What if you COULD have the fantasy in your head?

What would I do?

Where would I go?

Who would I become?

…honestly…I want to see these things without other people’s pressures.

My mother pushes me to help her and others. She is a helper, so me not helping is off to her.

My poppy pushes me away period, just like our cat who walks away as you are trying to pet him, even though he wants to be petted and will walk like 1/2 a foot away.

These are pressures. Pressures they tell me to work for love and run after love. 

They aren’t my kind of love. 

…I haven’t really sat and tried to learn how I love. Am I actually selfish? Am I needy? Am I wacko but intriguing?

I don’t know because I have always been living under the rules of how you love and accept love so I’m not confident in how I give or receive love.

I just know the rules to living with other people

and I want to break them all.

So…I’m going to make some mistakes and be selfish and run wild and a few other things. I’m going on an adventure. 

I’m going to get married waaayyy too soon for others taste. I’m going to leave my home and not tell anyone where I’m going till I get there. I’m going to have parties and sleep in and eat all the food u like and go for long walks and spend tons of money. Get rid of my debt and live a life free of all those pressures. I’m going to stop giving to my friends out of an empty pot, no matter how mucheck they ask-there’s nothing to give here! THIS! Really and truly I am going to stop “loving” my friends and letting them steer the relationship. If I want to eat somewhere I’m going to say it and be adamant. If I think their thoughts on politics or race suck, I’m going to say what I think/feel and let them know their opinion is still so valid. I’m going to go with my heart/gut and not just what “feels right”. Feels right led me to hurt my dear friend and I REFUSE! 

I will be including myself in my life and…well…God help me to stay with it.

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