What I haven’t said

//Watching Now is Good (2012)//

What I haven’t said to the people I’m close to…is how numb I feel. 

All the love they have for me, the care, the enjoyment, I can’t feel a thing. I get to the end of my day and it’s like I know I have eaten a meal, but don’t remember anything about it; I know I have been loved or with people but I felt none of it. 

My closest friend is the only one that I feel anything with. The problem is that in this season I have had mostly pain so when I am with her the pain is exacerbated.

Thing is, what none of them know because of how long it has been here and all except two have been here throughout, I can’t feel love. 

Which is ironic and painful for reasons I can’t explain here. 

I can’t even tell if it is just me or what. People talk about love but what they have isn’t love, more like adrenaline or endorphins.

I say this because I can see love. I have 5 specific family couples who got married. I knew each side before they got married and saw them grow in love. One is playful and rich, one is subtle yet powerfully warm, another is young but solid, another is completely behind closed doors but you can here the engine working like a fridge from the inside, and the last is just beautiful and free.

I call them family.

I don’t feel what they feel for each other but I can see it and I am so happy. Love exists and these 5 couples have proven it to me and they weren’t trying, they just loved.

I’m in pain.

How do I watch and find both happiness and pain?