Denial…kinda late prompt

I really like doing these prompts, but usually I am too late or too early, like today.

I’m doing it anyway.

Today is about denial.

I have been watching this Hallmark, ‘A wish for Christmas’ and I couln’dt make it through because I felt something uncomfortable here.

Plot: woman is faced with her ongoing lack of courage and being stepped on by all around her and being treated like a sucker. She gets a wish from Santa that for 48 hours she will have courage.

Aside from thinking about what I would wish for (why is TARDIS always first??!!) I began to think about how I would want courage too.

God, this is hard to say.

I let people push my boundaries and past them…a lot. I hadn’t quite accepted how far I had been allowing this until I someone important gave me space. For example, when I go out with people and at the end of the day everyone asks is we all had fun I will smile and talk about one particular aspect that was great and make it seem like I had the best time. Or maybe I will be so vague it will show that I had an overall good time.

But, I didn’t.

And, I haven’t been.

I pretend I do.

I only have two people who really want my honesty (not including God) and when I am with them it takes me a moment to let my hair down. I didn’t even know that I was bothered by either of those two until one gave me space and I realized how much of a mask I had been having on.

How much of myself I had been denying TO myself. It is different to hide myself from others. but this week I have found just how much I am keeping from myself.

It’s hard to look at a moment and think, man I was really unhappy here or nothing went my way, but that’s okay for now or I went out when I should have stayed in.

I have been keeping a stiff upper lip for so long and been in denial of my true feelings.

And that sucks.

I’ll talk more on Wednesday…

 

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