The hidden words

This week was a two fold change to my writing.

First: 


I locked away my journal; 2 in fact.

2nd: 


I wrote to myself.

Since no one is going to see this journal, well hidden, I don’t have to worry about offending someone. I can talk honestly and truthfully without having to deal without putting out SO MANY fires. 

I don’t want to have to stand up for every single thing I say, I just want it to exist. If I believe anything my mother doesn’t agree with she blanton tells me I’m wrong and says I’m not allowed to disagree. 

….I’m an adult….I do what I want…and that’s legal. (Unless it were illegal in which case I wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Don’t like jail, not a good enough library. Too much violence all the time. No privacy. No way.)

Other friends of they were to see my unfiltered opinion would be hurt and think I am picking on them. Then I’d have to fix them like they aren’t grown ups who can fix themselves…

I want to tell myself I am doing a good job without being told I am way too into myself. I want to talk through my feelings, even if there is cursing or meaness. If I just say what people want to hear and not what I want to say…than is this really me?

If I hold back and say what is least to hurt you because you can’t handle it but it causes a big negative withdrawl in our friendship…am I really being a good friend or true to myself.

I’m still piecing through this and though the answer is right in front of me…I’m just not ready to accept it.

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