The Itch

Or maybe it’s a hunger. Sometimes it’s both or a combination.

I have found that people react differently to pain of all sorts but I happen to be part of the group that turns it inward. Meaning that any kind of pain I feel goes inside instead of at the entity that it emanated from. With or without intent to cause me pain I will ingest it.

This creates…. an internal bomb.

With God I have learned how to release some of this tension and let it out in the way that can be like a fireman letting off pressure on a hydrant.

The itch or the hunger is what reminds me that I have a lot of backed up emotion that I need to release.

Life is better now because of it.

However.

There are days that the emotions inside are not… classically ‘good’ emotions. Needing to let off some happy, even anger or sadness is fine, hard, but fine.

But what about lust or violence or the kind of anger that is so close to hate it could land you somewhere very dark?

I am a Christian and with that comes a few rules about killing and envy and the such. The handle of which must be in the hands of God really. New age under the billings of Christ, you see, not quite what the Jews had in mind, I think. Most people entirely when I am honest wouldn’t agree with what God says.

See, his concept is that people cannot simply ‘get over’ their issues, so he says, ‘doo what you want, but include me in the process’. This looks a bit like a person doing a drawing and their teacher is there to guide them or they do the drawing and afterward the teacher explains the different techniques to help them on an individual basis.

In other words, a lot more hands on.

Thing is, when the God of the universe tells you to go ahead and get pissed off and feel all of the emotions that you have been holding back and to not worry, just unload onto him….I swear you will think it ain’t God and even if it was he is having an off day.

Which never happens, all for a reason, right?

I have learned not only to recognizemy hunger, but just like normal hunger, learn what I have to feed myself. Each emotion requires a different medium, and the harsher emotions can be haunting.

Sorrow for me turns into opera and not the sweet kind, but the kind that makes it sound like I might try to jump off a bridge afterwards. Violence requires me to take a tree branch I found and swing it like a sword like the movies where they have a pretend fighter in front of them and then to began to talk through my emotions as I rail on this invisible ‘enemy’. Each emotion can stir so deeply that tears may come even when I am not sad. It is simply the beginnings of release.

As an HSP I have emotions stuffed down that are not really my own. We pick up everything like a radio with extremely high reception. I have rage against people I have never met, lust for people I haven’t seen and yes I mean people! I am a straight woman and yet because of this HSP business I have a lust for women picked up from men I meet and I don’t even know how that bloody works! I feel what doesn’t exist for me and comprehend things that I should not even know about.

And this is why for years I put myself on hold.

I needed to understand these feelings I was picking up because none of them made sense. Imagine being a kid and thinking you are gay simply because you pick up the lust of women from all the men around you. Imagine further feeling suicidal and angry or depressed all the time with no reason to feel that way.

The itch inside to jump when on a tall building, the hunger to destroy someone in battle, the desire to cause irreparable damage to someone…imagine all this at the age of 9. I remember because that is when I started to want to be like Spock. I had so many emotions and no idea what to do with them when everyone told me they weren’t good and of course the bible told me so as well. Yet, no one told me what to do with them, so I simply buried them for another time. Another season. Another Ariel.

God unburied them all and began to show me how little originated from me and began to dismantle all of it. Then he showed me myself. I still don’t understand this Ariel. After all those years of life, accepting this war-like, suicidal sometimes pathetic creature as my own self, the new me….the real and true me was and is unreal.

I find myself not as kind as I thought and not anywhere near mental. I am not as strong in some areas and goliath in others. I am alive and being alive doesn’t mean the same thing as what I thought it would be.

….and I find that brilliant.

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