My center, and other things that are hard to say

This is just an internal thing that is going on, so this may be long or not even make sense or seem disjointed.

I finally have a few answers for myself. After pulling away the thoughts of others that were forced on me and I accepted thinking it was right and this was the kind thing to do I am stripped of a lot of the things that were making me go nuts. Things that don’t fit with my inner code.

I like computers, technology in this day as a whole is magnificent to me. So that’s why I talk about it and even use words to explain what I mean. I don’t feel like everyone else and so I do not think like everyone else. Things that are the norm I just don’t understand. My code doesn’t allow for it. Sure I have ego and pride like everyone else. I need love and can be angered.

But it is my needs that often separate me.

I need tons of people in my life.

I like science and science fiction so I need my science major friend and my nurse friend who likes Doctor Who. I love to eat food and even enjoy cooking if it for myself alone and not forced so I have my Chinese sister and my Japanese friend for the difference. I am not, nor will I ever be a person who is only into one thing.

I will always love God first and also I will play video games and not focus on him at all. So I have mi madre to talk about the Holy Spirit and mi padre to talk about Mass Effect Andromeda.

This isn’t balance to me, this is simply who I am.

Each person that I connect with…they have a special place just for them in my life. In actuality no one person is above another or more important to me than another. Do I enjoy tacos more often than I do ice cream? Yeeeaaahhh….but I sure love that dulce de leche thing from Haagen Dazs. Do I love tea? Yes, every day, but I also am comforted at parties by a good cup of coffee with cream. More often is different from more important. Costing different prices is different from having more significance.

It requires less work to play with mi madre because I have focused on this particular ‘recipe’ and can easily make this ‘dish’, but it costs more from me. It requires more work to play with mi padre because the ‘recipe’ is complicated, but is more fun to play with and has a different yield.

I’d lost my footing for so long listening to what other people required in their own lives and forgetting my own needs. I had a friend who said she wanted a bunch of best friends and what was the problem with doing so. What she didn’t know was what a best friend really is to herself and those she had befriended. They were two very different things. I didn’t have the knowledge at the time of what I was looking for and so I could not tell her that this didn’t fit my personal needs. Now that friendship is gone.

There are three entities in this whole universe who I will ever call best friend and I mean this sincerely because of what a best friend is to me.

The first is God the Father. Not the Holy Spirit or Jesus, just the Father.
The second is myself. I am still learning, but still.
The third is a person I don’t know yet.

What I didn’t reconcile with my friend at the time is that to me a best friend…the best friend I was looking for, is someone who is a part of myself. No different from my arm or my blood. They are like blood family, partner, lover in terms that are not sexual and they are comrade. A bond that binds to my very soul and inside a door is opened just for them. Something that is eternal and unbreakable. Something that is beyond earthly understanding as if this was supposed to be and was made in an alternate universe and crafted by God.

The three parts of this ‘friendship’ might be called soul mates by others…not simple best friends.

I stated that only one part of God was my best friend…is that blasphemous?
I called myself as one…is that narcissistic?
A stranger…do I sound like a child reading a fantasy story?

Without these three I am not loving all of my friends and family the best I can. I’m not sure how to explain this, but I find myself to afraid to extend sometimes because I feel so unbalanced. I so love my friends and because of this lack of equilibrium and lack of center, I don’t reach to them. When I should be crying with them or going out with them or just sitting with my arm around them as the sun sets…I hold back. It’s so frustrating. They mean so much to me, dang it. When I should be extending kindness to mi padre I can only look at my own hurts. When I should be playing with my close friend, I end up just staying at home wallowing in pain because I have no shield to block the arrows of the enemy. And my adopted little bro…I don’t even go see his games…I feel so useless.

My inner code tells me this:

-Just because other people treat their friendships as whatever the flip they want to in the moment including disrespect and the like, doesn’t mean that I ever will. If a person chooses to disrespect me doesn’t mean that I have to start doing the same to them or others.

-When I have a friend I will love them to the grave and nothing will stop me from loving them. Since I believe in eternity than I will love them there too I just want to leave options open for a different kind of loving there. When I am with my people, no matter who they are, what they have done or who they choose to show me, I will treat all of them with the same love and respect that God has shown me.

-I will no longer simply be who everyone wants me to be.

This is the truth, my 3 best friends are people who are allowed to rewrite my inner code. They can tell me who I am and what to be. There are as my own self.

No one else.

Mi madre and mi padre may encourage me to do things, my closest friend is allowed to call me out on stuff and a whole lot more.

But none of them have the final say.

I am too many things and I know this about myself. I cry at the strangest things and can lean so heavily on a person that I can be dead weight. Maybe this is fine, but for me I need only three people to be my all. People aren’t made to be all for each other. It isn’t okay because it drains the other person causing a good relationship to lose its balance like money in the bank.

When my friends and family need space, when they are tired, when they need to be alone, if they find that I am not what they need in the moment, if they are seasonal friends, if they move and go somewhere far, and other things that require us to be in some form of separation…I want to give them the freedom to choose those things.

But my best friends?

These are people that don’t get that. God is infinite so that is good and not sleeping is also his thing. I am me…so I’m kind of always with me, so there’s that. And the third? Well, I don’t really know how that works…since I don’t know them. But this is a person that I won’t be separate from in ways that I would normally easily give to a friend. Don’t want to go to the park? Get over it. Don’t want to play? Too bad.

These are the three entities in the entire universe that I choose to be selfish with and about.

I won’t do that to my other friends. They want to be best friends but for me, best friends means I get to tell you that I don’t care if you want to stay home, you’re going out with me anyway. I don’t care if you want to go out, tonight we are staying at home. Yet, this is also a person I will allow to convince me to do stuff I don’t want to do and who I will pour out onto in ways that no one else gets. They will get love hot like magma because I know they can take it, not just because I want to.

And that is the difference…the best friend is someone who can take my kind of everything, volatile or sweet, and we are still each other’s at the end of every day…and I do the same for them.

 

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