RTW: Dating a gay guy

Ever accidently date a homosexual and your the opposite gender?

My one fake boyfriend (long story) was gay. I didn’t know this but his family told me sometime after we ‘broke up’ that he was. I was shocked. How do you date someone when you don’t even like their parts?

In middle school I found that there were all kinds of types. My school was highly progressive and every type of sexuality, way of thinking, kind of person, we accepted pretty much anybody but bullies and racists. I got used to a concept of be who you are, or at least the version you want to share; same in high school.

I have been watching an older show called ‘Perception’ and in the 6th episode called ‘lovesick’, homosexuality is the topic. The word disease wafts around the episode like a foul-smelling cheese. You either eat because someone tells you, you truly think it’s good or toss it. I haven’t formed my personal opinion on homosexuality as a whole, I don’t really want to. I have all kinds of ideas about the subject and selecting one formal ‘yes or no’ just doesn’t cut it for me.

Today I’m talking about one thing, kindness.

For years after my fake boyfriend came out I began to wonder if something was wrong with me. I have had several people either tell me they were gay or I found out …after being lied to for a long period of time. The whole world knew about a close friend of mine being gay but he wouldn’t ell me and I was so hurt when I found out. I accepted him as he was no matter what and yet he hid so much of his life from and being gay was the snow on the iceberg.

Part of me just had to step back at that point because at that same time I found quite a few of my friends were hiding secrets, big ones and lying directly to me.

I am a person who says, ‘live and let lice as long as you are not hurting others or yourself.’ If you want to commit suicide or murder, not okay. If you want to have sex to get back at your parents, not okay. If you want to experiment with all kinds of things in life and live all kinds of crazy, move to Antarctica, have the American dream, throw it away and have your own, make new friends, have tons of consensual sex, okay. I may not want explicit details about any of it, however, I wouldn’t share my own either.

If a person isn’t ready to be, talk about, explore, etc. any of what they are feeling, okay. We will have a phrase to say that there is more to the story but I need to let it go. No questions asked.

The point for me is …why hide something so big from a friend? I don’t have ‘gay-dar’. I have ‘yeah, they told me they were gay intelligence’. I don’t magically know if you have a personal problem or if you are an illegal immigrant. You have to tell me. If you were once a druggie, were raped, had a baby, had an abortion, were a gangster, I DON”T KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL ME.

Not everyone who ‘seems’ gay or like a gangster or a particular political party or anything out there, is. We choose who we want to be. Some people thought I was gay for years but talked among themselves about it. It was brought up later to me and I was astounded, why didn’t they just ask? They thought that since I had never had a real boyfriend and some other stuff I still don’t know about that I was gay. I felt betrayed; you gossip about me behind my back and make assumptions, ostracizing me for other reasons I had no control over nor was I a part of and I’m supposed to…what? Want to be in relationship with you? Act like it’s nothing? They were supposed to be family but they didn’t act anything like family.

As an adult I fight for forgiveness and kindness to myself and others. I was shocked to have a crush be gay and say he was interested in dating. I was hurt over friends keeping secrets. I felt betrayed over family who was distant and cold over hidden and made up secrets.

If I could talk to the people from my past I would yell so much at them. “I love you!! Why can’t you see that??! I still and will always love you because this is who I am. Even if I can’t be in relationship with you because of my own issues or we are countries away from one another, I LOVE YOU! I love all for you, not just the parts you want me to see. Maybe I couldn’t say this then , because I didn’t have the right words, but it will always be the truth.”

For those in my present I would say “I am still working on myself and so I can’t always be there for you when you need me but know that I am getting stronger every day so that I can be there for you they way I want to be. I love you, you are my people.”

For those who are in my future I would ask one thing, “Please, be kind to our relationship and us individually. We may not be forever but we don’t have to be fake in the process. You are who I want to see and know.”