Sooooo….I have a….n issue.
I really, really like my job….but today I barely wanted to go.
When I stopped and actually thought about it I had some legit medical thoughts on my mind…but I also had this buried thought.
I kept thinking…it will suddenly implode. I have had a bunch of little jobs before now, low pay and tons of hard work was always included. No job has ever been as good or such a good fit as this one and I have this paranoid way of thinking that if something goes well then the other foot has got to drop. I have thought that way about God, family, friends, a random moment in time…tv shows.
I wait, almost cringing in patience for the bad, like a woman who has just been hit too many times in her life. Honestly, this job isn’t perfect and I do see a few things that could be things to deal with down the road. However, they are things like in video games that are overcomeable (that’s not a word) and will be a way to increase XP later.
Nothing soul shattering is on the horizon, but this morning this is what my mind pushed me towards.
I’m not one for words of affirmation, but I’m beginning to thing this is the only way to change my habit. Remind myself in the deepest places that not only is nothing soul shattwring going to happen, but the little troubles that are there…God is right there so lean in. The leaning is such a choice, but if I don’t make that choice I could end up in troubled water just because I psyched myself onto them.
I may have a ‘swirling vortex of death’ inside of me, but I don’t have to jump in for no reason.