day. The idea? All those things that I hadn’t wanted to accept about myself I would need to share with this partner of mine. I hadn’t even considered it. (More on the morrow)

Sharing this part of me with people? The parts of me that go beyond simple introvert vs extrovert but go deeper? I blatantly said no and walked away…but what if I’m not a fraud? What if there’s more that a relationship could include than simply liking similar things, sharing the same bed and eating at the same table?

Stories vs reality

I like daydreaming, making up stories in my head, it is fun and enjoyable. What isn’t fun is putting those thoughts and feelings into words. The nuances of a feeling can be vastly lost within a page of writing. It is easier in many ways to simply keep these things in my own mind.

A friend encouraged me, though, in saying that letting out our feelings is healthy.

This week I went to the doctor and it wasn’t fabulous news. I’m not dying, but it wasn’t what I want to hear. More of a wait and let it hope for the best kind of deal as well as a few…logistical changes. He was right, I felt it the minute I even slightly adjusted, but it means changing my lifestyle a bit. When I told mi padre…he asked how it happened when I explained and included a bit about the fact that some of it is because of other people and how I am around them, he went off. Within 24 hours mi madre said almost the EXACT same thing:

“Do not let other people’s issues crush you”

Separate conversations about 2 different thing and yet they said it almost exactly. Mi madre even added: Make protecting yourself a priority, because that is what everyone else is doing.

Does that sound Christian to you? It wasn’t based on MY training and yet, if I ask mi madre and another friend I am sure that they will have a ton of biblical references.

This isn’t about crushing the other person before they crush you. nor is this about not walking in love. It is about changing the focus from ‘trying not to hurt people’s feelings’ to ‘making my protection my priority’.

I’m trying not to be negative about this, but it sure sucks. HSP life entails me having to come up with a ton of coping mechanisms in order for this to work. For example, I usually have a straw that I keep, even have a box to make it look cute, that I keep in order to ‘smoke’. It is just breathing the a tube to help me focus my breathing, but I never take it outside the house.

Reason? There is this scripture in the bible about walking pure so as to not make someone else stumble. This world is so full of all kinds that you could make someone stumble simply by being tired and looking at them in a way that SEEMS rude, but is just you being sleepy. Suddenly they are up in arms about NOTHING and I find myself putting out the dumbest fires. ALL. THE. TIME.

So I don’t use my straws because being seen as less in other people’s eyes as an HSP….means FEELING less in your own eyes. It is ture I don’t want to put out that fire, nor do I want to be told to stop because there are kids. Nor do I want to be told to stop acting like a kid. These are all valid, but what is worse? Is having to FEEL like I am scum.

Having to feel like I am ugly because the other person is jealous and wishes that I were. Having to FEEL so many negative things about myself simply because the person in front of me has so many issues and take it out on me.

Which seems like an even better reason to start making protecting myself the priority….I just…I had this hope that people could be so much better than they act. I see so much goodness in people and they don’t allow themselves to be that person. They are stuck in past hurts from other people and they don’t allow the light of God to shine in their own fantastic way. And it really sucks that I have to protect myself from those that I so dearly want to call family.

Late

Some days I feel very on target and I write and have a bunch uploaded before the time and others day I post 2 minutes before midnight. Writing is strange. Enjoy this:

Ps: Man is this relaxing:

Non Religious Confessionals Should Be a Thing

So this does have cursing; if it bothers you I will be summarizing on the bottom.

This concept astounds me. Imagine having a place that you can just unload all the things you are feeling and/or thinking and there are no repercussions, no hurt feelings and you get a nice response back of how many other people feel the same as you do.

I’m not Catholic, but I have always wanted to go to a confessional and just talk it out with a priest. Not because I need his forgiveness, I get that straight from the source, thank you. It’s because it would be nice to tell a stranger who is not involved with any of your life, what’s up.

Sure I have friends and family, now, who hear me out on what I am thinking and feeling, but it wasn’t always like this. I didn’t really hear from God personally and it was hard to know if I was getting through my ceiling into heaven. Plus, it is kind of hard to talk though an issue with the person you have an issue with, when it can sound bad. For the most part I am really just stumbling through the dark trying to find my light switch and when that happens I want someone to just listen and if that person is right there, how easy is it to kick them in the face without meaning to?

Having someone who isn’t trying to ‘help’ me through my feelings or isn’t connected would be nice. I don’t need a therapist or even a mentor and teddy bears can only go so far. ūüėČ I just want to talk and there may be a lot and rambling and personal. I don’t want to tell my secret sex fears to my friend or mi madre. Or if I were afraid of clowns for some reason, or something like that, they’re just small things that no one but someone who is never going to see me again can no about. Sure God knows, but I don’t want to discuss it.

