Treats vs love

Treats Love
+Flowers in your room

+Spa Day

+Gaming Day

+Night out

+Waking up to favorite song

+Including little favorites through day/week

+Adding healthy options to your life, ex: a walk

+Being kind after you fail

+Being patient when you are learning

+Not cursing yourself out when you aren’t as successful as a friend or stranger

+Celebrating when you follow the right path

+Believing in yourself when life is ‘right or wrong’

+Hoping for the best for yourself

Today I had a moment of incredible life.

I was watching a doctor who mix vid and he said, love is not an emotion, it is a promise. A wall of information poured into me as my mind, soul, body and heart processed this and got one answer:

What have I promised myself?

Now this is a question sure, but it was a long needed key for me.

I often berate myself for not living up to my or others expectation of me or themselves. I will often look for ways to self-harm because I just can’t agree to my own truth. “Sure I may be the type  to need ONE life-long companion but I’m in my 20’s everyone expects me to have multiple partners in this time.” I sit and disgust myself as I look at my life versus one who is the same age and has dozens of restaurants. I have no hope for my future to be anything but meaningless, boring and without anything that I want or need and simply the rote of life.

THIS IS NOT LOVE.

…and I have been doing it for years. Almost 2 decades.

This has been boiling inside of me for a week and a half as I find in myself that I am not what I need for myself. If we are to love God, ourselves and others…I am in sin. Simple as that. I have been dying for years, I have said this over and over and yet now I find that I m one of the people helping in this problem.

This video unlocked one of the tumblers for me. I can sit and talk so bad about myself and yet let one of my not-so-favorite aunts do this and I will turn into a massive activist for myself! ‘Save the whales’ has nothing on how I protest any abuse from this one aunt because she has a history of rudeness towards myself. Yet I have said and done almost verbatim what I have heard from her.

Treating myself is good, but it is like looking at the great barrier reef, superficial. You can snorkel and have a great time without needing an air tank.

Loving yourself is more like scuba diving, you go deeper and see different things.

Neither is bad but if you want something specific you need certain equipment. This year of writing is really an exploration of myself, all facets. Right now, is the time to do some deep sea diving and find out what else is here without destroying anything I find.

 

 

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