Real Talk Wednesday: Porn

I may change the name however, I’m just putting it out there for now.

When I was kid I got introduced to porn by a friend who found her dads stash and just like any kid she was curious. Me? I really just wanted to get along with my friend, I didn’t care what we did. That was a mistake that followed me into my adult life. The friend following at all costs as well as the porn.

They always show this scene with boys in the movies but girls can have this scene too. Hearing over the years about how boys’ battle’ with this addiction and how disgusting the habit was left me in the dark on how to stop when I was actually very ready to do so. I didn’t really like it the first time but that’s what sucks about addictions, you can’t just shake them.

Not having someone to talk about it with who wouldn’t just tell me it was wrong and get over it, was the harder thing. I won’t get into all the issues today, as they deal with other people, but still, it brings up questions for me.

  1. If Christians aren’t supposed to read/watch it, how come we run away from actually helping people?
  2. If light conquers all then why don’t we shed God’s light on this instead of hiding it with all the other bones in our closet?

I had really only God on my side as an active participant in this struggle. Often I would tell him to take it from me and yet, just as often I would here ‘I got this’.

I hated hearing that.

Years later I had this moment, recently, that I went without and when I came back I found that I no longer enjoyed it and everything in me was telling me to put it down. I was reading only out of habit at this point. This didn’t shock me, it had happened before so many times. Yet, this time, days later when I tried again, I found I not only didn’t want to, it was boring and just there. I went to old favorites and STILL nothing. After so many years of going on and off and feeling shameful about it but hearing the my Beloved telling me ‘I got this’…I finally saw blatant fruit.

I feel like I won the last point of a game.

I know that there are still pieces of me that need attention on this area but it doesn’t feel like I have this massive demon on my shoulders any more. I’m happy to be alive and finding fruit in a world that has only been war, darkness and starvation for me.

This is the love of God and yet no one talks about this God. They show no evidence to support their theories that he is a great God. They have no PERSONAL evidence to that, just this slow burn in their heart that says it’s true. Which is good in some case but when someone needs actual help? I feel many of us are left feeling empty and alone as opposed to fulfilled and comforted as the Spirit offers in the word.

I want to see some people getting out there and saying ‘I will be here with you, making mistakes maybe, but always coming back with the Holy Spirit to do better and better next time, I’m not leaving.’

So this was a biggie for me to say, so I will leave one of my favorite Bollywood songs here, for your enjoyment. It’s from Devdas which, if you are not ready to cry, I do not suggest you watch it.  🙂

 

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