I like daydreaming, making up stories in my head, it is fun and enjoyable. What isn’t fun is putting those thoughts and feelings into words. The nuances of a feeling can be vastly lost within a page of writing. It is easier in many ways to simply keep these things in my own mind.
A friend encouraged me, though, in saying that letting out our feelings is healthy.
This week I went to the doctor and it wasn’t fabulous news. I’m not dying, but it wasn’t what I want to hear. More of a wait and let it hope for the best kind of deal as well as a few…logistical changes. He was right, I felt it the minute I even slightly adjusted, but it means changing my lifestyle a bit. When I told mi padre…he asked how it happened when I explained and included a bit about the fact that some of it is because of other people and how I am around them, he went off. Within 24 hours mi madre said almost the EXACT same thing:
“Do not let other people’s issues crush you”
Separate conversations about 2 different thing and yet they said it almost exactly. Mi madre even added: Make protecting yourself a priority, because that is what everyone else is doing.
Does that sound Christian to you? It wasn’t based on MY training and yet, if I ask mi madre and another friend I am sure that they will have a ton of biblical references.
This isn’t about crushing the other person before they crush you. nor is this about not walking in love. It is about changing the focus from ‘trying not to hurt people’s feelings’ to ‘making my protection my priority’.
I’m trying not to be negative about this, but it sure sucks. HSP life entails me having to come up with a ton of coping mechanisms in order for this to work. For example, I usually have a straw that I keep, even have a box to make it look cute, that I keep in order to ‘smoke’. It is just breathing the a tube to help me focus my breathing, but I never take it outside the house.
Reason? There is this scripture in the bible about walking pure so as to not make someone else stumble. This world is so full of all kinds that you could make someone stumble simply by being tired and looking at them in a way that SEEMS rude, but is just you being sleepy. Suddenly they are up in arms about NOTHING and I find myself putting out the dumbest fires. ALL. THE. TIME.
So I don’t use my straws because being seen as less in other people’s eyes as an HSP….means FEELING less in your own eyes. It is ture I don’t want to put out that fire, nor do I want to be told to stop because there are kids. Nor do I want to be told to stop acting like a kid. These are all valid, but what is worse? Is having to FEEL like I am scum.
Having to feel like I am ugly because the other person is jealous and wishes that I were. Having to FEEL so many negative things about myself simply because the person in front of me has so many issues and take it out on me.
Which seems like an even better reason to start making protecting myself the priority….I just…I had this hope that people could be so much better than they act. I see so much goodness in people and they don’t allow themselves to be that person. They are stuck in past hurts from other people and they don’t allow the light of God to shine in their own fantastic way. And it really sucks that I have to protect myself from those that I so dearly want to call family.