I have actually caught up to my writing so I’m moving really fast through to catch up. So exhilarating!
Here to explain why I am writing like this:
There is a group of art students that are put into 2 groups. One group is told that their final grade will be based on the sheer amount they have at the end of the year. The other will be graded on just one.
The group that has sheer amount just starts bursting out but the group that has just one, they spend more time just freaking out over the final project. They have sub par work while the group that is based on sheer amount gets better and better because as they go they are constantly adjusting their mistakes and finding flaws that they can fix.
My writing is like this. I have been so focused on getting a perfect product that I don’t write. This world is about not failing because it could show up on the internet and you get laughed at for years, that is simply not worth the humiliation.
I decided that I wanted to just begin writing and see what happens.
Some friends of mine were talking this past Sunday and I loved their passion. One of them is uber sweet and told me that if what they are talking about gets to be too much then they can shut it down. I had only mentioned in passing my physical pains and yet he was SO quick to keep that in mind. I did have to leave but not because I wasn’t enjoying the conversation but because the conversation was still too heavy it is amazing how you can enjoy something and yet it is still too much for you to handle.
I talked about this with God later and he brought up this concept that he will always be my superman nearby so I can lean on him or be saved. This has been my comfort after some time of feeling like I was so vastly alone.
Our relationship to me, now, is perfect. Not because we don’t fight (we do), not because he’s telling me everything (MAN, can he be quiet!) but because we have a rhythm that works for us and there is growth happening.
He and I battle so often that it is just like those art students, we are finding the kinks and getting them out and talking better to each other and everyday learning. After so much time of doing the same thing over and over, feeling depressed, unchristian and a failure, I’ve found my best friend and first love again. The God I lean on the second I get home and is always there for a hug or a cuddle before I fly away with a smile to go do something else.
This is why I am willing to open myself up a little more each day. There will be a type of failure but is it really failing if I reach the goals I have in mind? If I find my love? Yeah it hurts but I’d rather have pain for at a little while then the slow ache of going without and starving my soul, ever again.
And, so, we write!