This HEAT!

I write lat ely as a kind of making sure I am connected to the day. Sometimes they flow too fast or bleed into one another and I have had weeks go by with no real anchor. So I write. 

Yet today, with the heat encroaching and sleep all I want to do, I found happiness and solidity. 

Not having a job for several years really got to me. Having several jobs that were 90% forced really burdened me. 

This job that is two days old shows me new things everyday.

I am happy mostly because of the work God and I have done to pull out the despair and more that was in my soul, however, there is also happiness of having money in the bank that is all mine. Sure it isn’t there yet, but it will be. 

I found today how angry I had been with my family because without a job they really had nothing of substance to chat about. This is slightly hyperbolic, but it was akin to being asked when I was going to get a boyfriend by an overzealous aunt over and over at every meeting. I became withdrawn, in part because I thought that was all that I could give them. I didn’t know that for over 3 years until this morning. 

Today, I wrote because I wanted to, but I didn’t have to write here, and I will do more later elsewhere. In many ways I have evolved again and grasped onto my self again. My heart.