‘Milk and Honey’

Ever we wish you could NOT read something. Wish you could go back and NOT hear something.

This book of poetry by Rupi Kaur was this for me.

This poetry that flowed like a story made me wish I had never picked it up. 

The heartbreak, the pain, the hurt that goes deep and corrupts all relationships thereafter…

It was a long held pain and heartbreak of my own. I knew this pain so well in ways that reading brought so clearly to light. Though not the same circumstances of childhood or even adult life I found her words like tasting a meal that tastes just like home or a sound that reminds you of a loved one who isn’t your life any more. 

Reading it was so much more of myself than I wanted to feel again. To hurt again.

It was beautiful and deep and life at its all, but all comes with pain and for that reason I wish I could unread it.

I’m not running from my past any more. Yet, still I see the damages that were left behind by it, and healing can seem more dreadful than leaving it alone.

It will be alright, b/c David Tennant says so

When I saw this, I whooped out loud.

Then it got deep, and somehow I simply wasn’t expecting this.

I have no idea what the ‘Last Leg’ is however, seeing this guy bust out some ‘real talk’ with real compassion, kindness and gentleness…

Can I be David Tennant when I grow up?

Yesterday I walked into my church thinking a bomb was going to go off because of Trump putting his immigration stand into place. There are some who agree, others who are vehemently opposed and I just didn’t want to deal with anyone.

My plan was to simply walk away from anyone who started talking about politics at all.

But then, nothing.

Like, NOTHING.

Not in the prayers, not in the sermon, not in the lunch after.

I had one moment where a friend made a small joke about chips and a wall and once I said ‘Don’t even’ she stopped and even apologized.

It was like getting a Fastpass at Disneyland for all the rides.

I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I just got on the rides I wanted to and went home. In other words I talked to the people I loved, left alone the ones I am only so-so about and went to the beach with a friend.

I really want to know what ‘Positively rebellious and rebelliously positive’ looks like in real time.

PS. what is up with that shirt? (Straight outta Paisley??)

So I love books, whatever man

I don’t like all kinds of stories, but I adore books.

Do I want to read classic? No, I’ve had enough, I want more references I quickly understand. Do I want too read 50 shades of anything? No, I prefer my books spanking free; I had enough as a kid they aren’t pleasurable to me. However, I still enjoy a full range.

I think that I am up on popular everything until I try to discuss books with another book lover and it is like we didn’t even grow up on the same planet. I mention books and they mention books and neither of the twain shall ever meet. I mean this happens with geeks too! It sucks.

A group of ladies from my church had this season of reading and trading the more popular books but even then, because I wasn’t on the list of those trading, I never got to talk about and of the books.

And I had read them! All of them!

Yet and still I cannot help, but love them. Even when I cannot share them, even when they are ‘trashy’, light, heavy, slightly boring, skipped the first few chapters, read only the first and last chapter, these stories make an impact and often supply just what I need in the season I am in.

So here is to you authors, screenwriters, illustrators, fanfic-ers ;P, bloggers, vloggers, youtubers and more.

I thank you.

“The wall”

​https://youtu.be/m5rq94KsKa8

Today a friend came over and we did this exercise from popsugar’s JJ Dancer.  

And then went for a 3 mile walk. 

Whoo. 

I’m so tired and have a headache because I need way more water. Mi padre was all upset because he didn’t want me hurt and I’m thinking…I need to be healthy and the three miles was happening anyway. 

My friend taught me a variety of ways to make sure I don’t hurt myself. I learned that I was stretching not quite correctly. Also, the exercising itself. I couldn’t breathe and got tired and she said that I needed to keep going but do small movements. This helps you to regulate your breathing and continue past “the wall”. 

I want a bath and sleep. And then “don’t bother me, I’m” sleeping.

Happy days

That is sooo wrong.

Today I had a happy day. Worked with mi Madre at a decent hour instead of 4 in the morn and got done fast. Went out for lunch with a friend and did a little shopping. I plan to buy this sweet dress for easter, just need to save up. Had a heart to heart with mi Madre and more and more we understand each other. Got my mile in and found a new tea store. 

Now I get to sleep and focus on God instead of everyone else.

I need days like this. 

ALSO, because of a sale I got a new pillow for $3. 

God is great.

Comedian of week: Trevor Noah

Finding comedy that makes me laugh out loud, literally, is hard. I am more the, smile politely type, rolling on the floor inside of my head. Also I don’t think a lot of American funny is at all funny. Example: Why is a man hurting himself funny? Maybe it is just me, but mi madre engrained this since of ‘helping’ in me and mi padre put in ‘serious’ and ’empathy’ so I am stuck with this sense of humor that is distinctly not American. Now that I am focusing on British humor I have found Trevor Noah, who is actually from South Africa.

This surprised the heck out of me because I saw him on Stephen Colbert’s show after he, Noah, got The Daily Show. I do not at all remember an accent and thought he was an American so when Youtube suggested him from the Apollo, I swore it wasn’t him.

It was.

As I’m listening to him, and he’s more and more funny I checked out his stats. Partly because I just didn’t believe it was him and the other was to make sure he was married.

He isn’t.

I’m not sure if other women do this but I usually check to see if a man is married who is a celebrity so that my hormones will shut up. If he’s married or at all involved my brain will shut off thinking about how cute he is and will just let me enjoy the funny.

His life according to Wikipedia, is radical. His mum should have a movie or at least one of those film of the week type things. She got SHOT IN THE HEAD….and lived. LIVED. I just want to see like a three hour movie split in half about her is all.

Noah talks about things that aren’t funny at all, gives them a spin and suddenly you are laughing and it just isn’t right. Like this one:

Not okay, but somehow funny because it is so surprising, I guess? Still not sure. Actually don’t want to over think this one. I can do that later when I’m in the overthinking part of my menstrual cycle. 🙂

The sweetness in the pain

​https://youtu.be/ejAkSts69WU

This song was dope.

I had an odd time with God the past 2-3 days. We have this lovey dove feel, calling each other nicknames, sitting up late talking and watching random videos on youtube, but we have this other side too that is sharper.

We have this rule about fighting, we fight during the time, but at the end of that time we are still in love. 

So when we aren’t dealing with past issues and hurts, we are just us. 

On our off times we are this song up there and things are just radically sweet. However, when we begin to have real talk…I barely like myself and I wonder how and why we are even still together. There is this forcefield that covers up the swetness and all I see is this pain that swirls inside.

We have a break so I can eat or go out or whatever I want to do and it’s like there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. 

This week, it seemed different. 

I always forget the pain in the sweetness. 

This week, he’s not allowing me to stay in my pain. He is forcing me to look at truth. Look at him. Look at myself. He is beginning what some might call rehabilitation. No more surgery, now we begin to build strength.

It is embarrassing and so much of the past few days has felt shameful as I fall down over and over. There is emotional pain and spiritual remberance of rotten training. 

I asked him of there was any other way to handle this and he told me no. 

I was reminded of Jesus asking God the Father if there was any other way to handle salvation and him saying that he will trust him no matter what. I want healing true, to be able to walk tall spiritually and not feel like an emotional and spiritual cripple…but the rehab seems just as hard as the surgery.

I honestle couldn’t live without that sweetNess in between, however.