‘Milk and Honey’

Ever we wish you could NOT read something. Wish you could go back and NOT hear something.

This book of poetry by Rupi Kaur was this for me.

This poetry that flowed like a story made me wish I had never picked it up. 

The heartbreak, the pain, the hurt that goes deep and corrupts all relationships thereafter…

It was a long held pain and heartbreak of my own. I knew this pain so well in ways that reading brought so clearly to light. Though not the same circumstances of childhood or even adult life I found her words like tasting a meal that tastes just like home or a sound that reminds you of a loved one who isn’t your life any more. 

Reading it was so much more of myself than I wanted to feel again. To hurt again.

It was beautiful and deep and life at its all, but all comes with pain and for that reason I wish I could unread it.

I’m not running from my past any more. Yet, still I see the damages that were left behind by it, and healing can seem more dreadful than leaving it alone.

It will be alright, b/c David Tennant says so

When I saw this, I whooped out loud.

Then it got deep, and somehow I simply wasn’t expecting this.

I have no idea what the ‘Last Leg’ is however, seeing this guy bust out some ‘real talk’ with real compassion, kindness and gentleness…

Can I be David Tennant when I grow up?

Yesterday I walked into my church thinking a bomb was going to go off because of Trump putting his immigration stand into place. There are some who agree, others who are vehemently opposed and I just didn’t want to deal with anyone.

My plan was to simply walk away from anyone who started talking about politics at all.

But then, nothing.

Like, NOTHING.

Not in the prayers, not in the sermon, not in the lunch after.

I had one moment where a friend made a small joke about chips and a wall and once I said ‘Don’t even’ she stopped and even apologized.

It was like getting a Fastpass at Disneyland for all the rides.

I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I just got on the rides I wanted to and went home. In other words I talked to the people I loved, left alone the ones I am only so-so about and went to the beach with a friend.

I really want to know what ‘Positively rebellious and rebelliously positive’ looks like in real time.

PS. what is up with that shirt? (Straight outta Paisley??)

So I love books, whatever man

I don’t like all kinds of stories, but I adore books.

Do I want to read classic? No, I’ve had enough, I want more references I quickly understand. Do I want too read 50 shades of anything? No, I prefer my books spanking free; I had enough as a kid they aren’t pleasurable to me. However, I still enjoy a full range.

I think that I am up on popular everything until I try to discuss books with another book lover and it is like we didn’t even grow up on the same planet. I mention books and they mention books and neither of the twain shall ever meet. I mean this happens with geeks too! It sucks.

A group of ladies from my church had this season of reading and trading the more popular books but even then, because I wasn’t on the list of those trading, I never got to talk about and of the books.

And I had read them! All of them!

Yet and still I cannot help, but love them. Even when I cannot share them, even when they are ‘trashy’, light, heavy, slightly boring, skipped the first few chapters, read only the first and last chapter, these stories make an impact and often supply just what I need in the season I am in.

So here is to you authors, screenwriters, illustrators, fanfic-ers ;P, bloggers, vloggers, youtubers and more.

I thank you.

“The wall”

​https://youtu.be/m5rq94KsKa8

Today a friend came over and we did this exercise from popsugar’s JJ Dancer.  

And then went for a 3 mile walk. 

Whoo. 

I’m so tired and have a headache because I need way more water. Mi padre was all upset because he didn’t want me hurt and I’m thinking…I need to be healthy and the three miles was happening anyway. 

My friend taught me a variety of ways to make sure I don’t hurt myself. I learned that I was stretching not quite correctly. Also, the exercising itself. I couldn’t breathe and got tired and she said that I needed to keep going but do small movements. This helps you to regulate your breathing and continue past “the wall”. 

I want a bath and sleep. And then “don’t bother me, I’m” sleeping.

Happy days

That is sooo wrong.

Today I had a happy day. Worked with mi Madre at a decent hour instead of 4 in the morn and got done fast. Went out for lunch with a friend and did a little shopping. I plan to buy this sweet dress for easter, just need to save up. Had a heart to heart with mi Madre and more and more we understand each other. Got my mile in and found a new tea store. 

Now I get to sleep and focus on God instead of everyone else.

I need days like this. 

ALSO, because of a sale I got a new pillow for $3. 

God is great.

Comedian of week: Trevor Noah

Finding comedy that makes me laugh out loud, literally, is hard. I am more the, smile politely type, rolling on the floor inside of my head. Also I don’t think a lot of American funny is at all funny. Example: Why is a man hurting himself funny? Maybe it is just me, but mi madre engrained this since of ‘helping’ in me and mi padre put in ‘serious’ and ’empathy’ so I am stuck with this sense of humor that is distinctly not American. Now that I am focusing on British humor I have found Trevor Noah, who is actually from South Africa.

This surprised the heck out of me because I saw him on Stephen Colbert’s show after he, Noah, got The Daily Show. I do not at all remember an accent and thought he was an American so when Youtube suggested him from the Apollo, I swore it wasn’t him.

It was.

As I’m listening to him, and he’s more and more funny I checked out his stats. Partly because I just didn’t believe it was him and the other was to make sure he was married.

He isn’t.