Which is silly I know. ūüôā

The other side is when I have something I want to talk about like a guy I like, the problem becomes that the person who I tell now looks at them differently. In the past this meant they gave me the look every time he showed up.  This creepy one:

Image result for when our friend sees your crush

Not okay.

I may like him for a solid day or a week or a year but I will most likely get over it if it is a crush because I know he isn’t the one I will keep. The one I keep I will act and talk about WAY different. I don’t want to have your face following me around. I just want to like the guy for a bit and that is it. I don’t want you to analyze every time I talk about him. (I suddenly see that I am not over a friend’s behavior who I am no longer friend’s with…that you used to really piss me off…huh.)

If I could just go to a booth and say, ‘hey, so I¬†platonically like this guy I go to church with and really I think it is just that he is one of the few guys who respects me and doesn’t avoid me because he thinks he will suddenly rape me nor does he look at me like he WANTS to rape me.’ By the time the conversation was done I would get to the end and say ‘….huh, you know, I don’t think I actually like him romantically. I just really appreciate his behavior. Thanks for listening while I talked that through.’

And that would be it. And I could move on.

Cuz that’s just what I need…to talk it out without it meaning anything while I am doing so.

‘Basara’

Basara(manga) vol1 Cover.jpgBasara is a story by Yumi Tamura that has intrigued me as of late. After reading ‘From Far Away’ I switched to this story. It is about a young lady who is a twin that at birth is called a child of destiny. Her brother is supposed to save the world really…but he dies. She takes his place and leads a revolution.

But, funny story, she falls for the one guy she is trying to kill and he falls for her as well, the one person HE is trying to kill.

Cuz, you know, that’s what happens when you are trying to pretend you are a boy and HEY it’s a manga. Things don’t have to make so much sense. It’s a bit like a soap opera, who cares if the guy is actually the lost uncle of the niece that he is about to marry, but who is secretly trying to kill him for his money. The point is the story is good. (Whoa, I made that last sentence up but I’m pretty sure that is from a Springer show…)

Moving on. I am not finished, I am at volume 13 and they have STILL not figured out who the other is. The story itself is kinda violent and odd. See, the thing is that is post-apocalyptic and set in Japan, but it gives the feel of a medieval landscape. So there are kings and peasants and slaves and such, but no guns, but there are cannons. Mostly they stick with arrows and swords and there is no real magic but people play at having it, but fortune telling is pretty on point. It feels like a bunch of things that the author wanted to have and shook a die to pull out certain things. I get that the cannons may have survived but if the skyscrapers didn’t then how did the cannons?

Moving on. I like the story but there are several people I wish would die off and quick. There are so many sad points (think Game of Thrones) but there also so many megalomaniacs in this one it seems like a spin off of ‘From Far Away’. I know they are the same genre, but I REALLY don’t like evil people who just mess up everyone. King Ukon seems to be the real problem for EVERY FREAKING BODY. He MESSED UP ALL of his children and for what???!!!

So Done.

I am rooting for the two main characters and I even see how they can get around the hating each other. It would take work but who isn’t up for a little elbow grease, love and pixie dust! Hahaha. Just kidding, they need God on this one.

It seems they also have an anime which I may check out once I am done with the manga, but we shall see. As I said it is fairly violent and it would be different for a moving picture as opposed to my own head, which can PG things up.

Ageha is probably my favorite character and at this point I just hope he makes it out of the story alive. He has a past and I think I know what it is at this point but I will let myself be surprised.

On a side note, there is no one named Basara in the whole book (so far), but in Japanese it means Devil Kings, which is fitting once you find out about all the smaller kings. Really looking forward to the rest…sorta I really don’t want it to end on a bad note with 100 more main characters dead….

TBT: Day of Silence

Yesterday wasn’t so bad so I figured I could do a throwback.

When I had just gotten out of high school I was a wreck and what I wanted most was to hear from God. I spent ages doing all I could, but mostly I was just tired of hearing from this supposed God of the Universe, Bridegroom, Comforter through EVERY BODY ELSE!

So I pulled a biblical principle.

I spent a day as a monk.

No food. No drinks but water. Alone in my room. NO TALKING.

Best and worse day of my life in so many ways.

I don’t really do fasting. My metabolism is such that it can be detrimental to me. Plus my attitude sucks. So that whole, ‘make it seem like you aren’t fasting’, doesn’t work for me.

However, this day I did. Probably the last time since then as well.

By the next day I came out glowing. My mother had never seen such peace on me before. I didn’t hear from God that day but it did open the floodgates for me to hear from him.

