Rtw: Christ-centered happiness, get off my back

Randy Alcorn wrote: is there selfish and superficial happiness? Sure. There’s also selfish and superficial love, peace, loyalty, and trust. We shouldn’t throw out Christ-centered happiness with the bathwater of self-centered happiness.

I have three personal sayings:

  • HEY, it’s me.
  • I’m good at what I do.
  • I do what I want.

That third, was not my idea. At all. I wouldn’t get rid of it for a million dollars, but in the beginning I would have for just about anything.

I don’t remember when it happened, but God quietly told me, “Beloved, Do what you want.”

How quickly I began to cast out demons and call on the name of Christ was just instantaneous. 

God would NEVER say that.

This one sentence began to pick at me until I gave up. I still was hoping it wasn’t God, but I had so much confirmation from outside sources it was extremely difficult to ignore. 

So I tried. 

And failed. 

I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. I had always been told. So I waited for the Holy Spirit. And by waited I mean that I was at metaphorical door every moment asking what I should do, who am I, what do I even want in my life?

I hated every second of time as what I was programmed to do, flew out the window and I was left with just me and God. Mi Madre and mi padre called me out on it as I began to say all the time, “I do what I want”. I used it as my shield because how do you tell parents,(think high ritzy accent here) “oh mummy, I simply cahn’t do the dishes tahday as tahday is the Sabbath and I simply cahn’t do any work because, well, God told me not to! Ta ta! cherrio!”

When I say they didn’t but this I reeeeaaallly mean they were not okay with this. One does not simply tell their parents no.

But I persisted and eventually mi padre began quoting me himself. 

Still God pressed me. 

“Beloved, Do what you want.”
I was trained to serve others, not myself. I had no clue what I was doing. So I began to think of stories. I began to think of myself dating two men at the same time or being a hacker or any of the things that are normally tabboo to a Christian. 

I found out how quickly I was not made for those lives. Sure, for a second I could go out with the two guys but before any normal things happened I had chosen one guy and let the other off gently. I was a hacker, but always with the good guys. And sex? Nope. I got so frustrated. This is my own mind!! I should be able to think of anything. 

Here’s the problem: 

  • Wiring
  • Training
  • Heart

In all of these areas I am plugged into the Beloved. I’m way more Bollywood than Hollywood. Nice clean fun and lots of dancing and singing. I’m a romantic, the idea of possibly hurting someone just sucks for me so playing two guys or stealing a person’s money sucks. 

I would dance at clubs till dawn and then head to the beach before sunrise with some tea and blankets. My old friends…forget that my present friends don’t get that. All they can see is what others would do at those clubs like excess drinking, sex and drugs. I’m not into that life. I like dancing, it gives me my own rush and If I’m awake till dawn? I’m going to get funny as heck ands the sleepiness kicks in. Who needs drugs or alchohol for that?

I’m learning what makes me happy and finding out that so much of it is Christ-centered can be tough when all that can be seen is that the stuff I want to enjoy is crowded with junk that I don’t enjoy. Explaining that God told you go ahead is also an uphill battle as people who haven’t gotten that word hassle and drill. Even shame ya. 

But that’s their problem right?