RTW: The “crack in my wall”

I love people. I think they are amazing and art and springing with wonderful life.

Yet for a while now I have noticed I don’t WANT to like people. 

And that feels like I have lost my identity. 

It’s not everything I am or do but not wanting to care for people, to me, is like being a child prodigy who suddenly don’t want to do that thing ever again because their parents, family, friends, etc., pushed thme to do it to much. They love what they do, but they have had too much. 

The guilt has been there for awhile to continue since loving people is also a God given command…but more my heart calls for a rest. 

I’m emotionally spent, but also damaged. 

If you know dr who, it feels like there’s a cracked in my heart. I thought it would be fine and I dealt with other things but somewhere in there I lost my Rory to this crack. I don’t want to explain that, but it feels just like how Amy Pond looked. 

I’m not even sure how long the crack has been there, but now that I see it, I can’t help seeing it everywhere and being affected by it.

Internally, everyday, I feel this immense pain and weight, this crack and I am at a loss. 

I keep thinking that ignoring it will make it go away. I continue to help people even though it is making the crack wider now…or at least more noticable. 

Things that gave me joy now rip into this wound. I used to feel so numb and now I most definitely feel this crack that has been here since I was young. I’m not blaming, I just want it gone. I want the pain and utter exhaustion, gone. 

I want to breathe without impediment and live how I should be.

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