“I felt damaged. I wondered if anyone could ever handle me. This was my own jagged little pill to swallow. If only, I could manage everything better. Then I could be there for everyone and then perhaps they would be there for me.”
I went to my sister’s house warming party last night and it was pretty awesome. We had good food, friends, family and games. It was wonderful to support her in this new time. Watching all the introverts slowly begin to fall asleep was also fun. Yet the three people, me, my dad, and bro, were all still raring to go even though we are all HSPs. It is one thing to be an introvert but to have an HSP with people thy like in a small room? It’s a recharging moment, like being an extrovert. My brother’s wife, however, was a different story. I could feel her slow down and just stop and it was amazing and cute.
She and I have known each other hmm almost 10 years. we have been trying to be friends for that long as well. Somehow…it’s like we are always on the wrong wavelength. I’m on FM and she’s on AM. We have so many things in common, our mental and emotional struggles, our thoughts and ideals of the world….but still I feel closer to my brother than her and it is frustrating. Sure bros are good and cool but a girl wants a friend! a girlfriend to lean on and have fun with!
Recently….I think….I got this friend. We have known each other for a bout a year. In the beginning I didn’t even like her, she ‘rubbed me wrong’ at a bad moment, but then we went to this seminar together and then we went camping with a group and suddenly we were tight! We’re hanging out and chilling and I’m flowing like we’ve been friends for years.
Then I get paranoid! I mean, it is SUPER hard to connect with someone I have wanted to connect with for 10 YEARS and this one person is suddenly so easy to be around? What’s wrong with her? Is she secretly trying to be friends to do something nefarious in my life? I sound uber paranoid but I actually had a “friend” like that….2. Several have just straight up lied about stuff, like 1/2 their lives. I’m messed up but I have reasons!
I’ve learned how to stand without any support, it’s the American way right? Be independent, be Olivia Pope or Emma Swann, maybe? Or if you are a Christian you are supposed to be Captain America.
The polar difference of my 10 year friend and my 1 year friend are so odd it’s freaking me out! It’s like for once I have someone who is not only on FM, but the exact same station as well. My very first inclination is to run, give us some space so that I can stabilize, like scuba diving and settling into the new pressure. She’s even nice and asking about things like ‘who supports you when you are supporting everyone else?’ and ‘are you sure you are doing okay?’
I want to yell, “Go away you lunatic!” No one is this nice! My family isn’t this nice, why are you??!!
Sigh….I went so long without support that now that I am getting I need to calm down and relax. Maybe it’s time for a me day….