RTW: Jealousy

One day I saw a guy from high school on TV and I was VERY excited. I had had a crush of respect on him in high school and so to see him on TV was like hearing that swish sound from a basketball going in just right. There are several people from high school that I was/am silently rooting for. Others, I am simply wondering if they will go down in infamy. I smile when I think of them.

However, after seeing that tv show, that is well known, and then a few other people and friends I knew doing things that are simply fantastic, I began to take stock in where I am.

I felt like a neet. It was fine when I just enjoyed manga and other ‘geek’ related things and was in school but now that I am out of school and don’t really have a job…I saw myself through the eyes of my society. I’m sitting on my butt taking up space to most. I can hear loved ones speak in one sentence about ‘those people’ and then turn around and act as if I’m not part of ‘those people’. This can be my age, my gender, my color, my relationship/friend status…I come up short according to them but when they are looking right at me, they don’t see those things, they just see their love for me. How odd to feel slapped so many times by backlash and without meaning but loved as well.

I had a talk with a friend and she brought up the idea of waiting on God’s plan. She stepped out in the wrong way and regrets so many things. I began to think about all the things I have missed because I didn’t step out and thought, it still turned out well for you…would a few mistakes really be a death sentence? I can deal with many regrets but I feel more regret over what I’m not doing.

In that moment I remembered all the things I have done because I wanted to make friends, all the things that still haunt me to this day and took so effing long for God to heal and the amount of cursing and hate that fell on Him simply because of others.

It is true that I’m not growing at the same level as my school peers…but pushing myself off a cliff and hoping to fly when there is so much I can’t do right now because of pain…wouldn’t I just be making the same mistake? It’s fine to make mistakes for myself but to make them because of others….

I have often been doing little mind experiments: I make up a story where I will make a ‘mistake’. Wearing the wrong outfit, dating the wrong guy, becoming a hitman. This exercise allows me to breathe in a way that I haven’t before. This isn’t about playing out fantasies…though, some are very cool, it is about dealing with issues that I cannot deal with in the real world. I will never be able to kill a person let alone do I want to set up my own business because having to find people who would help me to be a hitman seems just as unlikely and I REALLY don’t want to be an entrepreneur.

I know I am being silly but I also know that there are certain things in this life that are simply not ever going to be for me but I need to look at my heart about.

Looking at jealousy I find that this isn’t about others, but about me and my dissatisfaction of where I am. Yet, when I play out the ‘mistake’ of having everything I want and more by unsavory means, I find the dissatisfaction is still in my heart…and that is a problem that success, money and getting a boyfriend will not fix. They will simply bury it.