This week I have had to fight myself.
I know, after all of that talk about loving myself, I’m already fighting? Well, that was a quick honeymoon. Ha!
Naw, I was actually having to fight to let me love/treat myself. I woke up and realized I needed more sleep. My job is more or less volunteer and I don’t HAVE to go. I had worked really hard the previous week and was feeling drained. Instead of trusting my intuition I found myself fighting to get out of bed. It didn’t matter that I was physically in mild pain and that I was wiped to the point of tears. What mattered was that I made a promise and there was a job that needed doing.
And I was right…but I wasn’t happy.
It was the right thing to do according to many ways of thinking….but it wasn’t right for me. It wasn’t loving or caring of me, it was doing what someone else needed at my expense.
This I want to address.
Many people say this is the Christian way.
There was a widow who gave the little that she had to God while religious leaders gave some but definitely not all. They could afford to write a $5000 check, while she could barely give $5. Jesus applauded her, and so do we. Christians then say we should all live like this. There is more of this story that I would like to talk at length about, however, I want to focus on one aspect.
She gave to God knowing that he would supply her needs. Not because she thought it was her civic duty but because she trusted God to return to her what she needed. It is the reason for most of the people who interacted with Jesus. The woman with the issue of blood touched him with great faith because she wanted healing. Zacchaeus gave back all the money he had ever stolen from the Jewish people because he found that emotional wound that started it healed by the Christ who came brought healing and life.
They gave and fought and did all they could because they knew or had already seen God giving in return. They were blessed for it and were held as a standard for years.
We have become people who give out of necessity, grudgingly and simply because it is expected, instead out of love and honor and joy. Mi Madre often says it is her honor to serve or give to me. It is soo weird to hear and yet it also shows where her heart is. She is full with lots and lots to give but when a person gives out of nothing, they give nothing. I No matter how large or awesome the gift a kid who doesn’t get love and respect from their parents doesn’t want it. They would rather have the family dinner filled with laughter and fun then the laptop that is merely a way for the parent to get the kid to shut up and go away.
How often do I do this to my own family members. I will do anything so I do not hurt their feeling and not out of real love. Giving out of love is the main thing that God asks of us, as well as to follow him. If I am to love myself and others, I need capital to do so. This may mean staying home so that I don’t go to work crabby and thus lashing out at my peers. The point is that my intuition is firmly planted in God’s love/hands/mind. I know what the word says and I follow it, I trust myself, now, based on what has been put in by the Beloved. If this is true than following my intuition can be done. I waited to do this because I didn’t trust myself. I spent time with God having him heal certain areas and explain certain past events in perspective and found a person I can trust to do the will of God more naturally. I say this so that anyone who reads will understand I am not saying to do any of this without God, the bible or anything. I am saying to include the Holy Spirit and getting to know him is how a person does this.
Learning how to be happy with what I hear from the Holy Spirit even when it doesn’t seem ‘right’…it is a challenge I must say, but I want to be happy right now and full. Following him…this is the only lead I have at the moment toward this.