RTW: chastity

When I was a teen I said I’d wait till marriage for sex. All the adults at church treated me like I said I was going to run for congress. It was startling and awesome to them. My church once I left high school wasn’t really different, more like saying I was going to run a marathon though. Cool, just a bit awe inspiring, and something to aim for. 

I’m in my late 20s now and it’s different. At my old church I was grossed out by the people close to my age who made sex seem gross and the older adults made it seem like work or boring or something soul sucking. The church I’m at now don’t really talk about sex, if they do it is simply a normal part of life between marrieds or a lust thing to be conquered/put in God’s hands.

This video talks about a married lady who did save sex and her experience as well as others who didn’t.

I’m having a hard time right in this moment. I don’t feel encouraged by the people I know who are married about sex. Most of the single people I “grew up with” in this chapter of my life, all but a handful aren’t married. Sex isn’t really something they talk about let alone like this one talk about in glowing terms.

Sex has always been this uncomfortable thing, I didn’t like how I felt after watching a show that had it in it or when a guy would hit on me and talk about it. It hasn’t really ever been this wonderful thing in my mind and so in many ways, though I do want to…I also don’t. It took me so long to even think that I want a best friend as my PARTNER and not simply to be someone’s mommy or trophy or maid. And hearing what she says in the video…

There seems to be this whole world out there of possibilities that no one is talking about. There’s this crusing pressure isnide that says that the romance in song of solomon or the friendship between David and Jonathan…or the normal, plain giving just isn’t a thing. 

This weekend I had a man friend say my hair cut was cutelling after his wife asked if it was cut at all. This isn’t the first time a married male friend has done such a thing, and in front of his wife who is my friend. I expect to be complimented by people and not have it be sexual or a form of flirting…yet it is so rare for a single Christian man to compliment me on anything. As if he were going to burst into flames of passion right there. 

If he won’t while he is single, why would his habits change later without force? I want to be a wife, not a mommy teaching her boy how to be a good man.

On the other side…I’m in my mid twenties and watching all my friends get married and have great relationships is harder than I let on. They are all so perfect together, like seeing a perfectly put together outfit or one of the pairs we all like: pb and j, steak and potatoes, etc. I love seeing them.

I also dislike being alone. 

More than that I dislike this thought that I have no idea how to find or forge this relationship myself. 

I’m lonely for something that takes time to create so finding a person won’t even “make it happen”. 

I don’t want to feel the emptiness that the people at my other church carried everyday, but it is difficult be around friends who are couples, when they leave they leave with someone. 

And I am left at the table alone.