I really don’t want to write this post. I’ve been avoiding it for awhile. It’s like when you have to get a thorn out of your skin r have to go to the doctor because you just know you have a cavity, but the survival instinct is more powerful than the need to be healed?
For years I have been ‘playing the game’. I do what everyone wants and tells me to and mostly on autopilot once I got the basic flow. I am not satisfied with this life, I haven’t been for some time. I was raised to get the job done and at the end of high school and college I found a burned out individual. I put myself aside for the sake of just getting through this life. I passed all the levels and got basic scores for everything, because I was just powering through, gritting my teeth through the storm, finding solace in ‘one day’.
I got to ‘one day’ and I didn’t find paradise, I found I needed sleep. I finally didn’t need sleep and I needed healing. I finally didn’t need the same kind of emotional healing and I found physical pain.
I GOT THROUGH THE HARD STUFF! …and I was left with this shell.
The thing that WAS so important to me was learning how to be happy, and not just happy in the bad times as I was taught to do, convincing myself I am blessed even when I don’t feel it, but being truly happy in the good times and not just anxiously waiting for the next storm, trial and challenge.
Now what is important is keeping up the happiness flow and learning to be satisfied.
With this comes an interesting personal challenge…enjoying life.
My world has always been ending. The rapture, war, disease, modern day slavery, ‘Criminal Minds’, eating disorders, chaos, apocalypse…there was always something or someone telling me that life was short, hard and deadly. I lived in a ‘hood’. I learned from experience that the world was not nice, I learned from the news that people were not nice.
No matter what light or love God held, I found that it wasn’t here.
I want to live life on my terms.
Have you heard this concept? I didn’t really care about it the first hundred times I had heard it but hearing it in this moment right now I am left with this: the world is always pushing their darkness, death and destruction on me in some way or another.
…but I NEED light, life, love and laughter. Not on gritted teeth or in the midst of pain, but in a fully healed way where the past is just that and my ‘baggage’ is whatever is in today not from thirty years of collecting.
I don’t enjoy my life as is because it isn’t on my terms…it’s on everyone else’s. My base is God so why am I still making decisions on other people’s terms, instead of my own?
So this is my personal ‘challenge’, to agree to enjoy my life and allow this God to satisfy me, let him be God and enjoy what he’s doing. He has shown consistently his ability and care for me as accurate, leaning into that is what is next for me.
The question is, how to remind myself that this is the plan? 🙂