Guarding my space

Right now I am sitting on the concept of ‘putting myself out there’ in social terms.

I had this thought that I might be hiding my writing. It is true that the work is personal, often calls people out without naming names, and in many ways is controversial. If not to the group at large, the people I know.

Yet in many ways I am hiding this voice of mine away where it cannot be questioned, hurt or pushed to things differently. It is what I amused to….I wonder though if it is what I need.

I talked once about the concept of getting married and telling everyone about it later. Dealing with people and standing on principles can be back breaking work, as seen in my post right vs happy.

I have had a space here to voice my feelings without the voices of others chipping away at them. Imagine having a piece ofart work that you made and enjoyed or maybe even one that you were working on and every once and awhile someone came by and chipped a it. Saying it wasn’t quite right. By the end of it, it would be something else from what you imagined. It may ‘fit’ into society’s way of looking at art or maybe it would be shattered from overuse the point is that it wouldn’t be yours any more.

I haven’t been mine for awhile now and I have wanted to change that.

My journey has lead me to the ‘sensei moment’. The time when I must find a teacher who helps me learn how to protect my heart. We sit on a mountain meditating or in a Dr. Strange kind of way make me do the same exercise over and over or maybe putting me in a dangerous situation so I kick start my learning.

I must now learn to guard my heart.

I want so badly to tell mi familia all about what I am learning and doing, but there is a reason why these ‘sensei moments’ come with isolation or solitude…people don’t want to do the hard work you are doing and you make them feel guilty for not doing it. There are a vast amount of other reasons that they push you to stop, but I do not want to handle those issues right now. It is simply too much for me right now.

I may end up with just the Holy Spirit as my sensei, I had God the Father first for core learning, HS would more likely be more fun…not as fun as Jesus but who cares, they are all love. Yet, I honestly do desire to have another person along for this journey. Having a friend in training is nice. I have built a friendship over these months which has surprised me…and having a peer in this time has been magnificent. I have also begun to accept myself in this. I do wonder where my true heart lies…do I want someone else as my teacher? Do I want more people as part of the process? Do I want to have more peers training with me?

It can be easy to say what I used to want but my intuition tells me to wait about telling my family and friends about this blog. Give myself a year or simply just not tell them at all. Let myself grow without any extra outside factors. Let myself be a rose for a moment instead of daisy from a crack in the sidewalk and if any fruit comes of it, let them enjoy that fully formed rose. It will be easier for us all, the few who do know, I trust.

In regards to more people in my life, that would require me asking God to place them in my life and that may take time for him to do. Lately the things I ask him for happen with 24-48 hours, but he always has his own rhythm when people are involved. Even when he does bring, it is rarely what I expect; different or better, aside. Asking…can be a concept I do not enjoy because of this topsy-turvy way of giving. I understand his way even if it makes me uncomfortable.

…It is a conversation for another day. I am thankful that I can speak this way, I don’t have to have explanations or ending quips, I don’t need to say goodnight or salutations. I can just stop and try again another time. I am truly grateful for this.

 

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