I watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show this past week and for many parts I was in awe. There were several outfits that were subpar in my opinion. In the beginning they had wings that looked like grey smoke and the ladies were some spiritual being walking through. It was ephemeral and breath-taking and I loved it. I built my own wings once in honor of these beautiful wings that I have seen on the shows before.

I thought those wings were perfection. Of course they weren’t ‘Secret’ quality, but out of some strange work came these wings that I had no place to use them.

Many times I make or have things that I love that are wonderful but have no real practical use.I don’t go to places that they would be appropriate and maybe that’s on me. I need to find these places and not limit myself to work, church and occasional outings that are plain and don’t require any costuming.

Expanding my territory…I am good at this when it comes to other people. Making space for others, no big deal. Making space for me: the plan.

I’ve gotten to know myself because of God…to be more exact I have gotten to know God which has shown me my character. Character is not the same as the choices I make with that character.

When I went to Urgent Care it was after tons of stuff. I had a meltdown, had several places tell me no based on my insurance, finally called my insurance and missed their call back, finally got to the one I needed and the doc was several hours late as the UC is new and he was in a different city.

As I melted, God pulled me away and had me lay down and sleep. He asked me to tell him a story. He encouraged me to call the ER to see their wait times. He pushed me to call my insurance back. He reminded me to bring several things before I left. Their may have even been a ‘Fighting’ call in there but I was so tired at that point I don’t remember. The doctor had pictures so I could know what was going on, which is vital for me. The doctor later had a word for me that was directly in line with what God had been sharing with me a weeks before but I wasn’t sure is it was a now word.

….when I got home, I felt lighter and taken care of and made a joke at God that I hadn’t in weeks because of discomfort and…it was like…coming out of a fog and having my best friend crying and laughing because I was back. He was more excited about me being better than I was. I am not where I need to be but that one moment was almost indescribable.

I see God as this loving person who weeps with me but stays strong and doesn’t always show me his tears so I can cry without their weight. He is the guy who rejoices when I get healthy from a long time of sickness. Who would throw me in the air and hold me close to him if he could.

That moment of feeling his relief after one joke….

I have been told over and over who God is and I have been furious at people who would make him into this Zeus character going around making random women pregnant, not staying true to his vows or being in anyway protective over his people.

God is sensitive, caring, compassionate and all kinds of wonderful and I am so frustrated that isn’t the God anyone knows. For all the reasons that are out there they make him stay in this stupid box built by there own fears, pride and pains and don’t get the help, love and wonder they need in their life. ALL humans are my family. I may not like them but we are family. I want my family to be taken care of and if they stay looking at God this way they won’t get any of the help they need.

It is the lost time that hurts the most.

I love God. Not the ‘have to so I don’t go to hell’ “love”, nor the religious kind, or the whatever fake or plain “love” that is out there. I love God like a friend and I don’t have many friends. I love him like one of my bros who are in no way related to me however they are family. I love him like my 4th and 5th grade teachers who were an inspiration to me and pushed me to a better life.

But I want more.

I want to experience him more and enjoy more time with him and spend days just enjoying him and us together. Him and me and not one or the other.  Focusing in on what he is doing rather than what I have missed….it hasn’t been my habit.

This isn’t the habit that I’m looking for though. I want this, yes, but the habit I am looking for is the one that replaces the constant negative feelings with overflowing  love, joy, satisfaction, happiness and all the other fruits of the spirit.

This time being physically unwell…it showed me a lot. I am so important to the equation of my life and when I let myself feel constant dread and darkness in my life it is the same as letting this ringing in my ears carry on and on.

I need a spiritual doctor it seems…where do you get one of those?