Put on the CC to see this. You know…unless you speak it. All I got is English so…;)
In my stories, I am able to date TONS of guys. Real life, not so much.
I mean, I would if it weren’t for the fact that I am fasting from it at the moment. *rolls eyes* Honestly, though, if I were able to I wouldn’t know where to start. How do you meet people? How do you meet people that fulfill your parameters? What is really needed for a long term thing? Do I even really want any of that? What’s wrong with just enjoying friendships, and why can’t more guys do that correctly?
Even when I get past this, I get in my head a lot:
Sure, I think I like a guy and I may think he likes me, but without anyone actually talking, than none of this moves past quick glances, small smiles and awkward conversations.
Is that what is good for 20 years?
I look at what I want 20 years from now…I don’t know. Honestly I am mostly focused on now. I will change throughout 20 years , so looking at that isn’t okay.
Wouldn’t it be better to look at my base self? Think on this. Something’s simply do not change, many, many things do, so getting a partner who likes Doctor Who may not be the best, it doesn’t come on enough for that to be a good choice, but a person who is a geek period, may be closer. But, what if, I boiled down even more? The whole reason I like geeky things is because I enjoy the concept of puzzles, adventure, life, amazement, wonder, beauty. Finding a person who enjoys these things to their core, actually dwindles the applications. Strangely enough. Many people focus on honor and other things, honestly I don’t know what goes on for others, it is too foreign to me.
What I do know is this, I want an equal in the terms of ‘alike’ and ‘comparable’. (I don’t want someone identical as many people think of when we talk about equality of feminism. I am all about enjoying the differences in people. As a mixed race person, I have to or it would get weird fast.)
Do I want an HSP? Yes. I’m really done explaining so much about myself to the people I live with…or being picked on for it. Do I want an introvert? Not necessarily, but I do want a person who respects my need to stay home from church or parties sometimes. But these are really superficial things, to me.
There are so many more important things. Like sex, relaxing, Holy Spirit, stories…on and on it goes. The things that most people think of as an afterthought are the first on my list. For Christians, sex and the Holy Spirit are some of the last things they talk about, if they talk about it. When they do talk about it I don’t agree with a good 90%. The Holy Spirit barely exists and sex is mainly something to cringe through and not really important to a relationship.
This video really addresses some of things I see and hear so much from just about everyone I know. It can be delicate, so a warning that you may not want to watch it.
I don’t want to live my life like that. Sex and the Holy Spirit within a marriage is such a foundational principle and I have no idea how to address sex when I won’t be having it before I get married. More, I don’t even meet many single guys who have the level of Holy Spirit relationship I am looking for in an equal.
This gets stuck in my soul:
Am I going to end up alone just because I am spiritually more advanced than the people my age? They are all more advanced than me in career and relationships or even just age. The spiritual is what I am looking for though and all the guys I know who are available aren’t there yet. Even if I wait, won’t I still be growing and thus end up in the same place? The rabbit hole continues but somewhere in my saying all of this, it becomes a clearing. As if by saying it, I am letting go of the darkness and opening a few windows to let some light in. Even if it is only moonlight.
I need to go listen to God right now. This was a bit long.