Reaching out…to who?

My friend is depressed, like legit depressed with really bad thoughts. So as her friend I told her “GO SEE A DOCTOR! DON”T WAIT!” I really put the pressure. Another friend was also depressed and I wouldn’t let up until she had told me she was in therapy and was working things out.

It took me until after the first friends own appointment to realize…I think I need to see the doctor too.

I strong armed both friends to take care of themselves with professional help and it never occurred to me that I TOO should be getting help. I’m not suicidal but I was at one point. When the second friend began to talk about PTSD…I found I had all the symptoms as well. Lately with getting sick I have been getting more and more emotional and it has been like a dark fog.

I broke down to mi madre and told her that I wasn’t okay and we prayed and kinda let go of some stuff.  Later I talked to God alone and asked him if it was okay if I go to therapy. His answer was almost angry. “I’m so sorry that people have badgered you into thinking that getting help for yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally or otherwise, is a bad thing. If people helping other people were so bad wouldn’t missionaries also be a bad thing?”

We had a long talk and by the end of it I was so overcome and 100% lighter.

I needed permission to go see a doctor and that just seemed so ridiculous after I got it. GETTING HELP SHOULD NEVER BE BELITTLED. Yet that happens so much. I am so afraid of people not being there for me and belittling my needs or ignoring them that I had entirely stopped reaching out. My dear friend who is CURRENTLY dealing with depression is encouraging and there for me and I just want to weep. I don’t know what to do with such kindness.

I’ve had people I have shared the ‘deep places’ of myself, ‘reaching out’, but when I do, apathy, or worst those empty words of ‘wisdom’ or plans that never happen. People always say that it’s just fear that keeps us back and we need to have courage. I’ve had courage, and I’ve had courage in all the wrong people. They don’t tell you that part. That you can get people who are wrong for you even if they would be awesome for others.

My sisters are amazing. They are when I need them and I forget that. I always say I’m okay and most of the time they give me my space but always with this look of “If need be, have knife will travel. Call when you’re ready.” My elder sister is like this. I will walk past her out the door to go for a cry-walk and she stops me saying ‘uh uh’, hugs me and says she loves me. She won’t let me go till I smile, but still there’s this look of ‘have knife will travel’. She has said something similar too. She’s pretty gangster. But she’s older than me so she has kids who need her and I keep thinking I’m intruding.

I had a group of people who would call me family, twice this has happened. One really was family but the other….wasn’t. They were too messed up personally to be family. I pushed the real one away because of hurt feelings that I didn’t know how to air out. The other family ‘taught’ me that people aren’t really good to lean on. That is still stuck in my head so the family I CHOSE gets the backlash from what all those other people ingrained in me from a young age, for years.

I wish I could just rant at the not so good family. I plan to go back to the good family and reform the relationship when I have the tools and words to do so. (Hoping therapy will help with this.) And for my chosen family…PEOPLE, I’m sorry I’m so messed up. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COME TO YOU! I need you so much but I don’t know how to not be the ‘disciple who flinched’. (Remember that from camp?) All I can say is ‘I’m lost! Please be my Ohana.’ I know I’m like Stitch and seem like this superhero Christian but really I’m just this scared woman who doesn’t know how to take care of herself though she’s great at taking care of others.

On a slightly different note, I’m really  excited to find a good therapist or whatever, I have to figure it all out first but we shall see. AH! I also have a doctor’s appointment coming so if anyone cares, my physical will be just fine too. 🙂 Thanks for listening.

The cartoon below for me is more like past friends versus new friends.

My IRL friends are good but internet friends are so aggressive about it in a good way: