There is a show called ‘Being Mary Jane’ on BET. It is about a woman who gets what she wants. All of it. Reminds me a bit of Olivia Pope from the commercials. The character is one I have seen in the past few years many times. A woman who finds she has to prove herself in hard work and effort, has a full sex life and tons of ups and downs, most of the time she has a drinking or drug problem.
I wanted to be this woman.
Looking at this straight on it seems stupid.
I have a friend who learned from mistakes and was left with truth. She found exactly what she wanted from her life in regards to relationships, career, the future, dating and more all because of mistakes. We agree on a lot of things as well. I have never ‘partied’, but she has and in all that we have the same conclusions. She’s had the boyfriend, the dates, the jobs, and I haven’t and we arrived at the same conclusion.
And it sucks.
I get it. I made the right decision by following Christ when he told me not to date of flirt or get a particular job. I won’t have the level of pain she or any of the shows women had, have or will have to go through.
I just have my own personal hell. I feel numb, so much of my daily.
I used to start sentences so often with “other people-” but I found a truth that it wasn’t about other people in this case.
I feel so vastly disconnected from everything.
Recently I have had an ongoing talk with God and the one thing he has said is that I close myself off to more than just my anger or my fear…I close myself off to love and warmth and goodness as well.
Now that I have allowed myself to feel hunger and pain and shame I am feeling colder and colder by the day because these are all draining energy from me, which is good. We need fridges and snow and rain for a reason.
Yet seasons change and now he wants me to open the door to love and his warmth and all the good things that flow from him and he did for 2 separate seconds.
For two very different seconds I felt this love and life from him and it was like having my whole body covered in boiling water. Not Jacuzzi hot and enjoyable, boiling, scalding water that leaves marks.
It wasn’t just his love that I connected with, it was this spiritual realm that I have held back for so long because it also had demons in it that made me feel on one spectrum crazy and on the other like having my body scratched and scarred.
He had me repeat scripture and it was like that demonic part just faded away, and inside I thought, how long will I have to quote scripture? Do I have to do this all day, everyday to stay in this light that so burns just to keep them at bay until I stop talking? It probably doesn’t work like that but I didn’t care at the time when I first found out how much I was connected to this world and I’m taking a hard look at this now.
I’m left with choice I have always had, God or not.
Which I have ALWAYS answered with ‘God, are you kidding me?’
But the truth is, this is my last step. When I accept this, I will have no chance at normal ever again. I won’t get to have tons of dates and hurt or be hurt by a man. I won’t get o have the group of friends who have brunch like ‘Sex and the city’ and say bawdy jokes about our dates. I won’t get to have the up and down drama that comes from that lifestyle. I won’t have a ton of stories that I can’t tell my kids because they are just the worst ever but I can tell the rest of the world about how to do better in this world.
Obedience has it’s own costs that no one allows me to vent about, to be upset about. I chose this route and acting upset about being the ‘good girl’ isn’t what anyone wants to hear.
Knowing what I am capable of versus what I actually do…What people box me into versus what I can do…my abilities that I don’t use versus this obedient side of myself…
Why do I hurt so much over this?