So, I tried one of the 7 questions and this really made me re-think where I am.
“If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you be remembered.”
Instead of the usual thoughts that I might have, morbid or ‘realistic’, I began to explore the breadth of my desires. It went from a journal prompt to an actual hard look at my life and what I have been doing. I know people talk about Life audits but I didn’t need 20 questions for this to happen.
I want to pour into my life instead of only pouring out. I have learned to serve everyone but loving is different. I want to love myself and then others when I have it to give. I want to spend a whole year enjoying the things I enjoy without shame or guilt. I want to go outside a LOT more. I want to be with people who pour into me and vice versa but without the usual ‘work’ way of doing it. I have one person like that right now, but I want another one.
Most important…I want to build my life untethered to my family. All of them, blood too. It’s not that I don’t want them in my life, I just don’t want to be tethered to the dock anymore. I want to get in my boat and cruise around the harbor. I want to go random places at the best times, because it is my time. I want this to be my time and life now and not just a kid who has to go wherever and do whatever everyone else says. I want to go to the beach on Christmas Day whether my parents want to come or not. I want to elope and tell no one until I am ready to actually be a couple. I want to eat way more junk food, knowing that my version is healthy for a lot of people and not feel ashamed that I enjoy healthy and junky food. I want to ENJOY MY LIFE. I want to get a lot of good-for-me things into my life in differing sizes, shapes and colors. The ‘mundane’ like reading with the windows open and a blanket with tea to the medium of going stargazing in a truck overnight and the larger going to Japan for a month.
I’m so used to the concept of ‘servants serve’ from church that I forgot, people need replenishing. If I am to pour out God’s love into the world I better have his love, a cup and the ability to pour. Why die of starvation and thirst because you were giving it all to others? Are you not allowed to drink because you are JUST a servant? We are fellow heirs with Christ, we get to eat too! And drink and live and enjoy his love and laugh with him!
Give me a break, Christians! Give us all a break!
So now, as I assemble a mental list of what I want in my life, and what I will begin to add, questions linger in my mind. Waiting until the new year ins’t an option, with all the medical stuff I think I need to do this now and not wait. I got to a bad place, I don’t want to go again. Others disdain, anger, maltreatment or discouragement can’t hold me back either. UGH! And straight fear from the grey unknown has to change to the beauty of a white piece of paper. I may make mistakes a few mistakes but I’d rather enjoy doing than holding back for more an more time.
HA! That settles it! I will go get a cup of tea, finish up this writing prompt in my personal journal and then….most likely go to sleep. It’s been a long day. Helpful and pouring into self but still long and full.