This past week I spent a day in my room and it was very similar to that day. It was just God and I, though this time I had food and drinks and did all kinds of talking to him.

HSP have one thing in common, we take in all around us.

We need down time to let go of all of that. To listen not to the voices around us, but whatever voice we desire. This may be our own heart, God, books or movies, music…the real point is to let those things out.

This majorly includes us sleeping so as to let our minds and souls process what we have received. The more time that has gone by the more time we need to relax and let our minds and souls have the space to process. For me this means sleep. I have tons of dreams both conscious and unconscious and find myself refreshed and ready for the next day.

Looking back I was such a wreck from not EVER taking time for myself that it is no wonder that I needed this day of silence.

I was able to silence all the voices both good, bad, positive and negative, but mostly everything.

I learned how to give myself and God space to speak.

It was only the first day of what would end up the beginning of an almost 10 year journey to who I am now. Learning who I and God are and how we relate to one another.

RTW: Old Possibilities

So this week, I went through my old blog ideas. I wanted to see if there was anything I wanted to write about.

I threw away 90% of it.

90% is a whole lot to look at when it is in a pile. I have changed so much since¬†I first thought about doing this 365 day blog that I don’t even need most of what I thought I was going to write.

Most of it was pretentious or about others or just plain not me in this season. The point of the blog those papers were going to was about helping other people and making a kind of path back from where I felt God was leading me.

Now my writing is about where I want to go and not where other people are telling me to go. It is about what I need and not what I am told I need. And very much about where I feel God is leading me.

Throwing away so much used to bother me.

  • I worked hard on this
  • It would be a waste
  • I paid for this
  • I MAY need this

Something to be said about throwing away that first pancake you make. Sure there may be one guy who is totally cool with eating it, mi padre is usually that guy, but most of us just pretend like we will eat it and then when it inevitably goes bad because it was left out, we don’t feel bad about tossing it.

We coulda just thrown it out to begin with.

Most of us don’t remember our first years growing up. Maybe one or two memories, but not everything from the womb till now. And that’s okay. You don’t need to have the years that are all about figuring out the most basic concepts.

Same goes for everything we do.

  • the first kiss
  • the first time having sex
  • the first days at the job
  • the first paper in college
  • the first days (or whatever)¬†of marriage
  • The first beginnings

The point is not to give up on these things but to make better. I’m not going to stop writing, but I don’t have to use those ideas either. I’m different and have grown in a different direction. Same goes for sex, marriage, college, jobs. The point is to keep moving forward and growing according to what is in your hands. Don’t give up.¬†Problems in the bedroom, relationship, workroom, classroom, don’t give up, look for different ways, ask for help.

I have so many relationships that at the end of the day, I may not have them, but I don’t feel guilty either since I did the best I could in order to keep them alive. That’s important.

I learn.

Spoilers: S.H.I.E.L.D.

Ward’s back.

If you don’t watch Shield than you don’t understand how annoying this is. Ward is like having every villain comeback from the dead and keep coming. He’s like a parasite that just won’t stay dead. Seriously, he has died about twice now? And now he’s back I just want this guy to stay off my screen.

The actor on the other hand is really good. He is the type of actor that can make you really dislike them. If I met him on the street it would be difficult not to treat him with disrespect without thinking, ‘he’s just an actor, he’s just an actor.’ He’s that good.

There are so many actors that are like that. They are not just good at being bad, they are good at making you not like them. In some cases (looking at you Hiddleston) they make you like them when you really shouldn’t be liking them. Which makes for difficult conversation when people ask you who your favorite characters are and most of them are bad guys.

I really dislike that, changing topics slightly. There are people who root for satan, who legit just hates humans, but people say gets a bad rap. There are people who hate God, who legit loves us, but Satan has done a massive smear campaign on.

And all I want to do is like a CHARACTER in a story who isn’t real and yet I am the weird one.

Now that I think about it, I really want to give weird looks back to people who think I’m weird for liking characters. If this guy were real than yeah, ‘off with his head’ but this isn’t real life. It is a story and in it I get to enjoy seeing the side of a person who was raised all wrong, lied to¬†and got messed up because of it. Did he need to take out New York? No. Do I still like him because of the amazing job Tom Hiddleston does portraying him? Yes. Yes, I do.

There is no need to look down or question a person’s liking of characters. Do I look weird at all my friends who adore Hannibal Lector? No. Do I think it odd? Yes. Do I think my friends who like horror shows are strange? Eh, not really. Do I want to watch with them? NOPE.

We like what we like. Just ‘smile and wave’.

