Moving

….I need to move.

I mean, move move like leave my house, leave my city, leave period.

I have been wanting to leave for a long time, sure, but I am at a point where I need to craft who I am without the weight or boundaries of other people.

I have a friend who is part of the top 5 things in my life that I have ever had and I messed up bad because I didn’t know who I am and how to live that out. I can be the ‘good Christian on camera’ and the woman I am behind closed doors, but when it comes to being who I am with another person….I cave. I let their feelings take the wheel and their boundaries be the starting gates and finish line and so many other things.

I have been emotionally banging my head on the wall for a solid week and I’m sure that for other people they would need to stay right where they are and tough it out and do the ‘right thing’.

I said I wouldn’t do that didn’t I…compare myself to others…BAD habit.

MY right thing.

My right thing is to take it slow. I want to let go of so much and just allow myself to heal, somewhere pretty where when fall hits I will be able to see a real fall, where leaves change colors and it truly has a hygge feel without trying. Where I can take walks and not be thinking about a gangster shooting at me or a man trying to pick me up and getting loud if I say go away. A place where people say hi to me with a smile and maybe even talk a little.

I had this conversation with this total country boy while at Disneyland and he just talked as if it was the best thing ever being able to fish and have trees. I wanted this before I met him, but now it’s like this need.

I want to be in a place that my friends and family can’t bias me or subtly push me into being what they need me to be instead of just being who I want to be.

And that’s the big thing.

Who they need vs who I need

And right now…alone, writing this, I know all that I need. I don’t know specifics, but I know the basics.

….and right now what I need…is going to almost or completely empty out most of the relationship bank accounts that I have with people.

The people who I hold so closely will understand, but that won’t make my choices easier for them. I’ve been away from home in one spurt for no longer than a month…leaving so no one has access to me, but through mail or maybe Facebook twice a month…

If 2+2=4 and everyone else is saying 3+1=4 it still doesn’t make anyone else happy that you disagree with them on how you got there. They want me to say 3+1=4 and that is how it is.

But that isn’t how it is and I am broken from losing friends because I can’t stand up for myself. So I want to leave. Everyone wanted to see THE ME stretch my wings and be who I am supposed to be…

Thing is, none of them no what I have always known deep down, the only way I can do that is to leave them in some way. I have to be like Rocky and train to be who I am, so I can do it in the major stage that is life. That may take years.  I don’t know.

But it won’t be here in the safety of my family and friends. It won’t be in the seclusion of my room. It will be in the place and timing that God affords me, and I won’t be back until I am able, with ease, to be who I am without someone else effecting me to be what they want/need me to be.

THIS is what it looks like for me to learn how to fly and leave the nest. It means more than just learning how to say now. It means being Abraham, grabbing Sarah and following God where he leads. I won’t be bringing Lot because I dislike the drama that could come from that (Seriously who has sex with their dad because they are afraid that all men have died and the lineage must live on? It wouldn’t even occur to me! So gross.)

I have a list of those I will keep in touch with, if they want to I mean, but it won’t be tons. and it won’t be all the time.

I ran away from home one time and it was too soon, but it was good.

Now…I’m leaving to make my own home. To build my stamina and strength, level up in gaming terms.

Whenever it happens, be it this month or this year, I’m looking forward to it.
And that is a first all by itself.

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