Becoming your own ‘Doctor’

I LOVE dancing and like and enjoy and it just fuels me.

‘The Scent of a Woman’ is about a blind man who is really planning a suicide so is having one last good day on the town. He’s joined by a prep school kid who is supposed to JUST be ‘babysitting’ him. Strange, I know. I haven’t seen the whole movie but in looking up great dances I found this scene:

How amazing to meet a stranger and suddenly be dancing with them on the floor. It is by far one of the greater adventures to have. Especially if you get someone as fun, good and comfortable-making as Al Pacino did.

Adventures like these don’t come everyday…’opening yourself up’, also doesn’t always allow for this. However, in my new life, this is exactly what I am looking for. Thing is…I have been waiting for someone else to be this for me when honestly, I know, that I am the Al Pacino of my life (minus the suicide and rest, just focus on the moment people!) I am the Doctor who grabs a person’s hand and says ‘Run.’

I just wanted someone to grab my hand first.

This week I wrestled with an issue. I couldn’t hear or feel God.

It was like waking up to find your spouse missing or your best  friend just gone but with a note that read, ‘I’ll be back soon’. Maybe you don’t have that kind of relationship …or a good one but I’m trying to paint a picture here so…the president goes missing, how about that? Same note.

Either way, it sucked.

I wasn’t even mad because I really found myself needing to simply sit and be by myself. I needed space to think through a few things that he had told me and I needed time to do that. I still haven’t dealt with any of it. So, his voice also is not here.

Right now, I have to choose to be the one person I have always wanted from someone else, I have to accept a future that I threw away years ago because it was ripped out of me…and those two things are….so deep and so old…I just sit here.

I have answers that I have been looking for since I was a kid and I should be just applying them to my life and singing praises to God and shouting for joy but all I can do is sit here. I’m not lost or don’t know what to do. I’m standing outside in the sun for the first time in so many years and it is so blinding that I can only sit here and let my eyes adjust.

Part of me is so frustrated. God has provided! and I can’t even…I can’t even do anything because I have been darkness so long that my heart is just locked in place. Every thing I have regretted and messed me up, I have found the answer to overcome all of it and I am just living on the surface with this normal smile because …

If you were somehow able to hear my heart or the depths of me it would be like hearing someone just screaming. The agonizing, ripped a part kind of scream after a loved one has died right in front of you kind of scream. So, for DAYS, I have lived not really touching my heart because of this agony that is inside of me.

Years of screams are somehow right where I can hear them instead of buried away and I am left with the knowledge that in a minute I am going to have one of the biggest moments of my life and it is so personal and private that the closest one to me has held himself back so that I would not in anyway feel pressured or pushed. Every bit of training he has taught me is coming to bear right now and when I am ready he will be there like the mightiest wind and love that I could need. For now though, I cannot hear him, I don’t know feel his presence and I am glad for this. For all those years that I couldn’t live without him, I find myself strong enough to do so for the little time that it will take for me to let my eyes adjust, letting this new light warm my skin, the fragrance on the wind fill my lungs and just breathe.

I waited for answers and they are here. I can take a moment to just allow them to be for just a little while longer.

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