I really need to go to bed but I still have some thoughts in my head.
Thoughts about life and parents, friends and family, love interests and old pains, new things compared to old things, mysteries in my life that are losing their shroud and mysteries that are still wrapped in black.
Life is never a simple task for me in general.
I have a dear friend who brought up thinking up whatever I could possibly want. I’m a woman who hopes for a TARDIS, so he knows I dream big. I thought about and I brought up simple things like a trip to the 99 cents store for all the snacks I could want, I talked about a day at the beach with a friend.
He called me out with this thought, “You are not a grasping woman so why do you walk as if you are and need to stop yourself from wanting, dreaming and asking for things?”
We went back and forth but I brought up the idea that it is hard to dream and want things when:
- Christians say wanting things is unbiblical, never mind that getting gifts IS a love language.
- It is always so hard to get even a little thing that I want and I’m tired of fighting so hard for everything.
- Dreaming doesn’t make it so and ‘working hard’ doesn’t produce results like people say either. It hurts to go so long without and more to have the picture of it but not the thing.
Some time ago I just gave up. I’d rather have my simple dreams that get accomplished than the depressing reality of none of my hopes, of any size, finding their way into the light of my life.
There are quite a few things that I have waited for and tried for and all sorts of things but timing wasn’t right and I, personally, wasn’t right…and it sucks.
Just ‘go get your dreams’ is what I have heard so much. Also this one: If you want friends you must first show yourself friendly. There is SOOO much more to it than that for an INFJ. Layers and issues to figure and all kinds of things that make this not so simple as it could be for others. This hasn’t been taken into account for me and I have to rescript my entire life with this information and it is pissing me off.
Everyone chose to place their version of themselves on me and so it has taken me so long to find my own path, even the beginning, because no one took the time to know me as I am instead of what they thought I was. Never going below the surface I sit here a physical and emotional wreck. Though healing I am all messed up because I didn’t even know myself.
This is really why I am so angry and appalled at the people I once called family. They said they were family but never made a space for me to be all of me. The family I have now, they just expect you to be you and don’t question unless you question. They are by my side even if they don’t get me.
I have to take this next year, not only getting to know myself more but also pouring into myself, finding others who want to know me and get me, and then when all is finished, be the person that I find and not let anyone take her from me. Take that life as mine and not allow anyone to take it from me.
- Learning and exploring more
- Pouring in
- Holding fast
*Puts head on the table*
Simple steps for such a long road. Knowing what the problem is makes the next steps seem so simple. Yet the amount of work it took to get here seems in proportionate to how much pain has gone on before.
*Screams in frustration*
Now I feel like it will take me longer to get to sleep!