A cautionary tale

My old friend got married and just called up our family to invite us to a reception. I walked in from a long day at work to, “oh, here she is!” and practically ran from the phone.

This is one of my last friends to get married and ….I’m not happy for her. I’m jealous and envious and angry at myself and and bit at God and…trying to get on the phone and get the high “OMG” voice….I couldn’t do it. 

For all my friends when I heard they were having babies or when they got married I was inwardly and outwardly pleased…but after so many and now really being pretty much the last….I think I internally broke something. 

This is in lieu of finding out 3 friends are pregnant and I’m just sitting here on my period filled with hormones that aren’t going anywhere. 

I don’t even want a baby.

I just feel so far behind. I JUST got a job and it feels everyone is 3 steps ahead. The marriages, the place to live, the jobs, the kids now? 

I’m in my 20s I’m nowhere near being an old maid…but I expected to be in a different place. Boyfriend at the least, travelling way more, job with more money and a different one. The job thing was based on other people’s goals for me so that doesn’t count. Yet, still…

I put my ambitions in a hole because I saw how ambition could hurt people. I chose to put my desires aside because I thought it was the Christian thing to do. I buried my wants in order to better handle people…and at the end of the day I was left with having a gaping hole where my wants, hopes, desires and ambitions should have been fullfilled.

I spent so much tI me on other people thinking all that was related to me was sin and they were all godly.

And now when I should be reveling with a friend, I am left with a bitter stomach.

I have still much growth and learning to do it seems.