I’m not sure if other women do this but I usually check to see if a man is married who is a celebrity so that my hormones will shut up. If he’s married or at all involved my brain will shut off thinking about how cute he is and will just let me enjoy the funny.

His life according to Wikipedia, is radical. His mum should have a movie or at least one of those film of the week type things. She got SHOT IN THE HEAD….and lived. LIVED. I just want to see like a three hour movie split in half about her is all.

Noah talks about things that aren’t funny at all, gives them a spin and suddenly you are laughing and it just isn’t right. Like this one:

Not okay, but somehow funny because it is so surprising, I guess? Still not sure. Actually don’t want to over think this one. I can do that later when I’m in the overthinking part of my menstrual cycle. 🙂

The sweetness in the pain

​https://youtu.be/ejAkSts69WU

This song was dope.

I had an odd time with God the past 2-3 days. We have this lovey dove feel, calling each other nicknames, sitting up late talking and watching random videos on youtube, but we have this other side too that is sharper.

We have this rule about fighting, we fight during the time, but at the end of that time we are still in love. 

So when we aren’t dealing with past issues and hurts, we are just us. 

On our off times we are this song up there and things are just radically sweet. However, when we begin to have real talk…I barely like myself and I wonder how and why we are even still together. There is this forcefield that covers up the swetness and all I see is this pain that swirls inside.

We have a break so I can eat or go out or whatever I want to do and it’s like there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. 

This week, it seemed different. 

I always forget the pain in the sweetness. 

This week, he’s not allowing me to stay in my pain. He is forcing me to look at truth. Look at him. Look at myself. He is beginning what some might call rehabilitation. No more surgery, now we begin to build strength.

It is embarrassing and so much of the past few days has felt shameful as I fall down over and over. There is emotional pain and spiritual remberance of rotten training. 

I asked him of there was any other way to handle this and he told me no. 

I was reminded of Jesus asking God the Father if there was any other way to handle salvation and him saying that he will trust him no matter what. I want healing true, to be able to walk tall spiritually and not feel like an emotional and spiritual cripple…but the rehab seems just as hard as the surgery.

I honestle couldn’t live without that sweetNess in between, however.

Fatigue

​https://youtu.be/-sLydcjPcyI

So watching this video really made me think. 

There is a point at night where my brain is on but really not functioning. It is harder for me to think through anything and if I’m playing a game it is harder to win.

I mostly just took this for granted. 

I considered the fatigue to just be part of life. I have a great many things that I see now really aren’t just “part of life”. A colleague was sick because of overwork, but said that there were things to do so she couldn’t stop. She’s a mom so I get it. However if a mom is unwell and can’t help her kids is she really doing her best? Shouldn’t the concept of taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself in order to better help others be a part of the game plan??

What I haven’t said

//Watching Now is Good (2012)//

What I haven’t said to the people I’m close to…is how numb I feel. 

All the love they have for me, the care, the enjoyment, I can’t feel a thing. I get to the end of my day and it’s like I know I have eaten a meal, but don’t remember anything about it; I know I have been loved or with people but I felt none of it. 

My closest friend is the only one that I feel anything with. The problem is that in this season I have had mostly pain so when I am with her the pain is exacerbated.

Thing is, what none of them know because of how long it has been here and all except two have been here throughout, I can’t feel love. 

Which is ironic and painful for reasons I can’t explain here. 

I can’t even tell if it is just me or what. People talk about love but what they have isn’t love, more like adrenaline or endorphins.

I say this because I can see love. I have 5 specific family couples who got married. I knew each side before they got married and saw them grow in love. One is playful and rich, one is subtle yet powerfully warm, another is young but solid, another is completely behind closed doors but you can here the engine working like a fridge from the inside, and the last is just beautiful and free.

I call them family.

I don’t feel what they feel for each other but I can see it and I am so happy. Love exists and these 5 couples have proven it to me and they weren’t trying, they just loved.

I’m in pain.

How do I watch and find both happiness and pain? 

This rain is EPIC!!!

I’m awake, just listening to the rain fall. I haven’t heard this kind of rain in years. Maybe since hail fell?

Now, I want to watch a movie with a cup of tea. 🙂 

This weekend I dealt with some friends who I am planning to put on a more superficial plan in my life. I have been wanting to build the frindship but the amount of effort I am putting in isn’t the same as there’s. It is difficult when I want to hang, it takes 3 months to find a date and then contacting them to get solid plans doesnt happen. 

I have another friend who is totally on board to hang, but at the moment she asked I was done with these other two that I told her “you handle it or you don’t”. I was trying to say that I am in no mood to make your decision for you if you want to hang out or not and if you want to then tell me but pleas dont put the ball in my court.

….but that’s not how it came out.

Saying what I want is difficult for me. Most of the time I am looking for what is best and not just what I am thinking or want to do.

Example: a group wants food.

I want legit chinese.

If it is not auto ignored, pushed aside or complained about, it takes forever to decide that yes we want to go. Once there and I’m hang at this point, I am expextend to remain lighthearted the entire time. Yet others can cop an attitude, be jerks, complain and just not be nice.

The easier option: force the group to decide what they want and just go with it. Better to have a mild time than an awful one.

This doesn’t work for my closet friends though, that want to know my opinion and are kind…so I have to get used to this.

Rain, rain, please rain some more.