RTW: Unsatisfied 

I feel sucky right now. For more than one reason, but one I really shouldn’t be…

A handful of time ago was my birthday and I had a handful of things I wanted to do. None of it turned out the way I hoped. However, I was satisfied that I pushed for my choices.

It wasn’t for a handful of days I realised that I was feeling funny…then a couple more to really look at it. The things that I had planned…they were my choice, but I included mi Madre in all of it. I like her, we’re family. I included mi padre for SOME things and three friends for one thing.

….mi Madre and padre usually give me a physical gift, maybe two if they want to be individuals.

They didn’t this year.

Mi padre kind of got me a gift which I am over the moon about, but it wasn’t explicitly said.

When I asked mi Madre she said that the experiences were her gifts, helping them to happen.

Other than those three friends…no one really did or gave anything. Sure the usual happy birthdays on Facebook and some texts…but only 2 were meaningful.

I’m pretty sure this emotion is mostly pre-period emotions…but not all of it.

A friend once told me that aT a certain age you need to start celebrating yourself. I did that this year and was happy.

…but I still feel this inner hurt that these friends of mine didn’t really reach out. That mi Madre took my ideas and pilot fished her way. I know that is hyperbole, entirely, but the things I chose were things we were going to do anyway. They were just at my pushing and my timing.

I feel rude and to my ears sound spoiled for saying these things and I don’t know what to think or do or even say. I just feel unsatisfied and in some ways hurt.

I celebrate my birthday and it feels like so many people just didn’t give any real care.

Are they really friends or family or is it that too much time away from them has taken too much out of our emotional bank account…or is this really how it is when you get older? Or worse, does your birthday only count to others when you forcefully attach them to it via a party or event?

I need to go pray.

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