I am not the best person, but I get called a saint by church family. I’m the ‘good girl’ to them.
There’s a reason for that. I became a Christian way young so since then I have been working on…well…not being a jerk. But because of people who burned me I also learned how to be…look like the best type of person. A person who doesn’t hurt any body and has just the right opinions and speaks very little so others can talk and basically lives for other people. Strong because others are weak.
So, yeah…I look like a saint.
I know we all say that ‘if people saw what was inside….’, yet for me there is this…other…person practically. I am a cuddly, cute, precise, angry, highly emotional, logical, timid and strong kind of person. A dichotomy that I see in stories as the extremely quirky character.
Yet I have portrayed calm, cool and collected because that is what gets people to not hurt me. I prefer sexy to cute because sexy makes people move out of the way like a person holding a knife in a kitchen versus cute which makes people start squishing you like a teddy bear even as your stuffing comes out.
I am not a brand. I am not a product that needs to be marketed. I am a human that has no business being sold. I have things I create or produce, but those don’t define me. They are a part of me like my love of tacos and fries.
BUT this has been my life.
Live in such a way that people buy me.
I don’t want that anymore. I want to live as myself even if no one wants me. I have been so tired, hurt, sad and depressed and I just want to like myself again.