RTW: I cut my hair; first time

Oh good lord what a weight off my head so literally.

I cut off about 12 inches of hair and chopped it myself. I say chop because they are all different sizes in the back. The front has like 6 inches left but the back has 3 inches in many areas.

I was honestly going to shave off all of my, then I saw a video where a young woman did and I didn’t want it to take so long to grow my hair back.

I went to church on Sunday and it was…strange. I put on a hat so no one would know since at first I was thinking I wouldn’t want to deal with the drama.

I hadn’t cut my hair because of other people. The hair became everyone else’s but mine. There were serious guilt trips about it too. I’ve wanted to cut it since I was a little kid. I literally cut off one piece when under 7: it was the cutest piece, so I’m told. I’m not quite sure why I did it then, but I know why I cut my hair now.

I wanted to.

Everyone I know makes a HUGE fuss about hair, and beauty and clothes. What shouldn’t be worn and how much to cover. There are so many rules! It’s either to not be attacked sexually by a man or to keep everyone equal as women.

I’m not a communist, but that is how most women treat other women! We all have to be on equal footing, no one can look better or worse than anyone else. Please think about how stupid that sounds.

I want to be myself and yet because of low self-esteem and a warped view of the world I am less than if a woman thinks I look better than her. So, it is her duty to bring me down a peg so that we are all on equal footing. Not all women are like this, but enough to make it hard.

In the case of my hair, just like anyone else, I wanted a style change. I wanted to do something daring and for myself. I have been cleaning my room for the new year: a fresh start. In this same tone I wanted a fresh start.

  1. Getting from under the yoke of other people’s negative emotions and pressures.
  2. Breaking free of old pains.
  3. Making my own beauty.
  4. Making my beauty mine.
  5. Creating a new path.
  6. Having fun.
  7. Enjoying my life and the options I want to choose.

These ‘reasons’ up here…they are bits of what make up the whole of ‘cuz I wanted to’. I do not deny that thee bits are true…I deny that they are the reason.

Explanation: If I were to make you a cake, am I giving you flour, sugar, eggs, energy, frosting and so on?

NO.

I’m giving you a cake. These are items that make up the cake.

In this same way I did not cut my hair because of any of the reasons above, they are parts of the reason.

“What will people say…”

I cared about this so much before I cut it and then I saw the cut in the mirror and it all washed away. I loved my hair. Not resented is I had for so long… I loved it. It was cute and just like Audrey Hepburn in ‘Roman Holiday’ It got better with said cut. Sure I could have gotten it cut by a stylist and it would have been better, but this is my hair and that first cut was all mine.

I wore the hat out of habit but truth be told I wasn’t scared as I thought I would be. I was happy in the same vein as if I got a perfect pair of jeans or my first corset. (It’s a lovely brown thing and perfect for me.)

the 8th reason I cut my hair?

I want this year to be the year that I increase the deeds I do solely for myself. I cut my hair, I cleaned my room…

I have spent my life living and working for others in the time when I should have been playing, enjoying life, having adventures and doing daring do’s. I don’t necessarily know what freeways or streets I want to take, but what I will do, is things for myself that will provide care and love to myself.

My tank is empty, it is time to fill it up.

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