Be anrgy, and go for a walk

I almost lost my cool today. Not the small ugh-ish way. I mean the cursing, throwing things, meltdown kind of way. 

I have ringing in my ears: for a month.

It’s frustrating. I only hear it at night. When it’s quiet and I’m trying to sleep. 

Well after going from one doctor to another my main doctor decides to send me to an “ENT”. (Ear, nose and throat doc.) I call them and I’m told I can’t be seen until the end of february. 

February!! It is the 9th, I’ve had this for a month already and I’m supposed to continue for another 2 months because your doctor is out of the office? Are you kidding? 

I get taking breaks, the holidays are for family, but after so many doctors saying they can’t help me and this last doctor, whose SPECIALTY are my ears, saying he can’t help me for another two months?? 

I almost blew.

I got dressed in my warmest clothes and just started walking. I saw people and knew all their personal prejudices were talking because I avoided them like the plagie. If one man had hit on me, if one woman had looked at me in distaste: it wouldn’t have mattered that all the people before me were the ones they were really looking at. It wouldn’t have mattered if they were mad at their boss or God or their abuser. 

In that moment I WANTED someone to try to harm me so that I could let loose. I wanted to scream and slap and cry and just let out this 1 month pent up fury. 

I just kept walking.

It took me a full block before I could breathe steady, two before I felt like I had calmed down enough to think about going back in my house and another block to finally actually go inside. I clocked a mile and could have gone a bit longer.

Amazing how anger can keep you healthy.

Be angry, but don’t sin.

I’m not the best at that. Learning what else I can do other than cursing out people…it feels better to curse and throw, but afterward I feel horrible. Like eating a whole bag of Hot Cheetos. Not fun.

I’m still not over it. A person came to the door and the Holy Spirit had to remind me to calm down. Mi madre also was trying to help and I could feel her getting upset that I wasn’t listening to her advice. Inside I was a mass of swirling frustration and hearing “answers” from her or myself only made me feel more agitated. 

…I just want to be healthy…