But, seriously, I wonder how long it will take to kill off Ward this time.

Dreaming vs Living

Show called ‘No Tomorrow’ got me thinking about what it would be like to have a list or an Apocolist that would catalogue things I wanted to do in a set period of time. The show was okay and so was the app but then I looked in my closet and found a small notebook that would work just as well as the app and would be in my hand.

I called it ‘My “This” Year’. No apocalypse coming so didn’t need that name and calling it a bucket list seemed to big and I wasn’t dying. I don’t want to have things that I will do at some point, like going to India. I want things to do now, like bake cookies¬†or read particular books or eat chapulines.

This lead me to write things that I had just been putting off for no reason at all. Like going to Portos for dessert or buying a gigantic teddy bear for myself instead of waiting for some guy to do it for Valentine’s Day (got it the day before. :).

I didn’t want to just keep dreaming about someday, I wanted to live in today.

I stated crossing things off quite quickly and finding more things I wanted to do. Some things required time like going to specific places for my birthday. Other things needed money like going to Tokyo Disney (and friends).

The point was to get things moving.

Then I found I wanted a Little Black Book. I had an extra one of those little books and I could just make it black so why not? But then I found a major bug in my plan. Based on God …rules. Pretty much dating is out until he says so. I’m not against it per se and I would NEVER tell anyone else to do this (It was a specific thing for me for reasons that are important and personal.), however, it has led to this bug. LBBs are for putting men’s phone numbers in as well as other information. (If you like old movies, ‘That Funny Feeling’ is a very good reference for this moment.)

So I asked mi madre her thoughts. She said why don’t I just put things I will do with a man one day when I have one. This lit up my life as I was able to use that notebook in the same way as I had the other, but in a different way. 121 items later and 3 am I finally told myself go to bed.

It is exhilarating to choose to liv out my dreams and not just eek out one every year or so but to get a few of the little ones out of the way and focus. Sure they may be small, but they are really building up my confidence to do some of the medium size things in my life.

Jack Monroe

I have a lot of stories in my head. Lives if you would, that I would like to lead. One of them is the unfinished Jack Monroe. She has no story, just a name, but she is amazing. She doesn’t even really have any characteristics either, but I know she is amazing.

How do I know this?

Because I made her up and in my head she is all the best parts of me plus the parts that I wish I were.

I know a lot of people do this, make up a life that they wish they head. However I have tons and Jack Monroe is one of them.

If however, you Google¬† ‘Jack Monroe’ you will meet a wonderful woman who is by all accounts doing her very best for the world. She may even be what I aspired to be at one point.

One point.

Now I have different dreams and I play them out in stories that I write or just think about. I don’t aspire to be Captain America, saving the world. I’m pretty sure that I could do and be something fabulous by other peoples standards but the problem is my ambitions lie elsewhere.

Honestly, I’m still a little pissed at the whole world for various reasons. Most people don’t need to be saved. Spankings, ice cream, firm talking to, a kick in the pants, a holiday, jail time…sure, but not saving. Saving can come in many forms as well, but they don’t need it from me. Most people just need a friend, but they have no ability to be a friend back so I let God handle that.

Thing is, I don’t want to be Jack Monroe, I want to be me.

BUT, I want to have the ability to be in any situation.

I don’t drink alcohol really, but I tell my friends I do. I am actually a social drinker, but we don’t hang out much so I drink maybe once every 2 years. If not less. I tell my friends I drink so that when we hang out I can drink or not drink as I feel like. I like to explore the world, so if that means trying a sour gummy worm and a Guinness for the first time while at my friends first major gig, I’m going to. If I don’t like it than fine. Most of the time I do not, but there have been a few stand outs. If I tell them I do not drink than trying to have a drink in their presence will become dramatic and problematic as they may begin to treat me like an alcoholic having a drink.

This may seem odd, but it happens more often than not.

So, I don’t tell people a lot. I let them figure it out. Shock is different than being forced to stop doing something that I want to do. Which also happens more often than it should for a person over 21.

I choose who I am and that can be a very fluid person. I have skydived but that doesn’t mean I’m an avid skydiver. I have shot a gun but that doesn’t make me an enthusiast. I have done a lot of things my friends will do when they are in their 30’s or forties, some even later if they begin to see their lives flashing before their eyes. Yet, for many of them I am still the young one of the group. I ask for a cup of coffee and they act like I said I’m going to have a smoke outside. I talk about sex and…well lets just skip that conversation. *eye roll*

So for many reasons I have Jack Monroe and pink wigs and big hats.

Because most days I want to be me.

Other days I want to be the parts of me that will make your eyes pop out of your head.

And those days are glorious.