I…I think I just had an epiphany…
At about 5:55, superwoman says that there are ups and down days and you never stay “fixed”.
I have so many thoughts and feeling about this video but the major one is…
I can’t fix you…any of you. It doesn’t matter how long I pour into people or how much time or energy I give to them or love…this will never be enough.
Everyday I spend time talking with God about my feelings and I find I am just breaking even. Feelings wise it is an uphill climb to feel sane but he gives me practical advise to handle everything the comes my way. (I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG!)
I choose to continue healing, learning, growing and eating everyday even when it hurts like heck.
Other people…they may not have that drive, that solid choice, the years of practice to put God first even when it sucks.
Superwoman at 4:10 says you’re sad when you have everything going for you, let’s figure this out.
I have been depressed for years and had no clue why and hearing her say this makes me think, I’m sad when I have no reason to be, let’s find out why.
And I’m sitting here thinking about what occurred on thursday.
Monday God asked me what I want to do, and I tried to get a way, but what popped out was I wanted to build a journal, but I felt it would turn out badly like my others. I had a notebook and we strategized how and by thursday I had a solid plan. A friend asked to hang out, but how could I give her the attention she deserved if I was focused on this project? So I said no and boy was that odd.
It took all day, which made me happy I didn’t invite her and be a sucky friend, or an unfocused creator. I only have one more aesthetic part, but it is nothing like my last ones. It looks GOOD and for a journal addict that means something.
I felt like I filled my “tank” to halfway. I was full of energy though I was kinda tired from the day before. I was thrilled and had endorphins flowing!
Looking at these two moments I have found two things.
- People can be like children who need constant attention, love, changing, managing and…I’m not their parent, God is. I can’t do his job, and I need to chose not to or risk hurting myself and causing them to be independent on me and not God.
- I need to make myself the priority, specifically, what is stifling my happiness and let’s get rid of that and add in what makes me creative, alive, energetic and full.
I have practical tools now and I need to continue with those things and begin to add those things that truly fill my tank, even if I get tired, it won’t be that exhaustive tired that causes me to get sick easily and live a life of depression and sadness.