The sweetness in the pain


This song was dope.

I had an odd time with God the past 2-3 days. We have this lovey dove feel, calling each other nicknames, sitting up late talking and watching random videos on youtube, but we have this other side too that is sharper.

We have this rule about fighting, we fight during the time, but at the end of that time we are still in love. 

So when we aren’t dealing with past issues and hurts, we are just us. 

On our off times we are this song up there and things are just radically sweet. However, when we begin to have real talk…I barely like myself and I wonder how and why we are even still together. There is this forcefield that covers up the swetness and all I see is this pain that swirls inside.

We have a break so I can eat or go out or whatever I want to do and it’s like there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. 

This week, it seemed different. 

I always forget the pain in the sweetness. 

This week, he’s not allowing me to stay in my pain. He is forcing me to look at truth. Look at him. Look at myself. He is beginning what some might call rehabilitation. No more surgery, now we begin to build strength.

It is embarrassing and so much of the past few days has felt shameful as I fall down over and over. There is emotional pain and spiritual remberance of rotten training. 

I asked him of there was any other way to handle this and he told me no. 

I was reminded of Jesus asking God the Father if there was any other way to handle salvation and him saying that he will trust him no matter what. I want healing true, to be able to walk tall spiritually and not feel like an emotional and spiritual cripple…but the rehab seems just as hard as the surgery.

I honestle couldn’t live without that sweetNess in between, however.