Needing sleep vs having to sleep

Who knew there was a difference. My shift was off balance so I ended up super early but a lateen night before. Trying to force myself to sleep was like trying to figure out how to rip my own eyes out. It was simply uncomfortable and not happening. 

The day was really really good, but when I got home I crashed for almost 6 hours. Getting up randomly to eat snacks and drink water. It was so comfy and easy.

I’m really thinking about work too, you know? I like my job, like major crushing on it, have for years, and now I’m doing it. Sure, I’m walking a lot and doing exercise, but I really still enjoy it. There is no force required.

Other jobs I had to force myself to be there and it was tough and draining, emotionally and mentally. Even when I enjoyed what I did, because I didn’t like it, it wasn’t and good situation. I didn’t really understand the difference. 

A good portion of my life is spent on doing things that I don’t like, but can find enjoyment in. I thought I WAS doing what I liked/wanted. I have people I enjoy, men I romantically enjoy, books I enjoy, movies and TV shows I enjoy, but…I don’t really like them all.

And I don’t really have a plan for what to do with that information….

I have been taking the time to do things I have been putting off like buying certain things, eating at certain places(when I have money) and finishing old projects. Doing this I’m really finding out what I have been forcing myself to do in how much I thoroughly enjoy certain things and begin to question why I’m doing others. 

All I can think to do is continue what I have been doing. I just didn’t realize how off I had been living.