‘High while blood cell count’

Does anything sound scarier?

Maybe ‘Spider!’ or this is the last book in the series or they tore out the last chapter!

Actually heard that last one in a song and I felt so bad for the guy.

I got my blood checked for a normal check-up and my doctor calls me twice (away from my phone) and asks me to call back.

Can’t get to him and when I do he says he wants to do another lab as my white blood cell count was a little high. Say that to a health professional and they know that it means their body is working to fight something off.

Tell a person who watches way too much tv and no medical experience and I’m in the hospital for cancer! The doc is also not a very high bedside manner guy so he just hangs up after saying this.

I wasn’t pleased.

Mi madre tells me that if it was a real problem then he would have said come in immediately. Which sure is some help…but not really.

I’m a person who can believe anything. Tell me you went to jail for manslaughter, okay. Tell me you used to be a drug dealer, okay. I’m not talking about the times when people are trying to lie to me, that’s a different category. I’m only talking about friends who suddenly tell all their dark secrets. Usually started with ‘You may not believe this of me but…’

But I do.

I’ve met too many weird people to not know that anything is possible. The bigger the city, the more you have seen, I think. Plus I have a really good library and a healthy imagination and love for the sci-fi.

A part of me has just been waiting to have a really bad disease. To believe that I am normal is too much. I meet people and assume they have this great past that we just haven’t spoken of yet. No one is normal so why wouldn’t I have something super bad happen to me.

Mi padre taught me to always be prepared. I think I took it too far. I am prepared for my friends to betray me, for God to not live to his love and protection for strangers to attack me on the street for my parents to die suddenly… I have been bracing myself for the worst for years because if I brace myself for it….maybe it will hurt less when it happens. Maybe I will handle it better when the day of calamity comes….

Listening to God I know without asking that he wants me to give this burden to him. Without asking I hear this small voice inside of me saying ‘It’s not for you to brace and fear it. It is to stand with me in love when the storm comes.’ Gently I hear him ask me, ‘Will you let me teach you how?’

Leaning into anyone is against my training and yet this is what God asks of me. To lean in. To stand in this love when my training says to run, to hide, to bury my feelings away from my heart.

I once asked him to help me to stand by him even the good times. The bad I knew how to do, but good? All different toys and battle equipment.

Now, I’m here and my white blood cell count is ‘a little high’ and my heart stills as I have to choose between running away from God and myself or leaning in. It is assumed that Christians must always choose God…yet this is not the same level as I have known. Choosing between helping the homeless guy or not cheating on taxes is not the same action as standing firm in love and joy.

Different muscles. 🙂

I’m using muscles that I know very few people have been trained to use. To endure, to holdfast. I have been exercising more because of my health and planking is my last exercise and it started at like 10 seconds and now is at about 26. Which is no big deal until the last 4 seconds? Then it hurts and everything says to lay down. At the last 10 seconds the burn really kicks in and the last 15 seconds you begin to think, this may actually be uncomfortable. Yet the first couple of second feel great. Just another exercise. I have about a day until my appointment. Mentally I’m at about 14 seconds away from lying down.