It’s something

I have a 52 week course I’m going to go though, more info later, but it first talked about morning routine. Suddenly I had this revelation that I don’t like mornings because… waking up has been hell for a long time.

I confided in a friend my feelings and she asked me how long it had been this way. I didn’t want to answer because saying it would have made it more real than I needed in that moment. When we got off the phone I watched this:

I have never been raped, but I have had a lot of things happen in my life that were “something”, but not enough for me to tell anyone. I felt pain but I just expected it to pass. At mark 19:30 of the video, I just broke down.

July and August were so hard but because I thought the feelings in my stomach and before that my neck would pass I thought I could just wait to go to the doctor, the pain will pass. Getting to the ER and them saying I should have come in, hearing from a friend that a week is how long you wait….right in this moment I see all those things that I let pass because I either compared them to others experiences and said they were nothing or I just thought they would pass…

It’s been over 15 years since I remember having a daily wake-up of wanting to embrace my days. I feel just like I did when I the doctors or nurses kept asking how long I had had pain. I felt so dumb looking back. It’s so idiotic to hold onto pain for so long. Emotional, mental or physical.

A few people caused pain in my life and I never got it treated. They were young they didn’t know so I let them off but I never got the treatment I needed or tools to deal if it happened again. And it did, and it kept happening and my pain got worse and worse with every person who didn’t mean to hurt me or was too young to know what they were doing but did.

Yet, I don’t want to approach my past in bitterness…there’s enough of that to last me a lifetime, I just want treatment and healing.

15 years I have been hurting and ignoring my pain. God, help me, that sounds worse writing it down. I’m not even sure how I am going to say this out loud to my friend. Or anyone really.

God has been gently pushing me this direction for 3 1/2 years. I was so angry at him for making me take time off and just talk to him and I was so confused as to why. How long until…..lots of things. He sat and watched me in this pit as I covered myself over and wouldn’t hear from anyone, let alone him. He who loves me more than anyone had to endure me change from a fun, light playful girl into a dark, pain-shamed filled woman. As I was destroyed internally….I look back on all those moments where he loved me and I saw only the ‘love’ others had already given me that had destroyed my soul, I fall apart.

Here’s the thing…this world is so broken and messed up and I’m not taking this crap any more. I want sweet sleep and joyful wake-ups and life abundant, I will take this year and make it mine. My way.