I have a lot of stories in my head. Lives if you would, that I would like to lead. One of them is the unfinished Jack Monroe. She has no story, just a name, but she is amazing. She doesn’t even really have any characteristics either, but I know she is amazing.
How do I know this?
Because I made her up and in my head she is all the best parts of me plus the parts that I wish I were.
I know a lot of people do this, make up a life that they wish they head. However I have tons and Jack Monroe is one of them.
If however, you Google ‘Jack Monroe’ you will meet a wonderful woman who is by all accounts doing her very best for the world. She may even be what I aspired to be at one point.
Now I have different dreams and I play them out in stories that I write or just think about. I don’t aspire to be Captain America, saving the world. I’m pretty sure that I could do and be something fabulous by other peoples standards but the problem is my ambitions lie elsewhere.
Honestly, I’m still a little pissed at the whole world for various reasons. Most people don’t need to be saved. Spankings, ice cream, firm talking to, a kick in the pants, a holiday, jail time…sure, but not saving. Saving can come in many forms as well, but they don’t need it from me. Most people just need a friend, but they have no ability to be a friend back so I let God handle that.
Thing is, I don’t want to be Jack Monroe, I want to be me.
BUT, I want to have the ability to be in any situation.
I don’t drink alcohol really, but I tell my friends I do. I am actually a social drinker, but we don’t hang out much so I drink maybe once every 2 years. If not less. I tell my friends I drink so that when we hang out I can drink or not drink as I feel like. I like to explore the world, so if that means trying a sour gummy worm and a Guinness for the first time while at my friends first major gig, I’m going to. If I don’t like it than fine. Most of the time I do not, but there have been a few stand outs. If I tell them I do not drink than trying to have a drink in their presence will become dramatic and problematic as they may begin to treat me like an alcoholic having a drink.
This may seem odd, but it happens more often than not.
So, I don’t tell people a lot. I let them figure it out. Shock is different than being forced to stop doing something that I want to do. Which also happens more often than it should for a person over 21.
I choose who I am and that can be a very fluid person. I have skydived but that doesn’t mean I’m an avid skydiver. I have shot a gun but that doesn’t make me an enthusiast. I have done a lot of things my friends will do when they are in their 30’s or forties, some even later if they begin to see their lives flashing before their eyes. Yet, for many of them I am still the young one of the group. I ask for a cup of coffee and they act like I said I’m going to have a smoke outside. I talk about sex and…well lets just skip that conversation. *eye roll*
So for many reasons I have Jack Monroe and pink wigs and big hats.
Because most days I want to be me.
Other days I want to be the parts of me that will make your eyes pop out of your head.
And those days are glorious.